Chapter 7: The Deep Roads

Chapter 7: The Deep Roads

A Chapter by StarNinja
"

There's strange things down in those Deep Roads. Stranger things than any man has ever seen.

"

Qu-ni offered the boys two wobbly things that might have been chairs once. They sat cautiously, testing them before putting their full weight down. When they were settled, Qu-ni sat himself down on the cool metal floor, brushing some lint off his robe.

“You know, I have studied many things, researched much on this barren wasteland of a world. Do you know what I have found most perplexing? How there never seems to be a comfortable place to sit,” he mused.

“Tell me about the others,” Omar demanded.

“Patience, Keeper. I have much to tell. Perhaps the best way to tell it would be in the form of a story. Let me see. It was about one day ago. I was here in the ruin surveying as I usually did. As a member of the Far Clan I always have my instruments attuned to the aethersphere and its undulations and so it was an easy matter to detect the enormous fluctuations that occurred.”

“When you say aethersphere, are you talking about the expanse between the spheres? The sub-reality that binds the spheres together?” Omar asked.

“Yes that is right. Our word for it is aethersphere,” said Qu-ni.

“I see,” said Omar.

“Just so you guys know, I have no idea what either of you are saying,” said Phillip.

“The fluctuations were well beyond what my people consider normal,” Qu-ni continued. “Well beyond what I thought was even possible for a single warp. I came to the conclusion that multiple warps had occurred all within a short period of time. When I checked my instruments later I found my hypothesis to be correct. Multiple warps had indeed occurred.”

“Were you able to see any of the warpers for yourself?” Omar asked.

“Why yes. I see two of them right now,” said Qu-ni.

“Any of the other ones,” Omar said, losing patience.

“No, not for myself. My eye in the sky on the other hand was able to relay certain images to me which I have had little time to analyze. So far, all I’ve managed to deduce is that scattered over a wide area, ten individual warps took place,” said Qu-ni.

“Ten? That is almost as many people as were on my team,” said Omar.

“You mean when you were doing your top secret warp?” asked Phillip.

“I’m not alone. The others are here too,” said Omar, his voice filling with hope.

“These others are your friends?” asked Qu-ni.

“They have to be. It’s the only thing that makes sense,” said Omar.

“Ah, but there is one problem with that,” said Qu-ni.

“What?” asked Omar.

“The warp signatures that came from each of these warp points are different. Meaning that whatever emerged from them came from different dimensions than you,” said Qu-ni.

“So, none of my teammates ended up here? Just me?” asked Omar.

“Unless your friends hail from separate dimensions, it would seem so,” said Qu-ni.

“Just me. I was the only one,” Omar said, sounding very sad.

“Where are they from then?” Phillip asked.

“Many diverse planes. Most I have never been to. Another thing I noticed was the haphazardness of the warp locations. There is no pattern, which led me to believe that none of the warps were deliberate. Of course such a thing is unheard of. I do not know what to make of it,” said Qu-ni.

“Could I take a look at the data?” Omar asked.

“Of course,” said Qu-ni.

A little port opened on the side of Qu-ni’s helmet and several images were projected in the air. They appeared to be satellite images. Finally something Phillip was familiar with. The largest image was of a huge region, at least to Phillip’s reckoning. The others appeared to be close ups of that image.

“What is that in the middle?” Omar asked. Phillip took a closer look and noticed it too. Whereas the rest of the image was the red and orange terrain of the planet’s surface along with hills and valleys, in the center was a geometric shape colored grey like stone.

“That?” Qu-ni asked.

“Yes, that grey shape right there,” said Omar.

“That is the Tower,” Qu-ni replied.

“Why do half of the warp points end here and the other half in random spots around it?” Omar asked.

“Like I said, I do not know what to make of it,” said Qu-ni.

“How big is the Tower?” Phillip asked.

“It is very tall. It reaches into the heavens. It was constructed from artificial materials and this is what gives it its structural strength,” said Qu-ni.

“Who could have built such a structure?” Omar asked.

“Keepers, of course,” said Qu-ni.

“If that is the Tower, then… let me see,” Omar said as he fiddled with his glove.

“What’s the matter?” Phillip asked.

