Iteruhi Chapter 1

Iteruhi Chapter 1

A Chapter by yukiderp

My legs weren’t always like this. I used to be able to run around wherever I pleased, racing my friends out on the field, or playing hopscotch with my sister. But ever since that drunk driver hit me, that cursed and fated day, I have been immobile this way, paralyzed for life.

                I remember coming back to school after being in the hospital for 3 months, and I was forced to go around in my wheelchair. Everyone would stare and say that I was just like an old, handicapped woman. They would also tease and avoid me as I wheeled myself through the hall way. Their rude stares penetrated my very soul. I needed to get out of here. The pressure was just too much. Finally the bell rang and I quietly, but ever so slowly, inched myself to class. The teacher introduced me as “the girl who missed half a semester because she was hospitalized for 3 months due to a car accident right before school started.” This was why I didn’t have many friends, because by the time I got to school, especially after moving here from another state, everyone had already assembled into their own cliques and groups. I actually moved here to New York, from California due to my mother’s new job. And because of this, it was extremely hard to fit in, what with my wheel chair and everything. So I was left alone and forgotten. 

My sister, Kaitlin, is 11 years old, but I always find myself going to her when I’m down: especially nowadays when I have no one else to go to. Kaitlin is probably my most favorite person in the world. She’s the sweetest little thing because she can tell right off the bat when something's wrong. Then she would comfort me and stay by my side even when she has a lot on her mind. If only I could repay her, however I’m always preoccupied with my own depressing life.

“…aty! Katy Evergreen!” I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard my teacher calling out my name. “Katy, please focus in class.” Everybody laughed as a blush crept over my pale cheeks. I don’t know why this upset me so much, but I pushed myself out of my desk and wheeled away as quickly as I could. What made them laugh even harder was when the wheels on my wheelchair notched aside another desk. Unfortunately, this got everyone’s full attention. The teacher was already threatening to mark me down for disrupting her class. But I just pretended not to hear her and attempted to storm out of the classroom, but I was blocked by another student on the way to the door. My dumb wheelchair couldn’t squeeze past this stupid guy’s chair, so I was forced to politely ask him to move. The obnoxious boy merely laughed again in my face, but thank god he eventually got out of the way. Gritting my teeth, I pushed myself out of the classroom and rushed out into the school’s courtyard.

                No one ever came here.  I wish I could say it was a beautiful place: brimming with life and flowers. But it wasn’t. In fact, it was so dead you could practically hear the bugs crawling from one side to the other. I liked it here though, because I could always rely on this place for some time alone. I sighed loudly as I wheeled into the center of the courtyard. Snow began to fall and I breathed in the crispy winter air. I tried to catch a few snowflakes but I failed miserably. It was impossible to push my way to a snowflake and then catch it at the same time. My poor arms could only do so much. This attempt only depressed me even more, and I felt so much more pathetic. I couldn’t even kick myself for trying to do this. Instead, I tugged on my hair in frustration and began to cry. I could feel my jacket grow damp from the melting snow, but also from my tears. Suddenly I thought I heard a small “Pst” sound, almost as if someone or something was trying to get my attention. My eyes searched and wandered across the courtyard, but I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. There wasn’t a sign of life until my eyes caught a slight movement to my left. That was when I noticed a crack in the wall of the school building. Funny, after being here so many times, I never noticed this. I pushed myself over to it and leaned forward for a closer look.

                That was when I saw it, and that was when everything literally spun out of my control. That single purple flower. But it wasn’t just any purple. It was almost glowing, and I could’ve sworn that there was bright, glowing purple dust streaming out of the center of it. This strangeness drew me in, and as I leaned even further and reached out to it, everything I knew spun out of proportion. I was sucked in uncontrollably like a vacuum. Finally, after what was probably less than thirty seconds, I toppled out of the whole mess and landed on a ground full of fresh, soft snow. My body began to shiver and I looked around, taking in my surroundings.

                I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was all white except for the blue sky. I’ve never seen such a clear and blue sky in my life. Then I noticed the silence, and once again I was reminded of the cold air around me, and of how alone I was. My body was half covered in snow and my legs-

                My legs.

                I was moving it. I stared at my leg with wide, astonished eyes. And in my haste to get up, I had unconsciously bent my knee. I sat up slowly and wiggled my toes, feeling the inside of my shoes rub against it, and I still couldn’t believe it. My legs were working again! It was all so sudden. Even my cursed wheelchair was gone.

