A Poem by BThomvanWart

Struggling against staying afloat in life while trying to find balance when you're unbalanced is hard. Very Hard.

I've never felt so stressed before in my life...
I feel as though my heart wants nothing but to dream and live,
But my head is pulling in the opposite direction;
My head tells me to remain practical and maintain everyone's well-being,
My heart says that it wants to go places and see people, make new friends elsewhere...
Slowly, these two voices talk so much that I feel it...
My mind begins to bend, unwillingly.
Once strong steel, now merely malleable copper.
I feel it slowly take blow after blow,
If this is how a blacksmith would reshape metal into a new tool,
It hurts too much.
I can feel my mind begin to crush in unto itself;
Thoughts and ideas snapping so much they're nothing but distant memories.
The stress builds to a point, and then, thud.
A crushing blow from whatever voice spoke the loudest.
I feel my head begin to hurt;
A splitting headache causing my mind to cry out.
But, of course, nothing is heard but the bickering of my heart and head.
I'm tired, unbalanced.
I'm hurting, uncured.
Before, my mind and body were one, 
Now they're completely different.
No longer satisfied by "soon" or "in the future," my heart begins to fight back.
No longer accepting the "learn this" or "read that," my head begins to clash into the mix.
My stress is so manic I can barely think,
My panic is growing to the surface. 
I want to run,
To flee from my own mind -
-But I can't.
-I can't run from this mess.
Parts of me know I can't ever do that, but other parts are packing - 
They're getting ready to check out.
I'm crying on the inside, trying to figure out how to not be consumed.
I'm trying in the outside to stay afloat and not sink into this quicksand.
But these counterproductive actions yield what seems to be nothing;
My stomach clenches into itself; 
I desperately want relief but where do I find it?
How Do I Find It?
I'm lost and in need of guidance,
I'm lost and I'm so stupidly standing in front of a Help Desk,
I'm lost, Goddamnit, and I can't bring myself to say it out loud.
I can only write it down, I can only scream into myself.
Numbness touches me; turning my heart and head into cold, unsensed things.
Numbness controls me, telling me that feeling is nothing to worry about -
-It tells me those feelings I've felt aren't anything important,
-That everything I've felt is nothing, just let it take over.
-And...I do. 

© 2015 BThomvanWart

Author's Note

Just a mental health update. Does anyone else feel like this one some days?

My Review

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Wow! Stress is an understatement.
I hope you do have support.
These are real issues. The emotional aspect is difficult. The heart will feel the strain. Blood pressure and vascular disease are real concerns as well.
If these feelings are overwhelming you should be under active care and support.
Anyhow, the write is spot on. I've been there too... Never want to go back. Have to be disciplined if this will not trap me once more.
A good write. Feels like a call for help.
Call out IRL to your support. Please.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 Year Ago

I appreciate the concern, David. I normally always try to write from a very real, very tangible plac.. read more
 David Scott

1 Year Ago

Well, I have sought medical and therapeutic care when needed. It is strength to do so.
Alwa.. read more

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1 Review
Added on August 2, 2015
Last Updated on August 2, 2015
Tags: Stress, Relating, Emotional, Emotions, Bad Day, Depression



North Kingstown, RI

The work primarily featured here will be poetry. There may be the occasional deviation, but it will be a majority of poems in the prose style. I do try to work on expanding my writing skills by writin.. more..