“Hold on. Give me a mini. Got it.” Omar held his glove up and projected an image on top of the projection. A series of lines connected the different warp points on the map together. “Would you look at that? The Tower is the epicenter of all the warp activity.”

“What does that mean?” asked Phillip.

“You know as much as I,” said Qu-ni. “The Guardian concerns himself with planetary matters, not the aethersphere.”

“Does this Guardian guy have something to do with us warping here? He has to, right?” Phillip asked.

“I don’t know. No matter what way you look at it, that Tower is definitely our next destination,” said Omar.

“It’s a good thing we were already heading there,” said Phillip.

“Yes, but now we know what we’re looking for,” said Omar.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?” Phillip asked.

“Answers,” said Omar, dramatically.

“Way to be vague,” said Phillip.

“If you intend to reach the Tower, you had best avoid the surface,” said Qu-ni.

“How do we do that?” asked Phillip.

“You must use the Deep Roads. They will lead you to the Tower’s substructure. You will be safe from Groneen down there,” said Qu-ni.

“That is good,” said Omar.

“But be warned! Other things live in those dark, damp tunnels. Nasty things. Hungry things,” Qu-ni said ominously.

“Then why would you tell us to go down there?” Phillip asked.

“Possible death is preferable to certain death, yes?” Qu-ni said.

“Death is still death!” said Phillip.

“We would be minimizing the odds of getting spotted if we went underground,” Omar reasoned.

“Cool hey here’s a question. Why do we want to go this Tower at all? If the reason we’re here has something to do with the Tower, then maybe we should stay way the heck away from it. What if this Guardian kidnaps kids and tortures them or something? Or eats them?” Phillip asked.

“You have nothing to fear from the Guardian. He is very wise and can most certainly help you with your problem,” said Qu-ni.

“This could be a trap for all we know,” said Phillip.

“Trap?” Qu-ni asked.

“You heard me! Maybe the reason there’s no more people on this planet is because they all got eaten, and maybe the ‘tower’ is where they all went to get processed into food!” Phillip said, pointing an accusing finger at Qu-ni.

“What an imagination! The records did not lie when they spoke of the Keeper’s ability to cognate outside the sphere. I must record this finding,” said Qu-ni.

“So you don’t deny it? See, what did I tell you?” said Phillip.

“Oh, but I do deny it,” said Qu-ni, suddenly very serious. “The Guardian of the World is no monster that gluts on the inhabitants of this planet. He is a protector. I have a feeling that you want to see him. You need to see him. Only he can help you with your problem,” said Qu-ni.

“What do you mean?” asked Omar, cautiously.

“He controls the ways. He is the key, and without the key the door cannot be opened.”

“What door?” asked Phillip.

“The door home. You do wish to return home, don’t you?” Qu-ni asked.

“But you said he didn’t concern himself with the aethersphere,” said Omar.

“Yes, but that does not mean he is incapable of using it. The Tower itself is an instrument of great power. If there is a chance you can return home, I am sure he would be able to help you,” said Qu-ni.

“Can we really go home?” Phillip asked suddenly.

“Phillip,” Omar began to say.

“Can we?” Phillip asked.

“You might. But even if he couldn’t get you home, he would know some way to go about it. He is very wise. Very smart. Why, I might venture to say he has traveled almost as far as I have,” said Qu-ni.

“Take us to him,” said Phillip.

“Wait, weren’t you the one who said this might be a trap just a mini ago?” asked Omar.

“It’s worth a shot, isn’t it? If it means getting home, we have to try,” said Phillip.

“Yes but…”

“No buts, Omar. This is what we promised each other. Don’t you remember? I was Kamen-coleslaw?” asked Phillip.

“It’s Kamensah,” said Omar.

“Right, that. You have to help me here,” said Phillip. Omar pulled him aside.

“He might just be playing to our weaknesses. This could still be a trap. Don’t you think all of this is too convenient?” asked Omar.

“Convenient how? This has been the most inconvenient trip I’ve ever been on,” said Phillip.

“If you are having trouble deciding your next course of action, I completely understand,” said Qu-ni. “This is not a decision to be taken lightly, however I must point out that the Guardian may be the last remaining Keeper on this world and the Tower its last safe haven for your kind.”

“Would you be able to lead us to the Tower?” Omar asked with a sigh.

