Bad memories

i'm sitting here staring at this screen 

i'm wondering if you'll ever understand what i mean

or even hell, will i?

will i stay confused until the day that i die

when will the day draw nigh?

when i can wipe another tear from my eye? 

only i know that i'm crying inside

only i know this is me trying to hide

i've got more fears than a paranoid crack head

but i hide behind more walls than a Pharaoh of the undead

who knows what i want?

maybe a life i could flaunt?

show of to the world

or show off  to a girl

i just want a smile to stick to my face

that no matter the pressure no weight can erase

but in my mind i see only black

and looking back

i realise whose fault is that

its my own

for my own sins i must attone

my own mistakes i did create

i should have calculated what i put at stake

but i didn't and i forgot

i hit and missed my shot

so many inner demons have i fought 

and still

i don't have any will

or any room to feel

is this what they claim is real?

well take it back, i'll live in my mind

lock the door and throw the key inside

but I can't. I've never been one to hide

now that the feelings are out there like targets

I just want you to know writing this song was the hardest

but I know this was more for me than for you

I just have to show myself what I have to do

give me time, like a perfect rhyme

I'm gonna have to put in some work

and at first its gonna hurt

but in the end, it doesn''t even matter

i'm using this time like its a personal ladder

helping me climb and grow up

instead of staying stuck

Author's Note

idk if this one was finished i may come back and add more