It Starts With a Sense of Unease

It Starts With a Sense of Unease

A Story by Stuart

It starts with a sense of unease, something isn’t quite right; a storm is coming? Perhaps I have shifted briefly into an adjacent universe where the laws of physics are off by a millionth of a degree. A cold sweat emerges as my skin seems to tremble. Is this a panic attack? Legs are jelly now. Racing thoughts of rare diseases. If I pass out make sure it’s in a public place. All is made clear, however, with a gargling that emanates from the depths of my bowels. Of course. How could I ever fool myself into thinking that I would fall victim to something so exotic as some unusual and deadly condition. The ego to assume that I would be patient zero. No, that intestinal rumbling could mean only one thing. It’s a voice. A brown voice that speaks to me.


“I am diarrhoea” it says,


and for the moment it seems reassuringly distant. A voice that can, however, move with a ferocious speed that would leave Einstein bewildered. They will have to revise those textbooks. “Nothing can exceed the speed of light (except the movement of diarrhoea from the moment of realisation to the moment of danger; danger I need a f*****g toilet!). Curse all those wasted hours I did not spend strengthening my anus. The strength needed to both run and clench the bum’s cheeks simultaneously. Perhaps I could develop an incredible forward leap from a standing position using only my toes, as squatting would surely prove fatal. I could build up the stamina to do this all the way home as if on an invisible pogo stick.


“I am your diarrhoea and you are going to have me”.


It knows, a low bilious rumble represents an event horizon of sorts. Once made aware of diarrhoea you can’t not have it. A cold truth of existence.


My entire being only exists for two things now, holding back a tsunami of s**t and getting my arse home. I stop at least 3 times amid the crowds in a strange calm of acceptance that today is the day I shite my pants and that’s ok. Only half wondering how quickly I could tuck the bottom of my jeans into my socks. Shitting myself would be the easy way out. So each time with renewed determination and sweating profusely I put one foot in front of the other. The comfort of home getting both closer and farther away with each step. I feel like a submarine under the pressure of deep waters. As if in protest, long whining farts begin to escape me drawing concerned looks from passers-by. One lady noticing my obvious distress actually starts to approach me, she gets within about 4 feet before she is halted in her tracks as if by an invisible force, her face contorts in a mixture of rage, confusion and disgust, she almost doubles over retching as she is caught in the fart fuelled miasma of stench that now surrounds me. A murmured apology from me is met with an accusing look. I don’t need this. I keep moving forward.


At long last I arrive at my front door. I begin to fumble my keys as farts echo loudly in the stair well, I feel like a stinky fog horn. 3 floors down a neighbour is shouting about keeping the bloody noise down. I’m so close. Stumbling through the door I’m on the verge of collapsing. My jeans are already at my ankles I launch myself backwards arse first at the toilet.

For a mere second that seems to last infinity, nothing happens. Then, slowly at first but gathering momentum, my guts begin to implode, compressing to a near singularity. There is an almighty pain. The kind of agony that would send most men insane. What follows can only be described as the biggest loudest fart in whole wide world. It goes on for ages and I can feel the heat from it warming my back. As my cramping bladder expunges the last molecule of smelly air it re inflates, blasting water and s**t out with incredible force. All the while accompanied by a loud low bellow escaping my lungs.


Bizarrely, through the pain I feel something rub the top of my head. I open my eyes half delirious only to realise it’s the ceiling and that through the sheer propulsive force of the dirty water hosing forth from my frightened anus I am hovering mid-air. In shock I look down to see the toilet bowl near full to the brim and my arse showing no signs of letting up. In a panic and with no time to wonder in amazement at the fact I have become some sort of rancid jet pack, I look to the next receptacle along which is the sink. Using my hands on the ceiling I center my arse hole over the sink. In absolute despair I watch as the sink quickly fills the pure brown sludge that shows no signs of slowing down. On to the next receptacle, the bath.


After what seemed like hours the s**t stream sputtered out like a plane engine and abruptly ceased, sending me plunging towards a bath three quarters full of my own mess. It was totally disgusting. Looking across the bathroom next to the toilet all I can see, like a ragged flag of surrender are the remnants of the final sheet of toilet paper.

 

 


© 2016 Stuart



Author's Note

Stuart
My first attempt at writing.

My Review

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Featured Review

We are human and even dogs on the same diet get this. Not very comfortable with this subject matter, but you have good skills and on any topic you choose it is clear I would find your writing easy to read and the character's thoughts, easy to follow. Just finished lunch so glad I read this afterwards, ha, ha.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stuart

1 Year Ago

Thanks for taking the time to read. Definitely my subject matters are not for everyone
Mehameha

1 Year Ago

Yes, but your writing is great. That also stuck out.



Reviews

Take it from me- it's s**t! Joking! It's very funny and most folk will connect a with this. The big question is- will you make it?
Well done.
Alan

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

We are human and even dogs on the same diet get this. Not very comfortable with this subject matter, but you have good skills and on any topic you choose it is clear I would find your writing easy to read and the character's thoughts, easy to follow. Just finished lunch so glad I read this afterwards, ha, ha.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stuart

1 Year Ago

Thanks for taking the time to read. Definitely my subject matters are not for everyone
Mehameha

1 Year Ago

Yes, but your writing is great. That also stuck out.
Truly, though, this is not my genre. Interesting topic. The imagery is solid.

Posted 1 Year Ago



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Added on July 26, 2016
Last Updated on July 27, 2016

Author

Stuart
Stuart

Glasgow/Dundee, United Kingdom



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