Sebastian

Sebastian

A Chapter by MightyMouse

“Ouch!” He falls again, scraping his knees on the rocky ground. He’s fallen so many times he’s lost track. His worn out sneakers hold no traction in the mud and rocks. “I hate this!” He screams at no one. Sebastian has been alone for about a week, and now he’s trudging through the mountains. “The Rockies.” he says to himself. “Why are they even called the Rockies? All mountains are made of rocks!” He yells frustrated. It rained yesterday, but the sky is still dark and menacing. “Ouch!” And there he goes again, this time landing flat on his face breaking his glasses in the process. He picks himself back up off the ground and rubs the mud out of his eyes. “Damnit!” He picks his broken glasses up out of the mud. The lenses are shattered, and they’re bent at odd angles. He tries to straighten them out but they snap in half. There’s no way he can fix them now, so he tosses them to the side. He tries to wipe more mud off of his face, but there’s so much mud on his hands that he only rubs it around more. There isn’t enough clean space on his t-shirt to help either. Sebastian desperately wants a shower. He hasn’t had a shower in so long he couldn’t count the days on all his fingers and toes though strictly speaking that was an exaggeration. His last shower he had been in a refugee camp with his mother and aunt. Before it was overrun and thinking back it was really only a little under a week. But the showers at the refugee camp were cold and they came with a time limit. He takes a deep breath and let’s it out all in a dramatic sigh remembering what it felt like to be clean, actually clean in a hot shower that he hasn’t had in a whole year. Remembering what it felt like to have warm water running down your back, and the feeling of soap washing the dirt away. Remembering the taste of toothpaste and the smoothness of his teeth when he ran his tongue over them. Now he was gritty and nasty and downright disgusted with his body.

His stomach rumbles and his mouth waters reminding him how hungry he is. It hadn’t been quite as long since he had eaten last. He ate the last of his food the day before. Half a pack of stale saltine crackers and a can of tuna that certainly didn’t help him feel cleaner. He misses being clean and fed and having a place to stay at night. But the thing he misses the most about society, he couldn’t tell you. He misses everything. The old cliché, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, has frequently played across his mind when he starts to think about what things used to be like. Sebastian shakes his head to drive the thoughts away. “No point in thinking about the past, it’s not coming back.” He’s developed the habit of speaking to himself, usually out loud despite the danger, and he wonders briefly if it’s dangerous to his mental health. “Guess it’s too late to worry about it now.” He says throwing his hand out as if to throw the thought away.

Sebastian sits on a rock to take a break and rubs his ankles. He was skinny before he was starving, and it’s starting to take a toll on his already weak ankles. His ankles are weak because he’s had them broken several times. Most of the incidents happened before he turned ten. His father was a drunk and abusive and used to get pleasure out of pushing him down the stairs. Sebastian lived with his father’s abuse until he was finally old enough to get a job and save enough money to move in with his mother and aunt Meredith who lived in America. Sebastian is originally from London in the United Kingdom. In America, Sebastian had become instantly popular. Everyone just adored his accent and blonde hair and brown eyes. He had felt like a puppy every time he went out in public. It gave him an advantage over all the men his age when it came to girls, but he didn’t want them to like him because he was english. He wanted them to like him because he was strong, tan. He wanted to show off a six pack and drive a sports car and live in a big house on a beach in California. But unfortunately he was skinny and pale with no six pack, sports car, or big beach house in California. He was barely getting by on his and his aunt Meredith’s paycheck. His mother had been unable to work due to progressing cancer. She could hardly walk from the living room to the kitchen. He feels his low spirits sink further into despair with thoughts of the past. He stands still trying to rub mud off his clothing and off his face. He continues his trek through the mountains.

Thunder sounds somewhere in the distance. Sebastian glares at the morose sky. Dark clouds are gathering overhead, too close to the ground. Sebastian feels odd being so close to the sky. “Guess the rains not done. Thanks, Mother Nature.” he grumbles his already heavy footsteps turning into a steady stomp. “At least there’s a convenient little cabin with electricity and warm running water and a nice bed. Right, Mother Nature?” He asks sarcastically rolling his eyes. But of course there isn’t. The thunder is getting louder. Deep booms assault his ears and he brings his hands up to cover them. White lightning flashes across the dark sky. Rain droplets begin to splatter his face and arms. Sebastian searches frantically for somewhere he can stay dry. Sebastian isn’t angry anymore. He’s terrified. The fury of the sky descends on the mountainside bringing a deep darkness. He waves his hand in front of his face. His thumb brushes his nose, but he can’t see it. Thunder booms and he jumps, his shoes slipping in the mud sending him to the ground. Lightning flashes across the sky blinding for a brief span. He tries unsuccessfully to rub the mud from his eyes again. He picks himself up off the ground and lets the rain wash it out for him. He begins walking again dragging his shoes. The longer he walks, the heavier they get.