                Shivering, I stood up and brushed the melting snow off my body. Where was I?

                I walked-I actually walked!-through the wide expanse of snow for perhaps an  hour. There was no way to tell time in this place. Was I in a different world like in those storybooks? Possibly. Assuming that no one else was there to watch me, I danced and ran all over the place. I forgot about the cold air and screamed and yelled as loud as I could, trying to express my happiness and the joy of the familiar feeling spreading in my legs. Still twirling, I stared up at the blue, blue sky, bubbling with pure happiness.

                Suddenly, I noticed a shadow in the corner of my eye, and it wasn’t mine. Before I could react to it, I felt something hit the side of my head and blacked out.

 

                “What is she?”

                “I don’t know. The stuff she’s wearing isn't from these parts.”

                “So another country?”

                I groaned. There was a searing, throbbing pain in my head. I reached up, touched the bruise, and flinched. It was huge.

                “You woke her up!” Someone whispered loudly. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times, clearing my vision. There were people all around me wrapped in warm looking furs. I wrinkled my nose from the smoke that was making the room feel extra stuffy, but warm. Then I noticed a thick blanket that was carelessly thrown over me and wrapped it more tightly around myself. I was only too aware of all the stares the strange people were giving me.

                “What?” I growled, but it came out more aggressively than I intended. The mysterious people backed away slightly. Then I noticed it. They were giving me the same stares as the kids from school. It was almost like déjà vu. My eyes grew cold and I jumped off the cot that they placed me on, throwing the blanket they gave me aside.

                “Wait,” I heard someone say. I turned around, meaning to hiss at them. I didn’t know why I was so angry. Maybe I just hated all those pitiful and jeering looks in their eyes. I stopped walking and studied them more closely. They looked like nomads, but also like Eskimos. The hut seemed like it was made out of mud, ice, and stray branches. The floor was made up of a mixture of dirt and more dirty ice. But despite all the ice, I had to admit that I liked how warm it was in here.

                “Where are you from? I-if I m-may ask,” One of them stuttered. I looked at the boy who spoke up and saw him flinch from my intense glare. He didn’t look any older than 12. 

                “Uh,” was all I could muster. My throat suddenly turned dry and I was at loss for words. “Uh,” I started again. Everyone was looking at me expectantly. “My name’s... Katy.” I swallowed hard for more people seemed to be gathering. “I’m from Manhattan”

               “Nanhattan? Where’s that? I’ve never heard of it.” The boy asked. I didn't even bother to correct him. He had light brown hair and light brown eyes. They were huge and seemed to be shining with curiosity mingled with fear.

                “It’s hidden. It’s a s-secret actually,” I couldn’t exactly tell them I was from a different world. “Sorry, I can’t say anymore.” They wouldn’t believe my story anyways. I watched the boy slouch in disappointment and was about to say something more, but I caught the pitiful looks of everybody again. They obviously thought I was crazy, so I just stared at the floor and an uncomfortable silence followed. No one knew what to say.

                “Ok that’s enough everyone. Move along now,” A few people began to part a way for a giant man who was walking toward me. He was wearing an overstuffed looking snow jacket and carried a tall, intricately carved staff. He was bald and had many piercings in both his ears. It was nothing like the guys back in L.A. He also had the unmistakable look of authority in his eyes. It made you want to look away, and so I did just that.

                “Look up, little blossom,” He lifted my chin roughly and seemed to search deep within my eyes for some sort of sign. I couldn’t help but stare back, and that’s when I noticed all the scars on his aged face. After what seemed like five minutes, he let go of my chin and gestured toward a young boy who looked like his son. “I am Oersted, and this is my only son, Wilkhelm. Welcome to the country of Iteruhi. What brings you here, Katy?”I was looking at his son who was looking back at me. We were about the same height, but he looked stronger and more muscular. Wilkhelm had dark tan skin just like his father, although I had no idea how they both got so tan in a country with almost no sun.

                “I don’t know,” I responded, “I just…appeared here.” I mentally kicked myself for sounding so stupid. Everyone was still staring and listening. It was starting to vex me. I reached up to nervously brush my hair out of the way, and that’s when I saw it. My hands. I screamed and flung them away from me, ridiculous as that sounds, and shut my eyes. They looked absolutely hideous, and had a bunch of splotchy purple marks on it. It looked so wrong, like they didn’t belong to me. I crouched down on the floor, “What did you do to me?!” I yelled. Someone caught my hand and another person tried to shut my mouth, but I protested and remained curled up on the floor, still shielding my face from everyone.