“Me? No, I have no business there, and besides my work is here. What I can do is show you the way. No charge.”

“Tell me again why you are being so generous? What do you gain by helping us?” asked Omar.

“I help because you are Keepers. I suppose you could call me an admirer of your kind. Nothing more,” said Qu-ni. Omar was torn about what to do, but Phillip had no doubt whatsoever.

“Come on, Omar. We don’t have any other leads. This is our only shot,” Phillip whispered.

“I don’t trust this alien. There’s something he’s not telling us,” said Omar.

“We don’t have a choice. That signal was the only thing we had to go on anyway,” said Phillip.

“Why do I feel like we’re making a mistake?” Omar asked.

“Probably because we are,” said Phillip.

“And you’re okay with this?” asked Omar.

“Of course not! I’m not anymore okay with this than you are, but this is all we’ve got. You said you would do everything you could to get us home, remember?” Phillip asked.

“I did,” said Omar.

“Well, come on then.” Phillip turned to Qu-ni. “Okay, show us where to go.”

“Of course. Follow me,” said Qu-ni. He hobbled over to the center of the room. “There should be an access hatch here somewhere. Ah, here it is.” He depressed one part of the floor with a long slender finger. The floor opened with a hiss and a grinding sound, revealing the hatch. Phillip stepped toward it but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

“What?” Phillip asked.

“We were supposed to look for supplies. That was our original purpose here,” Omar said.

“Supplies and intel and we have the intel. Besides we’re not going to find any food in this place, right Qu-ni?” asked Phillip.

“I have my own limited supply but there is nothing left here. This place has been abandoned for thousands of years,” said Qu-ni.

“See?” said Phillip. Omar narrowed his eyes.

“Didn’t you get a look at the map? It is a long way to the tower from here. We need to restock,” he said.

“We’ll look for supplies in the tunnels. Come on, man,” said Phillip.

“I’m the cadet major here. I think my decisions take a little precedence over yours,” said Omar.

“So what? You’re not the boss of me,” said Phillip.

“Not technically, no,” said Omar hesitantly.

“Exactly. We’re together on this. Partners, right? And partners don’t tell each other what to do, right?” Phillip asked. Omar didn’t say anything at first.

“For now,” was his reply. Phillip wasn’t sure what to make of that.

“Are we leaving now?” asked Qu-ni.

“Yeah. The sooner the better,” said Phillip.

Qu-ni descended the ladder first. Then Omar and Phillip. It was a very long way down, longer than Phillip had first anticipated. It also didn’t help that they were climbing down at an angle. There were several times when Phillip looked below and nearly froze, but with Omar above him he had no choice but to keep going. The ladder ended in a small room barely big enough to hold all three of them. There was a broken control panel on one wall but that was it. Qu-ni pushed against the control panel and it fell backward, revealing a hole in the metal and a tunnel carved through stone beyond it. Qu-ni activated the glow of his helmet and led them into the tunnel.

“This tunnel looks odd,” said Omar.

“Odd how?” asked Phillip.

“It’s smooth. Like something made it by burrowing,” said Omar.

“Something burrowed through dirt and rock and metal? And it’s that freaking big?” Phillip asked.

“It is quite safe, Keeper. Follow me,” said Qu-ni.

The tunnel led to a much larger tunnel. Much larger. Omar estimated that an entire city could easily fit in this tunnel. Small patches of alien fungus illuminated the ceilings and walls in regular intervals as far as the eye could see. It was dark, damp and musty but it was also cooler than the surface.

“What is this place?” Phillip asked.

“Welcome to the Deep Roads,” Qu-ni said, spreading his arms dramatically.

“This place is huge! Did something burrow through here too?” Phillip asked.

“It is a natural formation that has been added to for eons by the inhabitants of this world, including Keepers. Most of the Keeper ruins down here are extremely difficult to get to, lost and buried by neglect and the ages,” said Qu-ni.

“Amazing. I would love to take a geological survey of this area,” said Omar.

“What is with you being interested in the most boring things?” asked Phillip.

“Alien Geology is anything but boring, Phillip,” said Omar.

“Onwards, Keepers. The way is over here. Watch your step,” said Qu-ni.

