Chapter 1 - Bus Stop Beauty

Chapter 1 - Bus Stop Beauty

A Chapter by Tertia

I made some of the cheap chicory coffee and toast from the freezer and Shay and I sat in the gloom, looking at the rain and smoking. She drank slowly, not wanting to go back to her parents’ house and I drank quickly wanting the afternoon to myself. I’d had my way with her and was exhausted, she was good at pleasing me and knew what I wanted, but nevertheless I needed space now; I needed to get away from her. Wear something nice tonight I said. She looked white as a ghost. What d’you mean? she said. Short skirt and underwear. OK, fully kitted out, she said subserviently, smiling. She stylishly flicked ash into her half empty cup. I drove her the five miles back to Niseden and we sat in the car and said good bye. Her kiss was wet and passionate and I noticed she gripped the gear stick to balance herself towards me. She saw the look of amusement on my face at it and so played with it, watching my reactions. She had a look of evil glee about her, it was devil like and incredibly erotic to watch.

‘Look, I’d better go,’ she said.

‘See you at eight,’ I said. I didn’t go straight back to the flat, I drove around for a while to check the car was running smoothly. I drove up to the ring road and sped along it the long way around back home and there on the bus stop was the stunning beauty that was Jessica Jacobs who was in my class at school. I slowed down and tried to get eye contact, but she was looking away. She probably didn’t know who I was, but I knew her, everybody did. Should I head on home or circle and drive by her again or stop? I circled, which took a couple of miles of right turns and when I got back she was still there. It was now or never; I stopped and lowered the passenger window. ‘Do you want a lift?’ I shouted as nicely as possible. She came over.

‘Pardon?’ she said looking at me for any sign of recognition. Her big brown eyes ran over me without any excitement.

‘Would you like a lift. I’m going to Chivesea,’

‘Oh, um, I. I’m getting the bus, I’m getting a return, so it’s OK,’ she looked behind her at the road while I looked at the curves of her hour glass figure.

‘No worries, just thought I’d ask,’ I said feeling embarrassed.

She leant in the car, leaning her elbows on the door. ‘You’re...’ she rotated her hand in the air, her thick eyelashes fluttering.

‘Lindon,’ I said trying to smile.

‘Yeah, that’s it. You were...’

‘...in your class. Look, I’m coming back at six, I don’t mind bringing you back. I live in Chives,’

‘OK,’ she said and hopped in. We sat in silence for the first five minutes until she eventually said ‘This is a big car,’

‘It’s a Ford,’ I said looking at brown hair as she looked out the window at the low moorland. ‘Shall I drop you on the High Street?’

‘If that’s OK, thank you Lindon,’ she said mistily. We approached the outskirts of Chives and I filtered into the queueing traffic. We didn’t know what to say to each other.

‘Lin. People call me Lin or Lind,’ I said looking straight ahead at the tailgate of the big lorry in front. I pulled the car up and she slipped out without saying a word. She smiled, holding her wicker shopping bag.

I spent the afternoon tidying up and getting ready, I played my loud rock music and had a couple of beers. Mannie came around and we smoked a joint. I didn’t tell him about Jessica Jacobs. When I picked her up at six she had a lot of shopping bags. ‘I got you something,’ she said holding up an air freshener for the car. She put it around the central mirror.

‘Thanks Jess..ica, you didn’t have to do that. Does it smell in here? Sorry, if it does,’

‘No it doesn’t,’ she laughed. ‘It was the same money as the bus fare. I’d rather it went to someone like you than the bus company,’

At her big house I had a nice smooth coffee and we sat quietly in the long dining room. ‘Do you work?’

‘Insurance in the city,’ she said looking immediately stressed. ‘You,’

‘At Raines,’ I said. Raines was the biscuit factory on the edge of Chivesea.

‘Oh ha ha, free biscuits then,’

‘The job has its perks,’ I said, smiling. I saw she had an engagement ring on, it had a cluster of fashionably angled diamonds encrusted into the rich gold band. ‘Are you...getting married?’

She looked at the ring. ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ she said, looking agitated.

I got up ‘I’d better go. See you again,’

‘Maybe,’ she said coldly. When I picked up Shay she looked amazing, exactly how I imagined her. I lifted her short skirt to check her stocking tops. They were black and silky, high on her thighs. She wore a lot of make up and had re-done her hair (again) so it was full and curly. We drove the ten miles into the city and met friends for dinner. It was boring, Shay had a lot of men second looking her, some tried to chat to her and chase her up, including the restaurant owner and one or two with me standing right there, but they didn’t care. Half the way back I stopped the car in a lay-by. It was pitch black there until are eyes adjusted, then her blue eyes sparkled, her long blonde hair shone and we moved close together in the darkness. I pulled her to me and didn’t let go.