                I heard Oersted shout something to his people, but I wasn’t listening. I was still screaming. Why. Why. Why. Why. I just got my legs back, so why did my hands have to look so distorted and malformed? “Katy, calm down. We can fix this,” Wilkhelm said. I looked up tentatively into his worried expression. Then he made me sit down on a chair. “How long have your hands been like this?” He asked.

                “I-I don’t know, I just noticed it.”

                He seemed troubled and exchanged a worried glace with his father. Oersted waved us over to a closed off room. He told us to follow him in and shut the door. This room was simple furnished, with just a simple square table in the center; we all sat down. “So you’re one of them aren’t you,” Oersted asked. It was more like a statement than a question. Not knowing what he was talking about, I just stared fearfully at him. He circled the room once, then stopped and leaned forward. “Are you telling me you have no idea?” I just shook my head.

                “No sir. I don’t even know why I’m here,” Oersted gave me another long look. Finally he sighed.

                “Your hands…those purple marks are a sign. They came from touching a special star flower, am I right?” I nodded. “That flower has the ability to grant people powers, or turn them into horrifying monsters.” I nodded again, not sure about what else to do. This is what he told me.

                A long time ago, a star called Iteruhi crashed into this world creating a massive earthquake that permanently cracked its surface. The comet itself mysteriously disappeared soon after, but according to legend, it left a single flower in its place. And from the crack, dangerous and hideous beings swarmed out of the enormous chasm and destroyed anything that they came across. They were really hard to kill, and so most people didn’t stand a chance. The flower however, bloomed on and stayed hidden, deep inside the chasm.  Legend says that if you were to acquire it in your hands, you would be granted a special power, but only if you treated the poison that spread in your body as soon as you touched it. The poison was what turned a person into a monster. Now these monsters, called Iters, terrorized the world and sometimes even multiplied. However, one day a legendary man found the purple flower of Iteruhi, treated the poison, and gained magnificent powers. People often referred to him as their god. They relied on him to destroy the Iters, and so he did. However, ever since the day the last Iter was killed, the man was never heard from again.

                Oersted told me that his great ancestors encountered an Iter before, but they were almost wiped out completely because of it. Still, he pulled out old pieces of paper with drawings and rough sketches of them. They all had large talons and their heads looked like deranged dogs. The teeth looked extremely sharp and there was even some dried blood on its fur. One thing that caught my eye though, was the wispy, purple smoke oozing out of the talons. It was like that in all the pictures. I tried not to think of my own hand.

                “How do you treat it?” I asked shakily. He told me I had to travel to a person named Shina. She was a witch who, according to legend, knew exactly what to do in order to get rid of the poison. Shina was also the one who saved the hero from before. “Will you be able to take me?”

                Oersted glanced over at Wilkhelm, “He can take you, but on one condition.” Wilkhelm jumped from surprise. “You must. You and I are the only ones who have even the slightest idea of where Shina is, and I cannot leave our people.”

                “What’s the condition?” I interrupted.

                Oersted looked me straight in the eye. “Bring me the flower,” I froze. The flower? It was back in my own world. I couldn’t tell him that…could I? I thought I saw I hint of greed, flicker in his eyes, but I waved that thought away.

                “What are you going to do with the flower?” I asked.

                “Safe keeping,” was all he said. For some reason, I didn’t believe him. But I didn’t say anything either. “Anyways, Wilkhelm will take you to see Shina and get rid of that poison, but you must bring the flower back to me. You hear? If you and my son return without it, I will surely take your life without hesitation.”

                I flinched from his threat. “Why do you want the flower so badly?” I demanded.

                Oersted smiled, but it wasn’t a very nice smile, “If I can have that flower, I can, like I said, keep it safe, and make sure no one will ever get poisoned like you again. It’s a horrible fate, if you don’t treat it and turn into an Iter instead.” I studied him skeptically, but it sounded honest enough. So I shrugged off my doubts. “There is…another thing you must remember though.”

                “And what’s that?”

                “Once you get rid of the poison, you will gain powers beyond your imagination. You would probably become invincible. Now remember, according to the legend, there was only one other man that achieved that level of Iteruhi, and no one knows where he is.”

