Chapter 02: Misguided Monster

Chapter 02: Misguided Monster

A Chapter by Shin

                        Two days passed since Lloyd encountered those monsters. Seshiro washes Lloyd's shirt and is going to give it to him at school. Seven a.m. and Seshiro is on his way to school, on his way a small boy around the age of ten with a baseball bat and a cap that covers his face half way down to his nose starts to follow him. Seshiro quickly notices, but didn’t say a word or does anything different from his morning routine.

            “Hm, What the hell…? A kid…? Where’s his mother, anyway? I can’t just leave the kid alone… Ugh, what should I do?” Seshiro thinks as he keeps walking casually.

                        Seshiro is half way to school, but he decides to say something to the boy so that he would go away, he turns around, but before he could say a word the boy spoke;

            “I found you…Proditor.”

            “Huh?!” A confused Seshiro stares at the boy tilting his head.

                        The boy then lifts his head, eyes shining red-very differently from human eyes, he opens his mouth wide to reveal long sharp teeth, his face then starts to disfigure looking more like a monsters he swings the bat towards Seshiro, who flips back evading the attack. But watches as the monster's swing destroys the back end of the car where Seshiro lands. While Seshiro stands on the crushed car, he couldn’t think of anything at that moment except that this monster has something to do with the day before. The commotion the kid makes was too big. The street was in a state of panic, people running everywhere, away from the monster and Seshiro.

            “Is he one of those monsters from the other day? Ugh… there’s no way I can let this thing free!!” Seshiro thinks jumping away from the car and the boy.

            “Proditor, I know it’s you!!!” The monster keeps calling as he keeps swinging his bat like a maniac, Seshiro just dodging as the shock of the scenario overcame him. He then decides to defend himself against the monster. The monster jumps into the air and swings downward his bat, Seshiro punches the floor making a sharp ice pillar come out from the ground thrusting the monster. Seshiro seems relieved thinking the fight was over.

            “Whew… is he dead?” Seshiro ponders observing the perforated boy warily.

                        The monster suddenly smiles and stares at Seshiro as he gets out of the ice pillar. The monster quickly charges towards Seshiro, but he jumps high up a pole. The monster then hit the pole where Seshiro is standing, this one did not break, but it does shake. Seshiro is already frustrated, he couldn’t think straight.

            “D****t!!! Such strength… how?!” Seshiro panic as he walks farther away from the boy.

                        Seshiro is angry; he usually keeps his cool, but he is running out of patience. Seshiro jumps off the pole facing down doing a front flip and touching the wall of one of the buildings thus expulsing himself towards the monster like a bullet. The monster got into a baseball player’s position and got ready to strike Seshiro. It was a sudden death match, and the split second they connect, an echo comes out of the pressure of the powerful contact sending almost everything flying. Seshiro is able to block the monsters attack with some type of giant ice shield that he made on his left arm, his bones should have all been crushed due to the impact, but his whole arm is covered in ice. While the monster has a surprised look by this, Seshiro quickly leans his right arm back covering it with ice and then landing a massive blow to his face sending him against a car nearby, but the monster gets up and quickly charges towards Seshiro with an amazing speed biting with his sharp jaws the same hand he was hit with. He keeps biting the ice with such strength that he broke the ice, piercing the flesh and meat of Seshiro’s hand. Seshiro then stomp-kicks him, making the monster let go of his hand. He then freezes his wounds to stop the bleeding. His right arm is now useless.

            “Fine… Let’s get serious!!” Seshiro says frowning.

            “Die Proditor; Die, Die, Die!!!” The monster shouts widening his mouth.

            “No more talking, fight now!!”Seshiro says taunting the monster with his remaining hand.