The alien followed a path away from the cave wall where they had emerged and down into the center of the Deep Roads where it was most flat. It took almost an hour just to reach flat ground, which made Phillip truly appreciate the scale of this place.

“Jeez, so much walking,” said Phillip on one of his many breaks.

“You two have very different constitutions. Why is that?” asked Qu-ni.

“I am trained. He is not,” said Omar.

“I train sometimes. Like in the summer,” said Phillip, sounding embarrassed.

“I see. Fascinating,” said Qu-ni.

They continued down the road; and it was a road, wide and flat and smooth compared to the rest of the cave. Every once in a while Omar would stop and scan something with his glove, which Phillip didn’t mind because it gave him a chance to rest. After a while, they reached a fork in the road. Qu-ni looked left, then right. He pulled out a small metal hexagon that had been concealed within his robes.

“What is that?” Phillip asked.

“A map of the Deep Roads. It will guide you the rest of the way to the Tower,” said Qu-ni. The hexagon opened and revealed a small viewing screen on its surface. Qu-ni offered it and Omar accepted.

“This… this is the Deep Roads? All of this?” Omar asked, a look of amazement on his face.

“The Deep Roads are a vast network of tunnels built long ago into the natural cave systems of this region. Easy to get lost in. Follow the map closely and you will find your way,” said Qu-ni.

“You’re not going to lead us anymore?” Phillip asked.

“I said I would show you the way and I have. If you follow this path it will take you all the way to the Tower,” said Qu-ni.

 “You’ve been very helpful,” said Omar flatly.

“Yeah, thank you,” said Phillip.

“Of course. It was an honor interacting with you, Keepers. It is my sincere hope that we cross paths again,” said Qu-ni as he backed away from them.

“Take care,” said Omar.

“See ya,” said Phillip.

“One last thing. Go right,” said Qu-ni. Phillip and Omar looked down the right path. It squiggled into the dark distance disappearing from sight around a bend miles away.

“Thanks again…” Phillip started to say, but stopped when he realized Qu-ni had vanished. “Where did he…”

“Doesn’t matter. We have our goal,” said Omar.

“Right. So how long until we reach the Tower?” asked Phillip.

“If we continue at our previous pace, seven days,” said Omar.

“What? Oh come on!” Phillip shouted. He heard his voice echo back at him in slowly lengthening intervals until it was quiet again.

“You may want to refrain from doing that. We don’t want to attract any attention to ourselves,” said Omar.

“Sorry. It’s just so far. You did say seven right?” Phillip asked.

“Yes,” said Omar.

“Grrr! So much walking. How are we going to do this?” Phillip wondered out loud.

“By putting one foot in front of the other. Come,” said Omar heading down the right path. And walked they did.

After walking for what seemed like ages, Phillip started to feel his body resist his mental commands. He wanted to keep walking so that he could get that much closer to getting out of there, but his feet screamed at him to rest.

“So tired,” said Phillip.

“I know,” said Omar.

“This rifle is getting heavy,” said Phillip.

“Would you like me to carry it?” Omar asked.

“Uh, no. That’s fine. I just feel like complaining,” said Phillip.

“People from your world complain recreationally?” Omar asked.

“Maybe. I guess. It depends on how bored or tired we get,” said Phillip.

“Interesting,” said Omar.

“Let me guess, that sounds highly illogical and a waste of energy, right?” Phillip asked derisively.

“Actually I was going to say it sounds like an efficient way to discharge negative emotion,” said Omar.

“Really?” Phillip asked.

“Yes. By vocalizing your thoughts you make them more manageable. If a group of people were to recreationally complain together not only could it create a bonding scenario, it would universally decrease tension by exposing sources of shared annoyance and malady,” said Omar.

“I never thought about it that way. My parents always tell me to quit complaining and be grateful about what I have,” said Phillip.

“Elders are like that. My parents instructed me in all the proper and socially acceptable ways to discharge negative emotion and almost all of them involve ingratiating myself with my privileged circumstances,” said Omar.

“Yeah? Like what?” Phillip asked.

“Well, there is the gratitude dance,” said Omar.

“The what?” Phillip asked, almost laughing.

“It is a dance that shows gratitude,” said Omar.

“Oh my gosh you have to show me,” said Phillip.

“Do we have the time for that?” Omar asked.