© 2019 Tertia


Author's Note

Tertia
In the next chapter Lindon and Shay go to the lakes and see outside the towns and city where they live.

My Review

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Reviews

read to me by my daughter... an interesting and enjoyable story so far...

Posted 3 Days Ago


Start off was getting cold....
flashback within a circle...
I like it get it going.......

Posted 5 Days Ago


The story starts out slow and tease-y. We don't know much about the three introduced characters, not even the narrator, except their names and the genders of two of them. Although most people would assume Lindon is male, you have not even revealed their gender yet. Their name doesn't seem to be masculine or feminine, or maybe I'm just not good with names.

I'm a little tired today from moving to my new dorm and unpacking, but I'll point out things like missing commas and technical mistakes (with the dialogue in the first paragraph being the only exception). I'm quite a nitpicker, so please bear with me.

1. I made some of the cheap chicory coffee and toast from the freezer and Shay and I sat in the gloom, looking at the rain and smoking.

- comma after "from the freezer"

2. She drank slowly, not wanting to go back to her parent’s house and I drank quickly wanting the afternoon to myself.

- comma after "her parent's house" or (stylistic) change "and" to "while"
- comma after "I drank quickly"
- question: did you mean "her parent's house" as in, her parent uses gender-neutral pronouns? Or did you mean "her parents' house" as in, she has two parents?

3. I’d had my way with her and was exhausted by it, she was good at pleasing me and knew what I wanted, but nevertheless I needed space now; I needed to get away from her.

- run-on sentence, the issue being with the comma after "exhausted by it"
- stylistic: "I'd had my way with her" renders "by it" unnecessary unless there's a special reason

4. Wear something nice tonight I said.

- comma after "...tonight"

5. OK, fully kitted out she said subserviently, smiling.

- comma after "...kitted out"

6. I drove her the five miles back to Niseden and we sat in the car and said good bye.

- comma after "...Niseden"
- good bye => goodbye or good-bye; either work

7. Her kiss was wet and passionate and I noticed she gripped the gear stick to balance herself towards me.

- comma after "...passionate"

8. She saw the look of amusement on my face at it and so played with it, watching my reactions.

- I'm not sure why Lindon was amused
- Actually, I'm not sure I understand what's happening here

9. She had a look of evil glee about her, it was devil like and incredibly erotic to watch.

- , => ;
- devil like => devil-like
- stylistic: with ^^that^^ being said, "evil glee" renders "devil-like" unnecessary

10. I drove up to the ring road and sped along it the long way around back home and there on the bus stop was the stunning beauty that was Jessica Jacobs who was in my class at school.

- comma after "...back home"
- the second half of the sentence feels a little too long and info-dumpy

11. She probably didn’t know who I was, but I knew her, everybody did.

- stylistic-ish: second comma => semi-colon

12. I circled, which took a couple of miles of right turns and when I got back she was still there.

- comma after "...right turns"

13. ‘Pardon?’ she said looking at me for any sign of recognition.

- comma after "she said"
- bug: the second half of the sentence sounds like Jessica wanted Lindon to notice her

14. ‘Would you like a lift. I’m going to Chivesea,’

- . => ? and , => .
- with ^^that^^ being said, is there a special reason you punctuated them this way?

15. ‘Oh, um, I. I’m getting the bus, I’m getting a return, so it’s OK,’

- if she's slightly stuttering, I suggest using a hyphen instead of a period between "I" and "I'm"
- ...bus, => ...bus;
- OK,' => OK.' unless there's a special reason

16. ‘No worries, just thought I’d ask,’ I said feeling embarrassed.

- comma after "I said"

17. She leant in the car, leaning her elbows on the door. ‘You’re...’ she rotated her hand in the air, her thick eyelashes fluttering.

- stylistic bug: you used the verb "to lean" quite closely together, but I could be the only person on earth that is bugged by that
- she => She

18. ‘Lindon,’ I said trying to smile.

- comma after "I said"

19. ‘...in your class. Look, I’m coming back at six, I don’t mind bringing you back. I live in Chives,’

- "at six," => "at six;" or "at six." (NAmE style quotation marks added to avoid confusion)
- Chives, => Chives. unless there's a special reason

20. We sat in silence for the first five minutes until she eventually said ‘This is a big car,’

- comma after "...eventually said"
- big car, => big car. unless there's a special reason

21. ‘If that’s OK, thank you Lindon,’ she said mistily.

