A Story by zero binty

I've been active.  I've taken Bootydo on walks.  I've worked my scheduled hours.  I've spent times with friends.  I've written pieces that will never be seen by your eyes.
I just want to know how to stop.
I can't live in these conditions.  My damaged soul is struggling to move forward, but the memories turn the stepping stones into stumbling.
I've stopped texting you.  I deleted my social media accounts.  I moved to another side of town.
My train of thought is out of control, no matter what I do, no matter where I try to lead it.  If I can't avoid it, this train wreck is going to be spectacular.
I'm tired.  I can't control the, for lack of a better word, the chaos.  To outside observers, chaos is an overestimation, but they don't see the thought process.  They don't see the struggle to exist, so I only tell my story to this haven of anonymity.
I talk to myself.  A metric s**t tonne.  It's a constant conversation about the nothing that is my everything.  One reason I do it is because my mind wanders right back to the pain.
I need to stop.
I reach out to ones who should not have to endure my story.  I try to remember the memories that blossom from younger years.  The ones that didn't include you.  It does no good, because the love I had for you shatters my concentration.  All because I chose a path that makes me feel and love with the deepness of my heart and soul.  Stupid choices lead to stupid results.
I have to stop.
I've put in employment applications to try to at least increase my financial status.  I was exercising to try to improve my health.  I had lost about ten pounds because I didn't eat for a couple of days.  I first started out in the sadness that separation brings.  Micro victories gave a positive spin to the lie I live.  Memories and anger washed away my ability to hold on to that positiveness.  I shelled myself back into the broken armor of failure.  The familiarity comforts me.  The sad truth that only in failure do I know the truths in life makes success all the more evasive to any grasp I would have.

© 2017 zero binty

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Added on July 3, 2017
Last Updated on July 3, 2017


zero binty
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A Story by zero binty