                I began to fidget with my fingers. The chances of that happening sounded pretty oppressing, despite all the pros of possibly turning into a hero. I began to hope that I would be the only exception by not receiving a power. I just wanted to get rid of the poison because I was probably turning into a monster as we speak, and the thought scared me.

                “So…When do we head out?” I asked.

                “Tomorrow morning, you need to leave as soon as possible,” and with that, Oersted dismissed us. Wilkhelm and I walked out. He showed me the way to their guest living quarters and gave me a new set of clothes to change into. My room was really tiny, with only a bed and little walking space. There was no lamp except for the light seeping in through the cracks from the other room.

                “It’s going to get really cold here at night. I don’t think what you’re wearing is going to be good enough,” I nodded, too nervous about the journey to speak. I felt so tired after all that talking, so as soon as I changed, I lay on the thin mattress and slept.

 

                After what seemed like only a few minutes, I heard a knock on my door and saw Wilkhelm step in. Not knowing I was awake already, he shook me until I protested. “Time to wake up, Katy. It’s a bit early, but we’re going to need all the time we can get.” I sat up drowsily and rubbed my eyes.

                “We’re leaving already?” I muttered.

                “I’ve already packed everything in the sled. Hurry up, we need to go,” He grabbed my arm and pulled me up. Then he dragged me through the quiet hut. It was a lot larger than I thought. We walked through room after room and through countless hallways. Everywhere looked the same, with wooden tables and maybe a few unimportant items here and there. But the closer and closer we got to the entrance, the colder it got. I rubbed my arm and shivered. “You still cold?” He asked.

                I nodded and my eyes wandered by themselves to my maimed hands. The purple mark was spreading. Wilkhelm noticed this and pulled something out of one of his big pockets. “Oh, I almost forgot. Put these on,” He threw a huge pair of mittens to me. “Don’t take those off around anybody except me. We can’t let anybody see the marks. Otherwise, we’d be in danger.” I didn’t ask why, but I obediently slipped the warm gloves on.

                We finally arrived at the entrance. I heard a dog bark and cringed. I never liked dogs. They were much too aggressive for my taste. I stayed back as I noticed a large sled and a pack of wolves lounging around the entrance. “Is that how we’re getting to Shina?”

                “Yep, don’t worry it’s completely safe,” he responded, as if noticing my fear of the wolves, dogs, whatever they were. “Meet Bay, my lead dog,” Wilkhelm brought Bay, the largest and whitest one of them all, to me. I stepped back unconsciously. “Don’t worry, Katy. Bay won’t bite you as long as you hide your fear and show him respect.”

                I glared at Wilkhelm like it was all his fault. But I gradually stepped forward and nervously reached out to pet him. Bay just sat still and studied me, letting me run my hands through his soft fur. But I could see his nose twitching and getting used to my smell.

                “He’s a very beautiful dog,” I said, trying to forget my nervousness or the sweat beading down my forehead.

                “Yeah, and I’m proud of him, especially his fur.  I spend hours brushing all of them every day. They love it,” Wilkhelm smiled proudly and I smiled back. “Alright, it’s time to head out now.” We stood up and he showed me how I could easily slip myself into the front of the sled. Then he wrapped me up in more blankets until I was really snug and comfortable. Finally he yelled for his dogs to move and Bay shot out, pulling the rest of the team along with him. I watched as two large wooden gates creaked loudly and swung open to let us out. As we rushed into the snowy landscape, I turned my head and glanced behind us. We were running along so quickly that the brown, wooden structure was out of our sight within minutes. It was my first time seeing the enormous and sturdy house from the outside. The whole village probably lived inside of that. 

I turned back around and eased myself deeper into the folds of the blankets, enjoying the wintry scenery, although there wasn’t much to see in the first place except snow, snow and more snow.

                The beginning of our trip was uneventful and quite boring because like I said, there wasn’t much to look at in the first place. I wish I had a book to read or something. I couldn’t even move much because I’d throw off the fragile balance of the sled and trip all the dogs. So I just listened to the sound of us gliding through the snow. We rode like this for what seemed like forever, and eventually I fell asleep despite the cold beating against my face. At one point we stopped for a break. Wilkhelm stretched his arms and cracked his neck on both sides, loosening his muscles. I watched him massage his arms because there was nothing else to look at. Then I realized how sore he must've been since he’d been standing in the same position the whole time. I felt bad for sitting and not doing much, so while he was rechecking the harnesses on his dogs, I poured out a cup of water for him.

                “Here,” I said shyly. I held out the cup for him as he gave me a surprised look. He took a sip, still watching me.

