The Autobiography of Rach

The Autobiography of Rach

A Story by Radrach23

All About Rach

 

            Before you read this, there are a few things I must say. I am no longer defined by most of the things that happened to me. Some things you have little or no control over. Others it’s all up to you. I am not the same person I used to be. The Rachel you see here is the old Rachel, who died a long time ago so please don’t judge me by what you read.

 

            Life started out very well for me. I was living with my parents and a dog. We were looking for a new house, and “temporarily” moved in with my grandparents. That move turned out to be not so temporary. We actually still live there today! We were looking for a house and my pap got very sick. So we decided it would be best to stay there and help him and my Gramma to stay well and to help with the everyday treatment Pap needed.

 

I remember this next part like it was yesterday. I sat both of my parents down and with a straight face looked at them and said “Mommy and Daddy, I want a brother and a sister.” They continued to tell me I could only have one or the other, but I insisted. I would pray every night that I wanted a brother and a sister. My parents thought this was very cute. About 2 months later, I went around telling everyone my mom was pregnant. She laughed it off and about 2 or so weeks after that, she found out that she actually was! So now I have a twin brother and sister named James and Sarah.

 

Next big event in my life, I started kindergarten. I remember not that much other than it was fun. I rode the bus with a bunch of high schoolers and they made fun of me. The laughed at me for singing, they’d try to talk to me and laugh at whatever I said. They also would pretend to be friendly then go back to the back of the bus and laugh at me some more. I remember in 2nd grade this girl was being rude, and then she stole my backpack. I went to the back of the bus, ripped my book bag off of her, and repeatedly smacked her over the head with it. The bus driver had to stop the bus and pull me off of her. It was serious at the time but now me and my family joke about it. Sometimes, they will say something about it. That was my time spent at Wilson Christian Academy.

 

In third grade, I switched to East Allegheny. I was the nice, new girl who was kind to everyone, even the kids no one else liked. That changed all too quickly. That nice, sweet girl had few friends and wanted to fit in. She did everything she could to fit in, and failed at it multiple times. Then she started being teased. That would never stop her entire time at East Allegheny. About this time is the time I learned about a thing called cutting, but I will get into that later. By the time 4th grade rolled around, I became a hard hearted person. I started getting in trouble in and out of school. I started getting into fights and constantly having to stand up for what she believed in. I wouldn’t believe in much in time though.


 (edit//)I finally feel like I can be honest about how the self injury started now, even though it's been years since I have. I've finally come to terms with it and am realizing that I need to move on with my life. Anyways, I actually started self injuring based on a friend's comment. Her parents were going through a divorce, and she said that it made her feel better. Desperate to start trying to feel better from the chaos in my head, I decided to try it. My bedroom had a bunch of sewing supplies in it, so I took a fabric cutting knife and started to do it that way. The addiction just kept getting worse and worse and eventually spiraled out of control.(//end edit)

 

Depression is an ugly thing. It makes you not want people, not want to love, or to be loved. It can destroy a person and a family and I’ve been there, done that. When I was introduced to cutting, it definitely added to my depression. Depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, but my diagnosis is actually bipolar type 2. Bipolar is when you get manic, and depressed. These mood swings can last a few minutes, or weeks at a time. Manic is when you get really elated, dare-devilish, and hyper everything; hyperactive, talking too fast, and hypersexual. The depression is just as horrible. Often if you can’t get bipolar under control, it can lead to suicide attempts, cutting, and drug and/or alcohol abuse and that’s where bipolar took me. I don’t remember much about the days that I attempted suicide, but I know they were set off by stupid things that escalated. Then I found myself at the window ready to jump. One of the times I was sent to the doctor, who sent me to Western Psychiatric Institute and Clinic. I was in there for 10 days, diagnosed with Anxiety/Depression, and was put on meds for it. I did not attempt suicide for another year. The cutting didn’t stop though; it only got worse with time.

 

In about 7th grade, I was put on medication for ADD/ADHD which at first worked. Well let’s just say it made me have auditory and visual hallucinations of creatures that I used to draw, and this big guy that looked like he was a zombie from a video game holding a gun. The gun guy would tell me my life was worthless and that I should kill myself or he’d kill me. So he caused me to start attempting suicide through cutting this time, not by jumping out of a window.

