Kingdom on the Coast

Hopefully this one is a tad better to view.

Upon the shoreline, noon-day sun is brilliant and hot, baking the sprawling strip of sand until it’s a golden ribbon on fire with Texas heat. That’s the one thing that is absolutely clear to me the moment the vulnerable skin of my feet touch the ground:                 HOT!

            Hot like waterfalls of magma; hot like the heart of an oven. The heat envelopes me in a tight cocoon of summertime. My bare flesh sizzles, begging for the mercy of sandals.

            Hand in hand with the coast is the sea, the most magnificent sight that nature can bestow. The teal surface, choppy with waves, glistens as if blanketed with diamonds; it dances like an aquamarine maiden beneath beams of Southern sunlight. 

            Splashes of color dapple the shore: umbrellas casting pools of shade, beach towels full of sand, people with bronze skin and dazzling smiles. Seagulls squawk and cry overhead, smudges of dusty charcoal against the cloudless azure sky. Amongst peals of laughter and the thwomp of kids cannonballing into the ocean, I stand where the water barely creeps over my toes and then retreats again. Through it I can see my feet and tiny round pebbles, the salty aroma of brine wafting into my nose. The savory taste of chocolate ice cream lingers on my tongue, and I can feel sticky patches of it on my chin.

            My skin is flushed scarlet with the sunburn soon to come, but the refreshing waves lapping at my calves soothe the pain. The tide suddenly roars up at me, spraying my face with droplets, like one million liquid kisses. Battalions of drops cascade off of my hair and bite my eyes.  

            The sun sits dominant in the sky, a diamond set ablaze, casting shafts of radiance that dilute and twist when they dive beneath the waves. Rainbow slivers"elusive fish"dart between my ankles, slimy and trailing tails of olive-colored seaweed.

            As I tilt my head back, I feel incredibly small, like one grain of sand, like one drop of the ocean. Ironically, it’s a sensation that makes me feel enormously large, a giant cupping the world in her hands.  My soul longs to dissolve into the water and become one with a traveling current, dancing with dolphins and resting in the anemones.

            Here is the gem that the landlocked borders of Iowa will never know, the playground that I could spend an eternity in. Forever my heart will rest in this sunlit place, this land of melted ice cream pools and sweaty, jubilant childhood.

Author's Note

My apologies for the difficult time that I've been having with pasting stories in a readable manner; know that I am not tech savvy. Anyway, enjoy, leave reviews. Thank you.

Reviews

[Writer #00]

Beautifully written; I began feeling a sense of nostalgia for somewhere I've never been...nor similarities I particularly enjoy (I don't really like the beach and water-based natural parks).

On another note: O the paradoxes of life...

[Astro]

Very well done, top to bottom. Where this is a poem, it allows for your penchant for detailing something like the effects of the sun on the body, the ground, the sea and the sky. I enjoyed it a lot actually, because it was very connectable for me, having grown up on coastal shores in the Maritimes of Canada and currently, living on the West Coast. And...who doesn't like a bit of chocolate ice cream ;)

[Luna Evangeline]

Hehe. Thank you. Glad you liked it.

[Coyote Poetry]

I loved the poem. The ocean is my favorite place to be. I like the strong description of location and thoughts. Ocean is a place to know peace and calm. I like how you create good vision and allowed the reader into the mind of the writer. No weakness in the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[Luna Evangeline]

Thank you Coyote for the kind thoughts.

[icelandicblue]

This is a highly descriptive piece. You've concentrated on creating a setting and you have some nice descriptions. I love your work but this piece feels like it is lacking something. You've got individual lines that are lovely but they don't quite create a cohesive piece. It feels a bit list like. I realize you are comparing the setting in Texas to Iowa and I really liked that aspect. The mood- you feel small against the great expanse- seems like an addendum to the piece. I can't quite feel the mood, contemplative, awed, philosophical?

For instance I found this description to be quite beautiful:

The sun sits dominant in the sky, a diamond set ablaze, casting shafts of radiance that dilute and twist when they dive beneath the waves. Rainbow slivers"elusive fish"dart between my ankles, slimy and trailing tails of olive-colored seaweed.

Part of the issue I have is the lack of action- your toes are in the water then your calves- did a wave come up or did you walk further into the water?

I agree that some sentences are awkward, this feels fragmented:

Through it I can see my feet and tiny round pebbles

Why not say something like

Through it I can see my feet surrounded by tiny round pebbles

or

Through it I can see my feet embedded in tiny round pebbles

Just my thoughts. Take what you will and discard the rest.

