One Cold And Cloudy Rise

One Cold And Cloudy Rise

A Poem by Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

__One Cold And Cloudy Rise__



 

One Cold and cloudy rise caught caws of calling crows

Though chill did match my heart I ambled to the scene

Catch sight of Countless corvids circling in throws

 

My melancholy eyes took flight in frolic flows

Black dashes dip and dart as far as I could see

One cold and cloudy rise caught caws of calling crows

 

My exhales turned to sighs to view this grace bestow

To witness living arts impressionistic seen

Catch sight of Countless corvids circling in throws

 

A tear dropped from my eye to spot the solemn show

A single crow’s depart the source of this mourning

One Cold and cloudy rise caught cause of calling crows

 

This funerary flight that set my soul aglow

In gratitude impart compose this song I sing

Catch site of Countless corvids circling in throws

 

I pray with all my might that vision never goes

When all around seems stark I’ll find the hidden spring

One Cold and cloudy rise caught caws of calling crows

Catch sight of Countless corvids circling in throws

© 2019 Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)


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Featured Review

Not a fan of Villanelle form, but I feel a trace of it here, with your repeating lines. My objection with Villanelle -- it feels needlessly repetitive -- but your poem absolutely does not. Your repeated lines are perfectly designed to add emphasis. This poem definitely exceeds the beauty of the video clip you took of the circling black birds. This being a poem with multi-layered depths of feeling, I love it. This is a great "Touché!" for my comment about your more cerebral writing at times *wink! wink!* One of my favorites of yours & thanks for the inspiration to be more attentive to my surroundings (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

1 Month Ago

After writing this I am not a villanelle fan either LOL but you know I had to do one when someone as.. read more



Reviews

This one contains more alliteration than Poe's work does, but there is something Poesque about it. Maybe it's because of the black birds, but I think the general tone of somberness is very similar, also. Like "The Raven," this poem is concerned with death. I liked very much the spirit of the last verse, too, where the grimness that life sometimes presents us with can also impel us to seek the "hidden spring." Nice work, Bunny.

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Will wonders from your creative mind ever cease? I surely hope not, My Cool Friend.
Well, Robert,
Right-off, I recognized this work as a French Villanelle, and my eyes could not believe it came dancing from your pen, from the contemporary writer I've come to know you as.
My heart soared to know you've wandered into the classic art of true poetry … I do so hope you'll venture more into the forms and genre of these glorious enlighteners of skillful poetical discipline. There is no other more bountiful exercise in poetical development than the classics … once mastered, any form of poetical magick becomes accessible to your pen … even more impressively refined versions of your own original formats.
Poe-esque in timbre, you've truly brought the world of Hitchcock's "Birds" to life upon the page, luring us ever-so craftily into your almost gothic murder of crows, and in your own voice, it takes on an even more ominous intensity.
Technically (except for "mourning", V4L2), the entirety of this piece is perfectly composed in iambic hexameter (five iambic feet or 12-iambic syllables), and your "b" rhymes are quite slanted, too, with a smattering of odd syntactic flow a few places, and you could easily set all those straight, if you've the mind to. Still, overall, I'd say you've done an exemplary job of composing your first Villanelle. Most never come this close until their third, fourth, and fifth try. Omit a space between your title and first line, and add a space between your last line and the music box, to give it some breathing room.
Loved:
"One Cold and cloudy rise caught caws of calling crows
Though chill did match my heart I ambled to the scene
Catch sight of Countless corvids circling in throws"

Your brilliant refrain lines kept the theme vibrantly breathing and the heart beating nicely, verse-to-verse.
Really good stuff, Robert … I thoroughly enjoyed this excellent effort! ⁓ Richard 🍃

PS: Ya get a chance, check out my Villanelle "Woodsprite"
https://www.writerscafe.org/writing/RichardJ/1584637/

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

3 Weeks Ago

yes mourning was a sticking point for me I still cant feel and tease the right word it will probably.. read more
Richard 🍃

3 Weeks Ago

I welcome all "serious" comers, My Friend. : )
Dear Bunny, your lines are so visual here. I saw it all, and what's more I felt your heavy heart as you watched. The repetition works very well. I have never been a fan of crows, simply because they make me feel melancholy, unlike most other feathered friends. Great alliteration and I have to say, this piece is positively a favourite from you.