                        The monster comes charging towards him once again, but Seshiro didn’t move, the monster attacks, Seshiro evades to the right as he then makes a three sixty turn while at the same time he hits and turns the monsters both hands into ice and then quickly throwing a low kick also filled with ice throwing the monster in the ground freezing his legs. Seshiro quickly put his hand on the monsters chest consequently entirely freezing his body. He then raises his right arm, to create a giant spike of ice. He steps back and runs as fast as he can, while the thorn of ice falls and thrust the monster. The ice completely shatters with the monster’s body, finally having the monster dead, and in pieces.

            “Da…damn it… t-the monster, what the hell is happening?” Seshiro thinks still skeptical about the situation, that he killed something like the other day, but didn’t know what exactly, he goes to school and meets up with Lloyd and Yumi who were talking to Kyoshi. Seshiro walks up to them, they quickly realize his right hand still frozen and somewhat red and his face with a worried expression.

            “Seshiro, what happened to you, man!?” Lloyd asks examining Seshiro.

            “You’re bleeding…you should go to the hospital.” Yumi says slightly worried and also examining him.

            “What the hell happened to you?!” Kyoshi asks very worried staring at Seshiro’s right arm.

            “…Here’s your damn shirt... Kept it clean…” Seshiro tosses the shirt at Lloyd.

            “Oh, um, thanks, but…” Lloyd catches the shirt as Seshiro cuts off Lloyd and with a very annoyed voice he says. “I got attacked by who-knows-whatever-it-was, okay? Like the other day remember?”

            “Huh, like the monsters from the other day?” Yumi asks with a disbelieving expression.

            “You should go to the infirmary and check out that wound.” Kyoshi suggests still worried.

            “Wait guys, wait up! This is important! First tell me what happened?” Lloyd says moving Kyoshi out of the way.

            “Give me a break guys, alright? I don’t know what happened either… I was walking on my way here and all of a sudden a little kid turns into a monster and attacks me! The little b*****d also literally bit my hand off...” Seshiro says holding his arm in pain.

            “Hmm, but why did he attack you? I mean, I was also attacked the other day too.” Lloyd says with a dazed look in his face.

            “He kept calling me a “Proditor”, but... the reason, I just don’t know.” Seshiro says looking at Lloyd.

            “Proditor?” Kyoshi asks looking up thinking to himself.

            “Did you betray someone, when you were younger?” Yumi asks glaring suspiciously at Seshiro and then looking at Lloyd to see if he agreed.

            “Hm?!” Seshiro frowns at Yumi and looks at Lloyd.

            “What do you mean Yumi?” Lloyd asks wondering.

            “Proditor, it means traitor in Latin.” Yumi explains coldly.

            “Dude, you’ll explain later, okah? Let’s just go to the infirmary for now. If you don’t know what the hell bit you, you should be aware for dangers.” Kyoshi says pulling Seshiro by his shirt.

            “Fine.” Seshiro says without saying anything to Lloyd and Yumi.

                        Seshiro and Kyoshi leaves to the infirmary. Yumi and Lloyd now by themselves pondering and trying to put the pieces together to what Seshiro had said and the situation the other day.

            “Proditor...?” Lloyd murmurs.

            “You said so yourself, he doesn’t like to talk much about himself, maybe something from his past?” Yumi asks scratching her head.

            “But why a monster? Hell, he’s not the only one that was attacked here. Well, he’s probably going home with Kyoshi after he gets patched up, so I guess we can’t ask him anything else.” Lloyd says snapping his finger.

            “What do we do now?” Yumi asks crossing her leg.

            “We should get to class, we’re already late.” Lloyd says getting up from the benches.

                        Just then Lloyd and Yumi goes to class, the students were all talking, but the teacher is nowhere to be found, neither were the teachers in the class next door. Christopher then comes to see Lloyd.

            “Lloyd sensei did you hear?” Christopher says very surprised.

            “What?” Lloyd asks widening his eyes.

            “Apparently there was a big battle a few blocks away from here.” Christopher even more hyped.

            “What?!” Yumi asks first staring at Christopher and then looking at Lloyd.

            “Yeah, all the teachers are in the office watching the report in the news.” Christopher says like he’s in a rush.