“We always have time for the gratitude dance,” said Phillip, barely able to contain his chuckling.

“Okay,” said Omar. He ran a few steps ahead of Phillip and turned to face his audience. “Proper gratitude is best expressed with the body. The more grateful you are, the more your body must express it. Observe.”

Omar struck a defensive pose, low to the ground and arms up. Then with a quick twirl and a hop from one foot to the next, Omar showed his gratitude and danced. Phillip laughed, mockingly at first, but then a strange feeling came over him. He started laughing and laughing and couldn’t stop. It was a happy laugh, right from the belly. Omar’s graceful moves became grander and more stunning, covering wider ground which made Phillip laugh even harder. Finally, Omar ended his dance with a leap straight up, spinning several times in the air, and hitting the perfect landing.

“Oh my God!” Phillip said, still laughing.

“Gratitude!” Omar said.

“That was amazing. I don’t even… Ha! I can’t stop,” Phillip said between laughs and giggles.

“I see my dance has brought you great joy,” said Omar.

“What the hell? Why can’t I stop? Ha ha! It’s too much! Ow,” Phillip said hunched over and holding his side.

“Are you okay?” Omar asked.

“That was the gayest coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Phillip.

“Gaiety is the point,” said Omar.

“Hahahahaha! Oh my God, you’re killing me!” Phillip said, falling to the ground and laughing some more.

“What did I do?” Omar asked, starting to laugh himself.

“I don’t… I don’t… can’t breathe! Hahaha!” said Phillip.

“You could pull a muscle that way. Why don’t you…” A red light flashed on Omar’s glove, followed by a blipping sound. “Oh no.”

“What?” asked Phillip, still recovering from his laughter. “What is it?”

“Something is coming. A lot of somethings. We have to go,” said Omar.

“What?” asked Phillip.

“Run!”

Omar grabbed Phillip’s arm, lifted him from the ground in one go and started pulling him down the road.

“Wait! I have to catch my breath,” said Phillip.

Then he heard it. A sound like a million claws skittering like a waterfall down the sides of the cave walls.

“You have to move faster, Phillip!” said Omar.

“I can’t! Too tired!” Phillip screamed back. And then the screeching started, high pitched and growing in intensity with each passing second.

“Phillip! You’re going to die if you don’t run faster!” Omar shouted.

“I can’t! I can’t!” Phillip said, starting to wheeze. The sounds were all around. To the sides, from behind, they were closing in.

“Oh for Religion’s sake,” said Omar. He picked Phillip up and started carrying him down a path away from the main road. They started speeding up and Phillip felt an energy coming from Omar that seemed to make everything feel lighter.

“Omar what are you…”

“I don’t have much charge left. I’ll keep this up for as long as I can but after that we have to find someplace to hide,” said Omar.

“But where?”

“There’s a structure up ahead that leads further underground,” said Omar. He was breathing heavily now.

“Okay but… Ah!” Phillip screamed.

“Stay calm,” said Omar, jumping over stalagmites and other cave formations as he took a short cut.

“I see them! Oh God don’t stop running,” said Phillip holding on for dear life.

The creatures defied description. His mind was only able to process teeth, claws, bristles, pale skin riddled with veins and they were getting closer.

“Hold on!” Omar yelled, and he leapt. Phillip saw one of the alien creatures leap after them. Time seemed to pass by like molasses. Big heaving gobs of it. Phillip wanted to scream but it caught in his throat when they suddenly went through a door and once again Phillip found himself falling through the darkness.



© 2021 StarNinja


Author's Note

StarNinja
Same as before. Read, review, and tell me what you think. Be honest or I'll hurt you!

My Review

Would you like to review this Chapter?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Filter words are words that remind the reader that they are reading as opposed to experiencing the story first hand. examples: feel. heard, realized, wondered, thought. I have extracted some filter words below in exchange for alternatives that you might be interested in.

"Phillip wondered how he was thinking so clearly. Had he finally gotten used to waking up in strange places with imminent danger just around the corner?"
*Alternative: Normally, in such situations, Phillip's mind would be fogged by panic and the urge to cry. Had he finally gotten used to waking up in strange places with imminent danger just around the corner?