 

Middle School is not something anyone looks forward to. Changes in social life, physical life, and the overall atmosphere make it a very difficult time. I was normal for once in my life and was not looking forward to it either. It happened to be the time frame in which I got in the most trouble, most fights, hated the most people, was teased the worst, and hated life the most.  Middle School was ok, academic wise at least. As far as disciplinary, social, and emotional wise, not so good. I almost got kicked out of school for something I didn’t do, got jumped a lot that we got in trouble for, and a lot of undocumented fights, got suspended and detention a lot, and talked a lot of s**t.

 

As I said before, I had a problem with cutting, and up until this very day, I still do. In 2008, I was sick of life, so I decided to go on the class trip, hoping that I would forget about my woes and focus on fun. Before I went on the trip, I told my roommates and friends that were going on the trip, that I had been cutting and that I may very well do it again. They freaked. I also learned that one of my roommates used to cut and one of my friends still sometimes did. Well the only night that we stayed over was a nightmare. I got really strung out on red bull and was up all night doing a bunch of fun crap. Then, the need arose to cut. I was extremely hyper, and another reason that I cut was emotion regulation. I took a pop can, ripped it, and went into the bathroom. They actually went to bed, so I thought. When I came out, I had my brand new black hoodie on. A few minutes later, my bed buddy smelled blood. They saw a big red spot on the white sheets where my arm was. They ripped my hoodie off of me and saw the cuts. It was a suicide attempt as well as emotion regulation, so they were very deep. 2 out of the 3 girls I was rooming with said that we should get a teacher. I begged and pleaded, but they wouldn’t listen to me. They called in the teachers, and they called my parents. When I got home, my counselor was there and she said if I do it again, I was going back to Western Psych. Well, I went to the doctors that Monday and I had done it, but denied it. My mom saw them and the doctor sent me out in an ambulance to Western Psych.

 

This time around at Western Psych was one of the worst experiences in my life. I was threatened that these girls would kill me. I was trying to yet again fend for my life, against other people this time, not against myself. I was tortured, chased, and teased beyond my wildest imaginations. I was released with them taking me off of the meds that caused me to hallucinate. The day I got out, I cut again. My mom found out about a week later, which scared me. She said that I had to go back to Western Psych, but I honestly didn’t want to. I sat in the bathroom for over a half hour cutting, trying to yet again, to die. I came out and she called the police. I ran away, in my pajamas and barefoot, but none the less I ran away. The police found me. They cuffed me and put me in a police car. I kicked out the window, trying to escape but they pulled over too quickly and caught me.  They, with much protest from me, got me into an ambulance, still cuffed. The rest of that night, I honestly don’t want to get into these painful details. I don’t want you to think of me as a lesser person for the low things I did that night. Well, that stay at Western Psych was the worst experience of my life, by far. I was raped by some guy in the seclusion room. I don’t remember the details and I didn’t say anything until recently. After that I was sent to an Overnight Partial Hospitalization Program. 


I started high school, with therapists and stuff. I had a roller coaster of ups and downs as far as treatment.

 

In 2010, I finally accepted the fact that I was bisexual. That February, I got the most amazing girlfriend that anyone could ask for. We were on again, off again, and I was no where near ready to have the kind of relationship that I wanted with her, I wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but things don't always work out, do they. We broke up officially and the next day my grandfather that I lived with died while on vacation in Florida. I still have such strong feelings for her, but life moves on, and so should we, right? The cutting became more frequent, and I became suicidal again. As the days went on, the cutting got worse and it got to the point that I was attempting suicide about every other day. Sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll sort of became a pastime for me. I would skip school to go get high. I would steal alcohol from my parents' liquor cabinet and take it to school in water bottles. Drinking and drugs were my second favorite coping mechanism, my favorite being the blade. The blade had a strange way of comforting me every time I ran to it. The emotional pain I felt suddenly became tangible and it made it easier to deal. On December 8th 2010, I said that I had enough. Everyone around me was completely oblivious to the chaos going on inside of me. I went home and told my parents that I had been cutting and was suicidal. That night I went voluntarily into Western Psych for the fourth time. This is when they realized that it was not depression that was ruining my life, it was Bipolar II. While I was in there, I met some really cool people, staff that changed my life, and got my act together. I was in Western for 2 months, went to placement for a month and a half, and then to a partial hospitalization program for a month. I’m back at school now, with a completely different outlook on life. I can never repay the people that helped me change my life, no matter how hard I try.