            “That means.” Yumi wonders.

            “Yeah, Seshi’s fight.” Lloyd says what Yumi was thinking.

            “Huh?” Christopher tilts his head in confusion.

            “It’s nothing Chris, just an inside joke.”Lloyd says smirking slightly.

                        All the teachers are in the office just as Chris said, watching the breaking news broadcast already half way into the story.

            “It seems there were a few eye witnesses, who claim what took place here was an alien abduction, others say a street gang war, while others say it was a monster, this only took place no more than twenty minutes ago, not much is known as of now, but we do know chaos has taken over this quiet street, but we ask the viewers of this area to stay indoors.” The female reporter says as she stands in front of the camera professionally.

                        Many of the teachers are concerned of the situation; the principal Sei Hageta is lost of what to do with the students. He decides to ask the teachers;

            “So what should we do?”

            “What do you mean?” Mr. Norse asks sitting down on the chair behind him.

            “I mean the students.” Principal Hageta says waving around the pen he’s holding.

            “Well, they will find out about what happened if not they already have.” Mr. Bravo says very sure of his remark.

            “Exactly, what I’m trying to say is: Should we send them home?” Principal Hageta asks looking at all the teachers present in the room.

            “This did happen no more than just a few blocks away, not in a faraway place like the current war.” Mr. Mushi says lying against the desk to his right.

            “Well, what if they got hurt on the way, if things haven’t cooled down yet in that area? Plus a lot of curious students would want to check it out.” Mr. Rosario says looking at everyone waiting for a reply on his comment.

            “Very well then, they’ll stay here and we’ll keep going like an average day, after 3:00 pm it’s not our problem anymore what direction the students take.” Principal Hageta says cleaning his hands with some hand sanitizer.

                        The meeting ends with Norse, Rosario, Gomez, Bravo and the rest of the teachers leaving to their respected classrooms. Hageta then in his office ponders to what they just watched and says to himself. “Aliens? Give me a break, monsters...? Yeah right, a gang war is the most rational, isn’t a faraway place she says, two more countries and that war won’t be in a far off place.” Principal Hageta says turning off the TV and looking out the window.

                        Seshiro has now left the school after getting some bandages on his hand, he blames it on a dog bite and is now being escorted home by Kyoshi.

            “Hey Kyo…” Seshiro says slightly hitting Kyoshi with his elbow to call his attention.

            “Yeah…?”Kyoshi asks.

            “I’ve always been wondering… why are you in this country alone? I mean, Satsume’s don’t hang around humans you know.” Seshiro says glancing at Kyoshi.

            “Originally, I wasn’t going to come here alone.” Kyoshi exhales as he replies.

            “…More to say…?” Seshiro asks paying close attention to what Kyoshi is going to say.

            “You remember the news about Gen-Exis Corporation taking over my country Evergray?” Kyoshi asks looking forward.

            “Many Satsume tried escaping the country and the Silver city capital.” Seshiro says observing Kyoshi.

            “I was supposed to escape with my two best friends, but both of them got killed in the incident.” Kyoshi says bowing his head downward.

            “…Sorry for asking man.” Seshiro says looking ahead once again. “But Gen-Exis, they’ve done so many evil deeds to people.”

            “Yeah… the bad thing is that they’re involved in so many things, politics, science, economy and even military.”

            “Everyone has lost something precious to them…”

                        After this short conversation they arrive at Seshiro’s place.

            “You going to be alright?” Kyoshi asks worried.

            “Yeah, I’ll be alright. Go back to school and please, tell Lloyd and Yumi I'm okay.” Seshiro says placing his hand on Kyoshi’s left shoulder.

            “Kay, man.” Kyoshi says with a cheerful smile turning around and leaving.

                        At school, Lloyd is in class writing down in his note book as the teacher keeps talking, but his mind is lost in thought as to Seshiro’s situation and those monsters appearing out of the blue.