- comma after "thank you"

22. I pulled the car up and she slipped out without saying a word.

- comma after "I pulled the car up"

23. I spent the afternoon tidying up and getting ready, I played my loud rock music and had a couple of beers.

- , => ;

24. Mannie came around and we smoked a joint.

- comma after "came around"

25. When I picked her up at six she had a lot of shopping bags.

- comma after "at six"

26. ‘Thanks Jess..ica, you didn’t have to do that. Does it smell in here? Sorry, if it does,’

- comma after "Thanks"
- first , => ; or .
- last , => . unless there's a special reason

27. ‘It was the same money as the bus fare. I’d rather it went to someone like you than the bus company,’

- , => . unless there's a special reason

28. At her big house I had a nice smooth coffee and we sat quietly in the long dining room.

- comma after "big house"
- comma after "smooth coffee"

29. ‘You,’

- , => ? unless there's a special reason

30. ‘Oh ha ha, free biscuits then,’

- comma after "Oh"
- comma after "free biscuits"
- , => . unless there's a special reason

31. I saw she had an engagement ring on, it had a cluster of fashionably angled diamonds encrusted into the rich gold band.

- , => ; or .

32. I got up ‘I’d better go. See you again,’

- period after "I got up"
- , => . unless there's a special reason

33. When I picked up Shay she looked amazing, exactly how I imagined her.

- comma after "Shay"

34. She wore a lot of make up and had re-done her hair (again) so it was full and curly.

- make up => makeup
- comma after "(again)"

35. It was boring, Shay had a lot of men second looking her, some tried to chat to her and chase her up, including the restaurant owner and one or two with me standing right there, but they didn’t care.

- run-on sentence; I suggest breaking them down or using different punctuation marks

36. Half the way back I stopped the car in a lay-by.

- comma after "back"

37. It was pitch black there until are eyes adjusted, then her blue eyes sparkled, her long blonde hair shone and we moved close together in the darkness.

- I think you meant, "...until our eyes adjusted"
- run-on sentence; like #35, I suggest breaking them down or using different punctuation marks
- comment: I sure hope her eyes and hair aren't literally sparkling and shining in the dark

-----------------

Other observations:

- Your writing style is interesting, specifically in the first paragraph where you did not separate dialogue. You also end some paragraphs with commas which I assume there is a special reason or it's British English. If so, please simply ignore my North American English suggestions and let me know so I can turn that radar off.

- I see that you use the word "and" quite a lot. It's not to the point that it's distracting, but I suggest reducing its usage to enhance the reading experience.

- I assume "forbidden" and "taboo" were tagged because the characters are monogamous. As a polyamorous person, I would simply tag "cheating," but that's just me.

---------------------

I know I just pointed out 37 things in your first chapter, but this seems to be the first draft of a promising romance story which is most likely the reason there were many things that could be improved. I hope my review will be constructive and helpful in your editing process. There's a reason we don't publish first drafts to the market. :)

You seem to be on the journey to finding your writing voice, and I think you're on the right track.

I don't usually do poetry, but I'll give your poem a read tomorrow (it's 2 am in Japan).

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Damn! This is good writing! Thanks for friend request so I could find you. I started out being skeptical, which I always am with new writers who tackle a book right off, when they aren't even polished enuf to tackle a short story. So I was looking for you to be unpolished, unworthy of writing a book . . . immediately I was critical of your first paragraph & the fact that you didn't separate out dialogue, with a new paragraph when a different person was speaking. (I saw that you knew this, later on). But after the first paragraph, I fell crazy in love with your writing, to the point where any picky flaws were invisible to me. This is some of the most authentic dialogue I've read in weeks. I love how you play with the push & pull of attraction & responses thru dialogue, always a little gamey & off-balance, as if the two are dancing & swiping swords at each other. I have to admit, this storyline does not present anything earth shatteringly different, so far. But your way of communicating is so fresh & startling & recognizable of true human nature, I'm hooked. If you post more chapters, feel free to read request me. (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


well i loved chapter one,will read the other two soon

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Great introduction written. I liked how you made the situation come alive and understandable to the reader. Thank you for sharing the amazing opening chapter.
Coyote

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


An impelling read with interesting possibilities... Nice detail and the tension of uncertainty...

Posted 3 Weeks Ago



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Added on September 24, 2019
Last Updated on September 27, 2019
Tags: relationships, romance, Habits, traits, behaviour, sin, forbidden, hidden, taboo, Character, friends, people, men, women, life, love, story, chapter, secret


Author

Tertia
Tertia

United Kingdom



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My new book Spring in the West includes poems between chapters. ‘Lindon takes every chance he can get, not thinking about the consequences, juggling with the outcomes later on’ more..

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