Sebastian sticks his arms out in front of him and moves his feet slowly across the ground feeling for anything he might trip over. He continues to fall in the mud, but he saves his shins from the sharp rocks. His hands meet a few trees. He leans against them for support, but they offer little protection from the rain. He continues on wishing desperately for the rain to let up a little until he finds some shelter. After some time his hands come to rest against a wall of stones. He reaches up, but doesn’t touch the top. “Well, it’s definitely too high to climb over, especially in the dark and rain.” He decides and begins moving to the left pressing himself against the stones, hoping to find some way around them or a cave, preferable unoccupied to take refuge in. He uses the wall of stones to stop himself from falling down. Lightning flashes across the sky again lighting his way just as the wall and ground disappears. He tries to stop, but his shoes lose traction in the mud and he begins rolling down a steep incline with his hands over his head. Sebastian comes to rest on a ledge barely large enough to hold him. He tries to sit up and feels the ledge shifting under his weight. He knows he’s hurt, but his body feels numb. Small rocks he dislodged in his tumble are raining down around him. One hits him hard on his forehead. The rain begins to lessen, the thunder quiets, and the lighting seems to disappear. Sebastian can feel himself slipping into unconsciousness as the sky weeps silently around him.




© 2016 MightyMouse



Author's Note

MightyMouse
Kay, I edited this chapter too. It was especially difficult, but I would like to know if it gives anyone a better feel for the character.

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Society is gone? Post apocalyptic is good. A timeframe would be nice, and could be introduced when he's thinking about his last shower. All he knows is that it was more than 20 days ago, can he not think more specifically? How many moons ago, if nothing else? Still curious about the ages of the protagonists.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




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LM
I love the theme to this and you've created another intriguing character which is important to the development of your story, if you have crappy characters than the story just wont work, but you don't have that problem at all! Pip and Sebastian may not have a connection yet but I'm thinking that will soon change. I'm guessing this is the establishment of each character and their setting till the main plot begins to unfold.Your setting and descriptions are solid and your characters are very likable. =) I know how hard it is to gain the time to focus and poor your heart and creativity in a character, its very taxing. But I think you are doing an amazing job so far. Keep going!!

Posted 1 Year Ago


LM

1 Year Ago

No i know what you mean you have to go up the rollercoaster slowly before the big climatic drop. Im .. read more
MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

Yep, I was going to read it tonight. I saw that you sent me a read request. I have one more before y.. read more
LM

1 Year Ago

So happy to have your interest. I know now that the chapter needs more work and ill do my best. But .. read more
Sebastian is a surprisingly entertaining character. I was laughing out loud with the first several lines, especially the thing about the Rockies. Honestly, great job on that joke!
I also love that he talks to himself. It's probably because I tend to do that myself, but that made me like him a lot.

Posted 1 Year Ago


MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

That's great, I want everyone to like him. :)
Poopewpachoo

1 Year Ago

P.S. I'm kind of hooked. I haven't kept reading because I got sidetracked with breakfast (food is li.. read more
MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

Lol, thanks. I'm experimenting with titles.
I like where this is going and your character developments are strong enough to the story. I did notice a lot of "He" at the beginning of each sentence. Perhaps combining thoughts and actions of two sentences into one to shorten the paragraphs and also use descriptive verbs which create an emotion without using as many words to get the same effect. Adjectives are great but placement is only needed if it awakens a better understanding to one of our five senses, which also evoke an emotional response. I think with a bit more tightening up, a reader could even get a nearly total sensory experience with fewer words. Great stuff so I will keep reading.

Posted 1 Year Ago


MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

Thanks again. I do notice that I use a lot of hes too, and I really need to work on it.
I see tons of improvement!! You've added a lot more details and I can tell, You must have spent quite a number of hours on it? I can see the image of what's happening very well this time round, with all the extra detail it really adds to the excitement of the story. I've also got a better picture of what it is you're trying to write, so you've improved a lot! I'm really impressed! On to the next chapter~

Posted 1 Year Ago


PenguinEmpiress

1 Year Ago

That's a very interesting way of describing your writing style! I like it! And really that's the bes.. read more
MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

Yes, I'll have it sometime in the next few hours if my decides to end yard work by then. She has som.. read more
PenguinEmpiress

1 Year Ago

Well, best of luck to you then! I hope you can get what you wanted done!
Very nice touch, having Sebastian talk to himself out loud. This chapter brought to my attention something that I didn't realize about the first chapter: there's very little description going on concerning the characters' environments. It wasn't so obvious in the first chapter, because Pip had a mission, and that mission was enough to let me subconsciously fill in any blanks in the scenery. Sebastian doesn't seem to have a mission, which isn't inherently a bad thing (though it would certainly help if you explained if he was traveling to somewhere specific, or even traveling AWAY from something specific), but it did make the lack of scenery much more obvious...