[Luna Evangeline]

Ah, thank you Ice, I was contemplating that very sentence with Soma below. I feel that it's necessary-- but how to write it? I dunno. I'll certainly ponder the ways you've given me. I agree that this piece isn't as rounded out as I could have made it; it was an assignment from practically the stone ages and I never tried much back then. It was an assignment to describe setting-- which explains the lack of action. Eh. This was never my favorite. If I ever happen to want to spruce it I'll sit down for a rewrite. Thanks again for the review.

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

Okay...firstly, I love the descriptive nature of this. It is to me, less of a "story" and more of a section of poetic prose in the way that you describe situations and the elements. On one hand you are very careful with your words, and on the other there are some parts where you could be a little more careful (not overusing the same word or image). For instance: the landlocked border of Iowa--genius! like one grain of sand--not as hard hitting.

Overall, I think you have managed to show what you wanted to show, and you definitely bring out an emotional nature in your work, which I appreciate. This is just a little slice of a bigger whole that is your life. Perhaps a few changes, but for the most part, this is pretty good!

[Luna Evangeline]

Thanks for another thoughtful review, Sarah.

[Soma-ko]

-Please don't take this in the wrong way-
Firstly, for the first two paragraphs, I understand how you're trying to immerse the reader into your world. Trying to get them to feel the same cool breeze, and scorching hot sun/sand above and beneath the character. However, I feel that you should maybe stress less one how hot it is in such a tight space. My advice for this: spread it out a little more. You can disseminate the immense feeling of heat throughout the story, reminding the reader of the conditions the character is facing, instead of building it all up on one location, unconsciously forcing the reader to put the setting of the location, above the story itself. (Also, there are many other ways you can say/express "hot").

Secondly, there are a little awkward spots throughout the story itself, and I think its simply because you over looked them. Ex: "I can see my feet and tiny round pebbles through it", albeit I understand what your trying to say, what the sentence suggest is that your feet are invisible, and you can see the pebbles through them. Perhaps you meant to write something along the lines of "I could see my feet, sand exposed through the crevices between my toes".

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but overall, I thought the piece was good. It contained a lot of metaphors, which I personally enjoy, and I came to enjoy the character herself, and her ruminations.

[Luna Evangeline]

Harsh? Hehe. I live for reviews such as this. See, this piece was an assignment. From waaaay back when. The assignment was to describe a place that I frequent often. The goal of this assignment was to describe what hits you first when you enter this place--and of course, in the good ol' South, it's the heat. As far as the use of the word "hot," it's repetition for effect. I purposely didn't use anything else there. And, as far as the sand/feet thing, I've pondered this countless times. So has my mentor, my (at the time) English professor, and so many others. They agreed that, if the reader mulls over the sentence for a moment, that there's no way I could be talking about seeing the sand through my feet, because I used "it," which is referring to the water. Had I been referring to feet I would have used "them." I can see where you're coming from. It's a strange sentence to read. I've been struggling with it for years. Perhaps the best way to clarify this is to put "through it" at the beginning of the sentence. What do you think?

Thanks for the thoughtful review. Harsh? Hehe. No. (;

[Soma-ko]

Whew, I'm glad, and yes. Rereading it I found that putting through it at the beginning of the sentence made it so much clearer. I personally am not the closest with English writing in terms of stories, and the repetition effect, so I'm not the best in this field. Heck, I'm only "good" in poetry because there are no strict rules there. For stories, I tend to read things in the horror section, simply because its the least predictable from the latter of genres, which may be the reason I wasn't "into" this particular piece.

If you want me to gander at any particular pieces, I'd be glad to do so, just send me that request. :)

[Luna Evangeline]

Alright, I agree, "through it" works better at the beginning. I've dipped my toes in the horror waters and found...that I am rather terrible. Hehe.

[Soma-ko]

Only to realize that the reflection in the water was not me...
Don't bash yourself over something like this!
My short story... I don't even know where to begin with that hot mess...

[Luna Evangeline]

Hmmm. I haven't seen it yet. I'll look eventually. I haven't the courage to post my horror story.

[Soma-ko]

Hahaha, take your time, like your story here, my short story is also an old assignment I dug up.

[Baby Ricochet]

Great descriptive story. I was there

[Luna Evangeline]

Thanks, Ricochet. I appreciate it.