The thought kept echoing in his head, try as he might to dispel it. This could be the end.
*Alternative: This is it. This could be the end. It's over. He was doomed. Doomed. Doomed.

Still Phillip thought he could hear things in the shadows all around him.
*Alternative: What was that sound? Something scuttled and shuffled in the shadows all around him.

Suddenly, Phillip could see a light up ahead.
*Alternative: Light twinkled/flashed/streamed up ahead.
Or: Up ahead, another doorway was glowing with more bioluminescent fungi.

If he’d felt helpless before, he definitely felt helpless now without the space cadet.
*Alternative: Could he be any more useless in the absence the cadet?
Or: Could he do anything at all without the space cadet? Not likely.

He quickly walked back to where he’d left Omar. To his horror, Omar was gone. He ran to the spot he was sure Omar had been laying.
*Alternative: He rushed back to where he'd left Omar. (avoid adverbs if possible, they weaken the verbs.)

Phillip could see that this creature resembled of all things a bat. With its huge ears and its long bendy arms it definitely could have passed for one on Earth.
*Alternative: With its huge ears and long bendy arms, it definitely could have passed for a bat on Earth.

Phillip felt his adrenaline spiking.
*Alternative: Philip's blood shot like bullets in his veins. ( or something like that...)

Then he heard another sound. The sound of a thousand creatures hissing.
Alternative: There was hissing. A thousand creatures hissed.

Then he saw the bat alien he’d been chasing. It had a hole in its face thanks to Phillip, but it was still up and going. It cautiously approached the throne and dropped Omar like an offering at the feet of the giant alien sitting on the throne.
*Alternative: The bat alien he had been chasing, with a hole in its face thanks to Phillip, cautiously approached the throne and dropped Omar like an offering at the feet of the giant alien sitting on the throne.

He couldn’t leave Omar to a fate like that. Omar certainly wouldn’t leave Phillip. At least, he hoped Omar wouldn’t.

Comment: This was heart-warming. :)

Phillip suddenly felt outside of himself, like waking up right before falling asleep. He stepped closer to the threat. But it wasn’t a threat he was looking at. Something was wrong. He stepped even closer. Finally his nerves calmed down enough and he was able to see what had stopped him before. He screamed.

Comment: Amazing description and clever gradual reveal of the scene!! I genuinely enjoyed it.

See you in the next chapter.

Never stop writing!
~Aysha

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

StarNinja

5 Months Ago

Your alternatives really get my gears turning. Now that I've had an opportunity to closely read all .. read more



Reviews

Filter words are words that remind the reader that they are reading as opposed to experiencing the story first hand. examples: feel. heard, realized, wondered, thought. I have extracted some filter words below in exchange for alternatives that you might be interested in.

"Phillip wondered how he was thinking so clearly. Had he finally gotten used to waking up in strange places with imminent danger just around the corner?"
*Alternative: Normally, in such situations, Phillip's mind would be fogged by panic and the urge to cry. Had he finally gotten used to waking up in strange places with imminent danger just around the corner?

The thought kept echoing in his head, try as he might to dispel it. This could be the end.
*Alternative: This is it. This could be the end. It's over. He was doomed. Doomed. Doomed.

Still Phillip thought he could hear things in the shadows all around him.
*Alternative: What was that sound? Something scuttled and shuffled in the shadows all around him.

Suddenly, Phillip could see a light up ahead.
*Alternative: Light twinkled/flashed/streamed up ahead.
Or: Up ahead, another doorway was glowing with more bioluminescent fungi.

If he’d felt helpless before, he definitely felt helpless now without the space cadet.
*Alternative: Could he be any more useless in the absence the cadet?
Or: Could he do anything at all without the space cadet? Not likely.

He quickly walked back to where he’d left Omar. To his horror, Omar was gone. He ran to the spot he was sure Omar had been laying.
*Alternative: He rushed back to where he'd left Omar. (avoid adverbs if possible, they weaken the verbs.)

Phillip could see that this creature resembled of all things a bat. With its huge ears and its long bendy arms it definitely could have passed for one on Earth.
*Alternative: With its huge ears and long bendy arms, it definitely could have passed for a bat on Earth.

Phillip felt his adrenaline spiking.
*Alternative: Philip's blood shot like bullets in his veins. ( or something like that...)