                “Thanks,” He flashed me this brilliant smile and finished the rest of the water in one gulp.

                “You must be tired,” I responded, as he handed the empty cup back to me. I felt bad for not trying to connect with him earlier, and I didn't want us to have any more silent rides.

                “Nah, I’m pretty used to this actually. I love traveling by dog. Father doesn’t let me out much either. Is this your first time?” I nodded. “You’re not much of a talker are you?” I shrugged. “Thought so,” he laughed to himself and we climbed back into the sled, continuing our journey.

                Another few hours passed and I could see the sky growing slightly darker, but it was still pretty bright from the reflection of the sunlight on the snow. Just when I thought I was dozing off again, Wilkhelm shouted out a command for his dogs to stop. I sat up and was about to ask him what happened when he shushed me. Wilkhelm quietly pulled out a bow and arrow out of one of our packs and readied it. I watched him peer along the horizon for something. The dogs began to bark and shuffle around nervously. I could tell that something was wrong.

                Suddenly, a huge roar echoed across the plains and I jolted out of the sled. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and a fearful shiver ran down my back. Wilkhelm spun around toward the sound, and released an arrow.  I followed its target and saw what he was aiming for. It was a large brown beast that had the head of a dog with snarling teeth. And it was running straight towards us.

                Wilkhelm pulled out another arrow and skillfully knocked it on his bow. Then he shot at the beast a few more times but it just kept coming. I could tell he wasn’t going to make it.

                “Wilkhelm watch out!” I screamed. Then without thinking, I leaped forward and pushed him down. We rolled on top of each other a few feet away and finally came to a halt. The beast was standing right where Wilkhelm was crouching only moments before.

                “What are you doing!” He yelled at me.

                “I’m saving your life!” I yelled back. Another roar sounded and the beast turned its attention back on us.

                “Get off me,” Wilkhelm said, and pushed me off, aiming at it once more. But I knew he wouldn’t be able to hit it, so I did what my instincts told me to do.

                I lashed out with my arm at the monster’s legs and tripped it with all my might. Then I jumped onto its back and dug my nails into it. I hadn’t even noticed that they had grown sharper in less than a second. They were almost claw-like now. Then I blindly scratched, scraped, and swiped at it until I heard it scream with fury. It stretched out its right arm and reached out to me, trying to push me off. But before it could lay a scratch on me, Wilkhelm pulled out a large knife, and sliced its arm off. I heard the beast scream with pain and fury. It was like hearing an owl screech at the top of its lungs. Purple blood squirted out of the maimed arm. I felt the beast start to get up, so I fell off and rolled onto my back, trying to slow down the momentum of my fall. Then I watched Wilkhelm stab the beast right through its chest, letting it fall into the snow with a loud thud. A short silence followed, and for a full minute you couldn’t hear anything but the dogs barking and the sound of our heavy breathing. Finally, Wilkhelm fell onto his knees and looked over at me.

                “What was that?” I asked, out of breath just as he asked, “What did you do to it?” I shook my head, showing that I didn’t know.

                “I believe that was an Iter,” He said, “I think your inner powers were awakened too, but just a little bit. We need to get to Shina quick.” He stood up and began to walk toward our sled.

                “Wilkhelm…” I whispered fearfully, “a-am I turning into one of them?” I stared down at my fingers, which were back to normal for now. I couldn’t tell what was under my jacket sleeves, but I was pretty sure the purple marks had spread.

                “I don’t know,” was all he said. Wilkhelm pulled me up and tucked me into the sled once more.

                “Wait, maybe we should just rest for the night, don’t you think? It’s getting late anyways,” I suggested.

                Wilkhelm nodded tiredly and I helped him set up the tent we packed. Together, we unrolled the sleeping bags and tucked ourselves in. I couldn't sleep though. Not after what just happened.

                “Wilkhelm, you awake?” I whispered. He made a sound that sounded like a yes. “What was the Iter doing here? I thought they were just part of a legend.”

                Once again, he said, “I don’t know,” Wilkhelm turned around and faced me. “I thought so too, but I guess the legend was wrong. Maybe it sensed you…” he suggested. But I didn’t want to believe that because if what he said was true, then it would mean that more would come find us in the future.

                “I’m scared, Wilkhelm,” I shut my eyes and tried my best to keep the tears down.If Kaitlin were here, she’d know what to do, I thought but as wimpy as that sounded, I always relied on my little sister whenever I was at my lowest.