            “A monster, a savage beast, an impure soul…? Damn, after school I'm going to check that place out. I should ask Kyoshi to tag along; because Chris will just tell everyone and they’ll make bigger fuzz about this if they knew Seshiro was involved.” Lloyd thinks looking outside the window. “I can’t wait till school is over to check it out… I’ll just take the lunch hour to investigate.”

                        A while passes, class is over, Lloyd walks the hallways to leave and he notices that Kyoshi is right behind him.

            “Lloyd, do you mind if I go with you?” Kyoshi asks with a smile.

            “How in the hell did you know I was going?” Lloyd asks with a shocked expression backing up on step.

            “I dunno, maybe because I was going there too.” Kyoshi says still with the smile.

            “Perfect, I was gonna ask you anyways, gotta move it or lose it!” Lloyd says pointing towards the direction where he was walking.

            “Weren’t you supposed to eat with Yumi?” Kyoshi asks carefully.

            “S**t! Yumi, I forgot!!...Well, besides me she’s got a few girlfriends around so it’ll be ok.” Lloyd says starting to walk.

            “Shouldn’t you at least tell her where you’re going?” Kyoshi asks following him.

            “Humph...Fine.” Lloyd says turning around.

                        Lloyd and Kyoshi walks to the cafeteria to find Yumi who is eating with three other girls. Lloyd walks over and tells her about what he is going to do. “Yo Yumi, Kyoshi and me are gonna go check some stuff at the outskirts.”

            “Alright, just be back before class starts, I’m not gonna lend you my notebook if you skip.” Yumi says coldly without looking at him.

            “Ok, Kyoshi; gotta move it or lose it! For real this time!” Lloyd says pointing to the direction he came from once again.

                        Lloyd and Kyoshi are on their way without any care if they get caught leaving the areas during school hours.

            “So Kyoshi, what do you think really happened there?” Lloyd asks glancing at Kyoshi.

            “I dunno, do I look like a fortune teller?!” Kyoshi asks with a slight grin.

            “Maybe.” Lloyd says also with a slight grin.

            “Are you serious!?” Kyoshi asks very stunned.

            “Nah, just messing around.” Lloyd says patting Kyoshi on his head.

            “You tell me, what do you think happened there or better yet what do you plan on doing when we get there?” Kyoshi asks removing Lloyd’s hand from his head.

            “I guess just check around the place, search for any clues that can give us a lead.” Lloyd says putting his hand in his pocket.

            “That’s it…? That’s your master plan?” Kyoshi asks confused.

            “If you have a better one, spill it out!” Lloyd says staring at Kyoshi.

                        Kyoshi starts thinking very hard or so it seems and suddenly tells Lloyd like if he has a very good idea;

            “I got nothing!” Kyoshi says in a comical way.

            “Try not to think to hard next time, you might hurt yourself.” Lloyd says smirking.

            “Haha, very funny.” Kyoshi says sarcastically.

            “Hey dude, I’m not the guy that usually makes plans, I just go wherever the wind takes me.” Lloyd explains still staring at Kyoshi.

            “That’s ironic, coming from you.” Kyoshi says.

            “That’s just me...” Lloyd says scratching his right cheek.

                        Just then they arrive at the area where the battle had occurred, with the police lines everywhere, so were the cops, when suddenly the cop charges in and says…

            “Hey, its lunch time, let’s get some donuts.”

            “Alright!!!” All the cops cheered.

                        As the cops left, Lloyd and Kyoshi walks to the scene, Kyoshi then asks.

            “Good thing we came at this time huh?”

            “Yeah, apparently donuts are more important than their work.” Lloyd says mockingly.

            “Why do all cops like donuts anyways?” Kyoshi asks curiously.

                        Lloyd whips out a donut out of nowhere and starts to explain.

            “Ok basically you take a donut and you start licking it and then you put your hand and your tongue in the hole and then you do like this.” Lloyd explains very perversely.