Then he heard another sound. The sound of a thousand creatures hissing.
Alternative: There was hissing. A thousand creatures hissed.

Then he saw the bat alien he’d been chasing. It had a hole in its face thanks to Phillip, but it was still up and going. It cautiously approached the throne and dropped Omar like an offering at the feet of the giant alien sitting on the throne.
*Alternative: The bat alien he had been chasing, with a hole in its face thanks to Phillip, cautiously approached the throne and dropped Omar like an offering at the feet of the giant alien sitting on the throne.

He couldn’t leave Omar to a fate like that. Omar certainly wouldn’t leave Phillip. At least, he hoped Omar wouldn’t.

Comment: This was heart-warming. :)

Phillip suddenly felt outside of himself, like waking up right before falling asleep. He stepped closer to the threat. But it wasn’t a threat he was looking at. Something was wrong. He stepped even closer. Finally his nerves calmed down enough and he was able to see what had stopped him before. He screamed.

Comment: Amazing description and clever gradual reveal of the scene!! I genuinely enjoyed it.

See you in the next chapter.

Never stop writing!
~Aysha

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

StarNinja

5 Months Ago

Your alternatives really get my gears turning. Now that I've had an opportunity to closely read all .. read more
We're back to the young boys again, and the first few things I noticed were: 1) Where the f**k was Omar? 2) Phillip was ALONE again. It's nice to see the few rigid bumps of the flow of events in the previous chapter clearly avoided and smoothed in this chapter. You have observed your lead character's skin and you carefully wore it on yours and walked in it through the dark, leading us to where Phillip did not wish to be, unless he wanted to see his friend and protector again. I literally heard my heart stop at the sight of that horrid creature guarding Omar with his claws and teeth..I would have killed you if you killed him! I started to internally pray that they would just find a way out of this underground hell.

The chase was a page-turner, and just being with Phillip and his shaking hands that held the rifle was stressful. I was very confused by the mid-last bits during the climb to reach the sword, but that confusion was not bad because it made me want to know more.

The crybaby from earlier who just wanted to curl behind a giant rock and disappear or go back home was now darting between growls and bat wings with rare courage, and he even commanded alien beasts to devour one another. The changes in Phillip were surprising and the out-of-character reaction of Omar later made perfect sense. I loved how bad Phillip wanted that robot-narrator in the rifle to shut up and how that voice totally blew his cover.

You must have obviously noticed earlier that I suggest improvements and praise bits that are just right or well-conveyed concerning the plot progression and the overall power of the story to keep the reader attracted, but I almost never review grammar mistakes, because I'm not very proud of my own. Hahaha. But so, what if Phillip is a little over-weight? I would still make him look charming, if I were you, and use words like: round, or fleshy instead of 'fat and juicy'. After all he's our hero.

I really enjoyed the way you portrayed the monster king's struggle to imitate the human desire to obtain power and make their subjects bow and submit in fear and respect. I like stories that surround animals or beasts because they resemble and reflect us in many ways more than we can imagine.

“No, Keeper. Do not pull it out. Mind will be lost. You will die. All will die,” said the king.

The king's words say ALOT not just about the predictions of where the story might go, but also about the current condition of our societies and world of mad politicians.

I'm glad Omar was safe, and although Phillip received more than just a cut or two in his leg, he was also alive with newly obtained knowledge and massive confusion. Who appeared at the very end? And why did Phillip scream? I want to find out what becomes of the two boys. Thank you for sharing this chapter, Dan, and keep writing. See you on the next page!

-Rain.



Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

StarNinja

7 Years Ago

Thanks for the review, Rain. I hope you had a good New Year. Yes this chapter was all over the place.. read more
"Omar didn’t seem too fazed." - I think it should be 'phased', but I'm not sure.

"This isn’t the Temple of Doom!" - This is alright, but watch the referencing.



Posted 9 Years Ago



Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

383 Views
5 Reviews
Rating
Added on March 26, 2011
Last Updated on May 27, 2021
Tags: Omar, 80s, fantasy, alien, cave, fight, project, Phillip, warp


Author

StarNinja
StarNinja

WA



About
I like lots of things. One of them is air. Another is writing. So... let's get right down to it! more..

Writing
Stufff Stufff

A Story by StarNinja