Chris

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

3 Weeks Ago

Oh I’m so glad you read this I thought of all the people in the cafe that you would like this one:.. read more
another great descriptive poem about some of Natures finest, don't know if you've ever watched hundreds of thousands of starlings as they sweep and sway and dive bomb in perfect synchronicity, a genuine delight more powerful than the mightiest brush of the artist some of your alchemic alliteration had me thinking about them,

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

3 Weeks Ago

I have never seen it in nature, only on film I would relish the chance to see it live I am quite sur.. read more
gram linski

3 Weeks Ago

hahaha, you're a genius, you mad fool, might be a European thing, quite common over here,

Caw..... there are things afoot and all around that will darken skies and compel, confound and compound... I fear, I love this Robert.. daringly dark and deep.... aint a flock of corvids a murder of crows.....

Posted 4 Weeks Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

4 Weeks Ago

LOL... I love that term try as I did... i couldn't get that expression to fit in the poem so I let i.. read more
Neville

4 Weeks Ago

tantalizingly so.... :)
Robert, you've captured what I so often feel during this gray, dreary season. You're right, our vision can pull us from the depths of such melancholy. I often try to find the brightest color among the gray. Sometimes it's a bright red cardinal on a rusty, wire fence. Other times it's a crushed, orange soda can along the gravel road. What I find not only interesting but impressive is how you took an often dark-mood creature like the crow and made him something wonderful, if only comparatively.

It seems I often comment on your gift of alliteration and like literary devices, which seem to drift magically through this poem like your crows. A truly fine piece of writing and more.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

1 Month Ago

Oh my you're just like me brother ray:) before long you will be collecting refuse and turning it int.. read more
an amazing thing when the crows flock ... they can fill trees and the chill winter air with raucous song ... they deserve the omen attached to them me thinks .. tho your poem lifts them up .. as it is a work of art .. i really like the audio ... hearing your verse spoken is far better than i reading ... the nuance of language and easy flow is highlighted when spoken ..not sure it is strict Villanelle but i think it works quite well... nice one Bunny! perfect time of year too!
E.

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

1 Month Ago

Thanks Einstein... its a poem that is close to my heart for sure think this is one of my personal fa.. read more
I pray with all my might that vision never goes

When all around seems stark I’ll find the hidden spring

One Cold and cloudy rise caught caws of calling crows

Catch sight of Countless corvids circling in throws

Poe would be proud. A great work in the macabre but definitely some bunny whimsy here too.

Posted 1 Month Ago


Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

1 Month Ago

Hi Pryde thank you so much my fellow Poe fan:)
There is a reason that most people consider, "Do not go gentle into that good night", the capstone of Dylan Thomas's work. He could write form and free and in the end, point his finger to the poem previously mentioned above and say, "Look you turds, I can write anything I want and I do it well". Ok, maybe he might not of said that, but he definitely did in a round about way. Working in form is not a bad or good thing, it only matters if you take the bull by the horns and make it your b***h, which I thought you did in this effort.

Well, to me, the rhymes never felt forced. (It is a villanelle) If you wanted to please the meter crowd, you could make a few tweaks here and there, but that would be pandering to the rewriters who march into a perfected unpublishable oblivion.

I thought the meat of your poem as tricky as your subject. Crows being tricksters and all. It goes down well lyrically and I especially liked the use of the hard "C" in the end lines. A good rhyming poem with well used repetition can be read and heard like a spell. I think anyway.

So, this is great work! You are now going to have to buy a smoking jacket and a nice pipe and change your name to " the sophisticated rhyme and meter bunny" Just think about it.



Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

1 Month Ago

This review made me sigh, grunt, blush then chuckle to a snicker, nod then smile and start shopping .. read more
I liked these turns of phrase especially"
"Though chill did match my heart
My melancholy eyes took flight
My exhales turned to sighs
A tear dropped from my eye to spot
A single crow’s depart the source of this mourning
This funerary flight that set my soul aglow
When all around seems stark I’ll find the hidden spring"

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

MomzillaNC

1 Month Ago

I'm not sure it's a horror piece. However, you can always share a link from WritersCafe to the WE PA.. read more
Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

1 Month Ago

yeah that's the one I tried to do some days my digital fingers get floppy:)
MomzillaNC

4 Weeks Ago

Well, it's up now.

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420 Views
25 Reviews
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Shelved in 1 Library
Added on November 12, 2019
Last Updated on November 21, 2019
Tags: Crows, Ravens, Corvids, art, scene, nature, witness, heart, soul, love, beauty, vision

Author

Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)
Robert Trakofler (Bad Bunny)

pittsburgh, PA



About
I am the Bunny but the bunny isn't me long live the bunny Hello I’m Robert I own an art gallery and performance space in Pittsburgh called The Zenith It is also an antique store and a veget.. more..

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