            “Um...where did that donut come from?” Kyoshi asks pointing at the donut.

            “Hey I’m trying to explain here.” Lloyd insists still demonstrating his explanation with the donut.

            “Never mind let’s just see what happened here.” Kyoshi says sighing.

                        The whole street is wreckage, a destroyed car, holes in the ground, building walls chipped, a battle indeed took place.

            “Hey, I just thought of something, if Seshi told us what happened, why are we here?” Kyoshi asks with an eyebrow lifted.

            “I'm a naturally curious person, besides nothing’s happening at school since everyone’s just talking about this.” Lloyd enlightens Kyoshi.

            “So what are we looking for?” Kyoshi inquires even further.

            “I dunno.” Lloyd replies observing all the rubble.

                        Lloyd and Kyoshi look around for a few minutes without any idea of what they are doing, when suddenly Kyoshi comes across something.

            “Hm? Hey Lloyd, I found something.” Kyoshi says cleaning a small object in his hand.

            “What happened, what did you find?” Lloyd asks trying to see what Kyoshi has.

            “A fang…?” Kyoshi says wondering and observing at the same time.

            “That’s it, what kind of animal is it of” Lloyd asks still trying to see it from up close.

            “It’s not humans that’s for sure, it’s too sharp to be that of a bear, but it’s too big to be of a wolf.” Kyoshi replies still cleaning it a little more.

            “You sure know a lot.” Lloyd says.

            “Hehe, you tend to pick up a few things traveling from one place to another.” Kyoshi says smugly.

            “Is it from a monsters or what?” Lloyd asks observing it closely.

            “I'm not sure, but I was hoping to find something more mystical.” Kyoshi says looking around still with the palm of his hand open.

            “Yeah, I know what you mean, but if you got that fang then, where’s the body?” Lloyd asks looking around the area.

            “Maybe the cops already took it.” Kyoshi says hiding the fang in his pocket.

            “No, if that were the case then they would still be here rather than taking a break.” Lloyd says.

                        As Lloyd said, the body is nowhere to be found. Just then the cops come back.

            “Oh snap, hide!!” Lloyd says grabbing Kyoshi by his shirt and hiding behind the destroyed car. While the cops talk.

            “I love donuts.” The cop says.

                        The cop the starts licking the donut in the same fashion Lloyd did only with a bit more enthusiasm.

            “What is that guy doing?” Kyoshi asks freaked out without taking his sight off him.

            “I don’t know, but it creeps me right the hell out.” Lloyd says stunned.

                        The cop heard them and so they are found out.

            “Hey you, hold it right there!” One of the cops yells dropping his coffee and donuts.

                        Lloyd and Kyoshi runs with five cops right behind them.

            “Freeze!” One of the policemen commands.

            “Has that ever worked?!” Kyoshi asks out loud.

                        Just then the cops stop and gather in a group to discuss just that.

            “That’s never worked has it?” One of the cops asks.

            “Nope, not really…” Two cops say at once.

            “Then why do we say it…?” Another cop asks.

            “Enough we’re losing track!!” The last cop says running again after Lloyd and Kyoshi.

                        Once more the cops are gaining on them when Lloyd suddenly has an idea. Lloyd then grabs Kyoshi by the neck of the shirt and says.

            “Hang on!”

            “What are you gonna do!?” Kyoshi asks distrustfully.

                        Lloyd then jumps about thirty feet in the air still holding Kyoshi almost choking him.

            “What the hell?! Since when can you jump so high?!” Kyoshi asks very amazed.

                        Lloyd then lands a few kilometers away making a gap between them and the police. Lloyd notices the area; he knows a place they could hide.

            “Quick, in there!” Lloyd points out to a restaurant.

            “A restaurant…?” Kyoshi asks puzzled.

            “Don’t worry, I know the people here.” Lloyd says.

                        They run into the restaurant with a sign that read “Aoi Kaze” which means blue wind in Lemurian. As they enter, a very beautiful young girl with cat ears which seems like part of the waitress outfit with long brownish red hair and green eyes dressed in a waitress outfit greets them.