There's lots of mud, and eventually some sharp rocks and a tall stone wall, but that's about it. In a chapter that doesn't have its only featured character doing anything besides walking and thinking, you need to make sure that the reader isn't just imagining them in a void. First, what are his immediate surroundings? There are a lot of different backdrop choices in the Rocky Mountains, so simply establishing that he's there isn't enough. Is he in a forest? Probably not, since Sebastian DOES consider himself "close to the sky", which implies he's closer to the top of a mountain, which, as far as the Rockies are concerned, would be above the "tree line". So then, IS he at the top? Is he hiking up, or down? There may not be a forest, but surely there's other shrubbery. Is he on an established (albeit muddy) trail? Is he on an established road? Are there squirrels chattering nearby, or birds calling? Maybe animals are more scarce in this post-apocalyptic world; if so, noting the unnerving absence of animal sounds would be just as effective, even if it's to establish that Sebastian is finally used to it.

Not only are these descriptions important by themselves, but in Sebastian's case, it will make his broken glasses even more important. Now there's a direct contrast to before and after, showing the reader exactly how poor his vision is. I wear glasses, so I know how much trouble I'd be in if I were in his shoes, but anyone who doesn't would probably be only able to guess here. You show him not being able to see well once he starts moving around again, but his groping around seems more akin to a blind person, or someone traveling in the dark (which reminds me, establishing the general time of day is a good idea, too), so I didn't find it all too believable. I know some people really do have vision that poor, but if that's the case, you should really consider including that factor. Sebastian could even say it out loud "Great, I'm literally blind without my glasses..."

So unfortunately, I didn't enjoy this chapter as much as the last one. Adding more to Sebastian's environment would go a long way to fix this, though. I know you already said you're not great at descriptions, which is OK. Practice, and you'll get better. I'll check out the next chapter when I can.

P.S. Ahhhh nooo Present tense! Haha it's OK, it may just be a preference thing for me, but if you DO want to switch the narration to past tense (which I do strongly advise you to do), just know that that too will come with practice.

Posted 1 Year Ago


MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

I do appreciate you reviewing my chapters. I'll add more to his environment, and as a person without.. read more
Ok, I'm a little curious about this one.Where is he? Is he in the forest? or in the city? - which I doubt. It's a good chapter I will admit, but it's a bit all over the place and a bit too simple. I don't mean to sound rude, I just want to help in any way.

I still think a bit more description would help create the scene and the experience for the reader. When I write, I play it through my head like a movie and just write down the picture I see. So if it was me writing this scene of the approaching storm, I would have written 'Thunder sounds in the distance and Sebastian looks over the gloomy sky coated in black and grey, and the quick streaks of light that turn it purple and white.' But that's just me, it's your story as I said in that other review.

So this is my thoughts, so it hopes it helps in some way.

Posted 1 Year Ago


MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

I think I'm starting to get the hang of it. That or my creative flow is turned all the way up today... read more
PenguinEmpiress

1 Year Ago

I haven't read it yet, but I'll be sure to read when I can!
MightyMouse

1 Year Ago

No rush :)
Sebastian arc isn't exacting as pip, but I think he is the spoiled kid.

there is no connect at the moment between Pip and Sebastian until now (maybe in the future there will be?), so i think you are telling short stories about the same events, End of the world.

but it would be great to give us more information, (also about environment).

and how can some 1 been away after the worlds ended for more than 20 days and didn't get used to it ?? going to a supermarket, filling the cart and leave, going to cloth shops and take what ever he need.
if i read correctly he's been Away from civilization for more than 20 days ????
there the hell is he ?

a lot of information are missing so i will be rating 85

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Society is gone? Post apocalyptic is good. A timeframe would be nice, and could be introduced when he's thinking about his last shower. All he knows is that it was more than 20 days ago, can he not think more specifically? How many moons ago, if nothing else? Still curious about the ages of the protagonists.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on August 20, 2016
Last Updated on August 22, 2016


Author

MightyMouse
MightyMouse

Dayton, TX



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I enjoy writing and I want to know if other people enjoy my writing. I live in a house full of seven people, three of them children, thirteen dogs, and ten cats. I have a twin sister with only one leg.. more..

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