                “I know,” was all he said. Instead he touched his forehead with two fingers and kissed them. Then he took my head and pressed his fingers into it all in one fluid motion.

                “What did you just do?” I asked shyly, thinking how Kaitlin would never do something like that.

                He shrugged, “It’s something my family has been doing for generations. I think it’s supposed comfort others and relieve stress.”

                But I stopped listening once he said "family" because it got me thinking about mine. I realized that I missed them so much that my heart ached. Wilkhelm watched me as I cried; I couldn’t stop myself. Eventually he scooted closer to me and hugged me, stroking my hair as he did so. I cried myself to sleep in his strong arms. I wondered if Kaitlin noticed that I was gone. I just kept wondering and wondering. What if I can never go back?  I couldn’t stand that thought; it gave me a cold and empty feeling inside the more I thought about it.

                “Katy, why are you here?” Wilkhelm asked, after most of my crying subsided.

                “I-” I began, but I didn’t know where to start. My voice choked as I tried again and Wilkhelm just continued to stroke my hair.

                “I know this sounds outrageous, but you’re not from this world are you? It just got me thinking,” I looked up. Being this close to him, I finally realized just how close he was to my face. I blushed and pushed him away, leaving his warm and comforting arms. Then I turned away from him trying to hide the dark shade of red glowing on my cheeks.

                “It’s true, I’m not,” I began. Then I started to tell him about my whole story, and about my own world. I told him about summer, and about the green grass, the flowers, the wind, the sound of animals and of the insects, the smell of rain, and the sound of leaves rustling in the trees. I even started to describe the ocean and about how salty the water was, about all the fish swimming around, the shells and the rocks, the soft sand and the lovely heat from the sun. I told him how sparkling and shiny the sea was in the daytime and how dark and ominous it looked at night, almost as if a powerful sea creature would rise out of it at any moment. Wilkhelm just listened quietly to me, taking in every word I said. Eventually I got to the part about the city, lights, and cars. From here I told him about my car accident, and about how I almost died, about how my mom moved us to a new state because of her job. I told him about how my legs were paralyzed from the accident, and that I was stuck in a hospital for three months. About how I wouldn’t be able to walk ever again in that world…and at this point I started to cry. But I stopped myself by mentioning how I was able to walk in his world for some reason. It was like a miracle, being able to move my legs again. Eventually I talked so much that I fell asleep without realizing it, and so did Wilkhelm shortly after.



© 2011 yukiderp


Author's Note

yukiderp
Please let me know if you find any typos or grammatical errors! >.< And feel free to pitch in some of your ideas and opinions. They'd be GREATLY appreciated. ^-^ thanks!

My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Hiya, I liked it and your obviously a very creative person. I really liked where it went and how you characterized everyone and described the settings :D. The only thing is i would read it out loud just so you could improve the flow and word choice. Also I suggest you make your first chapter a little shorter just so its less intimidating to the reader. Once you have them hooked you can make it as long as you want XD. But keep me posted i liked it a lot :D you could review my writing too ^_^.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

When I started reading I just couldn't stop, and I didn't notice any grammatical errors. The dialogues are great and detailed, and it's all very creative, a nice concept. I don't really know what more to say, it's awesome :D
Keep up the good work :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Great chapter! :) Okay, so everything is good in this chapter. I love the beginning paragraph and got interested by it and kept reading. I don't think I saw any grammar errors, so that's good.
And I agree with TheBlackmage that you should make the first chapter shorter. But for me, I don't care if it's long or not. :)
I like the dialogue and the details you used.
Nice job. :D
In my library again! :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Hiya, I liked it and your obviously a very creative person. I really liked where it went and how you characterized everyone and described the settings :D. The only thing is i would read it out loud just so you could improve the flow and word choice. Also I suggest you make your first chapter a little shorter just so its less intimidating to the reader. Once you have them hooked you can make it as long as you want XD. But keep me posted i liked it a lot :D you could review my writing too ^_^.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

267 Views
3 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on November 30, 2011
Last Updated on December 1, 2011
Tags: iteruhi yukiderp fantasy adventu


Author

yukiderp
yukiderp

CA



About
Hey my name is Yukina, and my favorite book is The Hunger Games. My favorite snack is ramen...and I love to cosplay. I love to write. But only stories, I'm not much of a poem person. You may .. more..

Writing
Regrets Regrets

A Story by yukiderp