            “Welcome to- Oh, Lloyd what are you doing here?” The waitress asks casually.

            “Kazumi hide us!” Lloyd says persistently grabbing both her shoulders.

            “Oh great, what did you do this time and who’s you friend?” Kazumi asks demandingly.

            “Long story, no time.” Lloyd says in a rush.

            “Nice to meet you.” Kyoshi greets with a smile.

            “Nice to meet you too, but anyways go hide in the industrial refrigerator or something.” Kazumi says pointing to the back of the counter.

                        Lloyd and Kyoshi hide in the industrial refrigerator like Kazumi had told them.

            “iii...ii. iii It’s cc...c. cold in here.” Kyoshi says rubbing his own arms.

            “Nnn...n... no s**t Sherlock.” Lloyd says sarcastically also rubbing his arms.

            “Kazumi, I know I’ve heard her name before.” Kyoshi thinks out loud.

            “She’s Yumi’s best friend.”

            “Oh yeah, that’s right, but what’s with the cat ears? She a cosplayer?” Kyoshi asks.

            “Hmm… now that you mention it, I think she is a cosplayer, she wears them everywhere. Anyways, you know I hope if it’s possible not to tell anyone about this awkward situation we’re in, ok?” Lloyd asks honestly.

            “You got it.” Kyoshi replies.

            “So what you plan to do with that fang?” Lloyd asks curiously.

            “I’ll probably make it a necklace or use it as a guitar pick.” Kyoshi says smirking.

                        After a few minutes, the cops arrive by that area, they then enter Aoi Kaze.

            “Welcome, can I help you gentlemen?” Kazumi asks with a smile.

            “We’re looking for two people one with long black hair and the other with long dark silver blue hair, we believe they are two high school girls dressed with male uniforms to confuse us.” The cop relates.

            “Hmm…Nope, haven’t seen anyone like that.” Kazumi corroborates.

            “Very well then, men keep searching the area!” The cop in charge says pointing outside.

                        The cops leave and after a while decide to return to the scene of the crime. After a bit Kazumi decides to check on Lloyd and Kyoshi.

            “Alright you can come out now.” She says as she opens the door.

                        She sees Lloyd and Kyoshi had made a small fire in the center of the fridge.

            “What the hell?! The meats are all going to go bad!!” Kazumi yells angrily.

            “We were cold and he’s a Satsume, this was inevitable.” Lloyd explains still warming up in the fire.

            “Whatever just go.” Kazumi says angrily pointing outside.

                        They leave the restaurant and as they walk the streets they’re question is still there.

            “What happened to the body?” Kyoshi asks whispers to himself.

            “Hm?” Lloyd looks at Kyoshi since he didn’t hear what Kyoshi whispered.

            “The body of the thing Seshiro fought against.” Kyoshi says looking at Lloyd as well.

            “Well, it’s dead whatever it was… so don’t think about it to much.” Lloyd says looking ahead.

                        Later they go their separate ways. At the other side of Lemuria at the city limits two dark figures are at the top of a building at that moment, one of the figures presents the body of the monster to the other, after a few seconds it disintegrates, a cloaked man speaks.

            “Someone killed your lackey.”

            “It was a low rank demon, they can’t think on their own.” Says another cloaked man looking towards the city, but this one has wavy long bangs coming out from his hood.

            “Still, someone had the guts to stand up to it, the kid with the scar on his face… he looks familiar…” The black hooded man says.

            “Humph… but I don’t understand why that demon insisted on going after that kid as well as the rest that I sent were after that other kid, they disobeyed me, anyways, there’s more for what’s to come.” The cloaked man with the wavy bangs comments still looking towards the city.

            “Uh huh, so you already have a scenario planned in your mind?” The cloaked man asks tilting his head to the side.

