sounds and lights.

sounds and lights.

A Poem by recantichize

the moon through the window
spreads neck to thigh
awake,
    awake,
awake.
the faucet leaks out drops
into my mind's eye,
awake,
    awake,
awake.
eyes blur the swirling lights
of the freeway passerby,
awake,
            awake,
awake.
the morning sun's teeth marks
have already cut the sky.
awake,
   awake,
awake.
the clock ticks out
like a heartbeat pounding
awake,
    awake,
awake. 
another day begins
with delirium surrounding.
eventually,
   i'll finally,
    break.

© 2012 recantichize



Author's Note

recantichize
guess what i was doing instead of sleeping last night.

My Review

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Featured Review

Some great moments here but I feel it doesn't flow quite as well as it could. It may be just my personal opinion. I love the line "the morning sun's teeth marks have already cut the skys" but fear it should either say skies or sky. Sky is normally deemed to be singular but if wanting a plural, it should be skies. Sorry to be pedantic.

Please don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed it. These are minor issues only.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

This is creative and nice to read.....i can totally identify as well since im an insomniac....



Posted 5 Years Ago


Solid write, with rhythmic meter and style. Your authors note eludes to something different but to me it all epitomized insomnia.

Posted 5 Years Ago


in this case, insomnia yields a great bit of creativity. Nice use of format here.
"the morning sun's teeth marks
have already cut the sky.
awake,.."
excellent rendering.


Posted 5 Years Ago


first, i bet you have been doing something nice which is better to be at night than the morning. so when it was time for the sun to appear, and the night was gonna disappear, you felt so sad because of that, it reminds me of dracula who lives at night and when it is time for the sun, they may get burnt. i really lov the poem and the way it was written rather than the words picked in it, great work really

Posted 5 Years Ago


I really enjoyed this. I loved the personification (getting all fancy, my English teacher would be proud :P) "The morning sun's teeth cut into the skys." I know Cathy Wattam said that too, but it's true. I also love the way you repeated the word 'awake' over and over but then on the last stanza changed the words. Amazing. I also really enjoyed how you were rhyming all the words but then in the last two stanzas you mixed it up a bit.
It has a few jagged edges, but I don't know, they kind of add to the eeriness. Great job!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


Some great moments here but I feel it doesn't flow quite as well as it could. It may be just my personal opinion. I love the line "the morning sun's teeth marks have already cut the skys" but fear it should either say skies or sky. Sky is normally deemed to be singular but if wanting a plural, it should be skies. Sorry to be pedantic.

Please don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed it. These are minor issues only.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

sounds like a night of insomnia, perhaps many nights. if it is many nights you will start hallucinating during the day.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


Why the third eye? The introduction of that concept was muddling for me. Also, the conversation we had about the last part. I'm not immediately sure how to communicate that. I'll think on it.

Love the rest of it. Morning sun's teeth marks. I don't hardly notice or for that matter mind the rhyme scheme changing on the last two stanzas.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago



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Added on April 9, 2012
Last Updated on April 11, 2012

Author

recantichize
recantichize

denton, TX



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perpetual wa(o)nderer more..

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