            “Yes, even if we are going against his methods, I shall be recognized by HIM and earn his trust.” The wavy haired man explains looking at his comrade.

            “Whatever, I just want my position as a high ranking official back.” The cloaked man whispers to himself.

            “More is yet to come, you’ll see.” The wavy haired man says undoubtedly once again looking towards the city.



© 2013 Shin


My Review

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I'm a firm believer in constructive criticism and as such there are several things I've noticed in this chapter that could be tweaked.

For example the sentences: "Seshiro had washed Lloyd’s shirt and he’s giving it to him at school.", "The boy then lift his head, his eyes shined red, very differently from that of humans, he opened his mouth wide to reveal long sharp teeth, his face then starts to disfigure, he then swings his bat towards Seshiro, but Seshiro then back flipped to evade the attack, in the process the monster destroyed the back end of the car and Seshiro landed on the crushed car." are very awkward grammatically, you mix up your tenses in the second one, and the first just sounds odd in comparison with the writing around it. The mention of the "Gen-Exis, Evergray and Silver city, Lemuria" badly need exposition otherwise they just seem incredibly random bits of geography, (another note explain what a Satsume is, I figured it out but only after taking it out of context) some readers aren't as patient.

But there are parts in here that made me laugh, like the whole doughnut scene, and when the cops came to the restaurant. I know that some of the things I mentioned may be explained later, but I thought I'd point them out to you now so you can think about making changes if you want. Again, this is nothing personal, I just want to see your work become the best it can be. And sorry for such a long post, I'll try to limit it next time.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I like this one, I think it developed well. It's more detailed and I think the story is really picking up, nice write :D

Posted 9 Years Ago


this chapter is even better in professional, the things are more described, the present tense makes it easier to understand, nice job man

Posted 9 Years Ago


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I can't help but think that this would be easier to read if you just wrote it in past tense, instead of present. And I did notice some places that both tenses are used. If it were me, I would just stick with past tense.

Posted 10 Years Ago


As you can see... I've also fixed this chapter like the first one, most grammatical errors and such.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I'm a firm believer in constructive criticism and as such there are several things I've noticed in this chapter that could be tweaked.

For example the sentences: "Seshiro had washed Lloyd’s shirt and he’s giving it to him at school.", "The boy then lift his head, his eyes shined red, very differently from that of humans, he opened his mouth wide to reveal long sharp teeth, his face then starts to disfigure, he then swings his bat towards Seshiro, but Seshiro then back flipped to evade the attack, in the process the monster destroyed the back end of the car and Seshiro landed on the crushed car." are very awkward grammatically, you mix up your tenses in the second one, and the first just sounds odd in comparison with the writing around it. The mention of the "Gen-Exis, Evergray and Silver city, Lemuria" badly need exposition otherwise they just seem incredibly random bits of geography, (another note explain what a Satsume is, I figured it out but only after taking it out of context) some readers aren't as patient.

But there are parts in here that made me laugh, like the whole doughnut scene, and when the cops came to the restaurant. I know that some of the things I mentioned may be explained later, but I thought I'd point them out to you now so you can think about making changes if you want. Again, this is nothing personal, I just want to see your work become the best it can be. And sorry for such a long post, I'll try to limit it next time.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

"More is yet to come, you'll see"...can't wait to see for myself haha. yet another chapter full of things to make us keep reading!

Posted 10 Years Ago


wow this chapter was awsome im so glad the cops didn't catch seshi it will be dreat to see how it turns out.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I think this chapter was good. I feel really bad for Seshi. I hope he actually is fine. Good thing the cops didn't catch them. Can't wait to read more. Thanks for sharing. :)

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on July 19, 2010
Last Updated on July 15, 2013

Elemental Ascension


Author

Shin
Shin

Hartford, CT



About
Well... My name is Wilfred, I'm called Will or Shin by friends, I'm mostly a normal guy, I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I love to write and draw, I'm fluent in English and Spanish, I kn.. more..

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A Chapter by Shin



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