 

(edit: 5/2011) Now I'm back in school, and taking everything one day at a time. It's not always easy, but I'm plugging away at it. I hope that one day things will get easier, and I've heard that they do. I really want to believe those people, I hope they're right. I live my life by two quotes at the moment. They were not things I found online, but that I came up with myself (If someone else made these up, it's completely coincidental). "Recovery isn't simply a goal it's a mission. It's damn hard. It's gonna take work. It's a long road to recover from addiction. No one said it'd be easy, but they promised it'd be worth it." and "Don't stay a victim of circumstance, become a product of knowledge"


(edit: 8/2011)I ended up not having to spend my senior year in high school. I had enough credits that they let me take 2 classes at my community college in the fall, and graduate in December. I finished up the year at that school, and now I am a (edit: 4/2015) Senior at Seton Hill University at the age of 20. (end edit) Life is getting so much better.


(edit: 7/2012)My gramma died of lymphoma, and I did not relapse, to anything. Sure, I had a few drinks, and got high a couple times, but I stayed strong. Sometimes I still don't want to get out of bed in the morning, but I keep pressing on. That's how it's going to be for a while, and I've accepted that fact. Let my story be an example of how things get better if you give them time. I have not cut since March 25th of 2011. I have not attempted suicide since before then.


(edit: 5/2013)Sometimes, I just hit a rough patch and life just sucks. I'm sort of in a bit of a funk right now. I just have so much s**t going on that I am so overwhelmed. I have a lot of irrational fears and panic attacks almost every day. It's frustrating as all hell. I don't know why I have these problems, but I've just started to accept the fact that these panic attacks and my Bipolar are going to forever be the thorn in my side. I'm having trouble because all I currently want to do is relapse. I want to cut and go get f*****g wasted and baked all the time. I just know that I can't. I've come too f*****g far to give up now. I know what rock bottom feels like, and this surely isn't it. I made it, somehow, through 2010, and I definitely can make it now.


On a lighter note, college has been a blast so far. 3 out of my 4 semesters in college, I have made Dean's List. I have gotten extra grant money for that reason.


(edit: 7/2013)The funk is still upon me, though it is getting easier to deal. I find myself holing up in my room more frequently though. I am currently carrying two jobs, but I plan on quitting one next week. The stress and overwhelming feeling I get from that job is too much to bear. It gives me panic attacks almost every time I step through the gates of that place. Having everyone rush up at me at the same time and expecting me to be able to handle it is trying at best. I'm getting a tattoo to celebrate being clean from self injury. I am getting the self injury awareness ribbon with the words stay strong on my foot. I'm getting it on my foot because I'm always above it.


(edit:8/2013)Horray! I quit that horrible job! Anyways, I had one hell of a time figuring out how I'm going to pay for school this year but thankfully it worked out in my favor. I was so afraid that I was going to have to drop out. My mom dropped out, thinking it would be temporary, and a bunch of other people I know did, all for different reasons. There is one thing they all said though. Once you drop out, you'll never go back. I was so afraid that I was going to end up staying at this part time minimum wage job until they had a full time position open up. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in retail. I know that God has a much bigger plan for me than that. I know that Music Therapy and Psychology are my calling. I know that I am called to open my own therapy center with a variety of different types of therapists for all age groups.


I am not too sure how I'm going to pay for groceries, car insurance, gas, credit card bills, and all of that. My easiest solution would be to quit smoking, but that's a hell of a lot easier said than done. With all of the stress of everything, I couldn't imagine quitting. A solution that is a bit cheaper that I'm going to try is e-cigarettes. Maybe I'll buy a real pack every so often. I think that's the route I'm gonna go. I just couldn't see quitting completely. It's been my crutch for almost 3 years now. (Dear God I didn't realize it's been that long since I tried one.) I'm scraping together what I can to get through.  I'm trying to figure out cost effective solutions to budget my money. Smoking is just a money pit, and maybe I could stop online shopping so frequently. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get me through school though. Whatever needs to be done will be done. So I don't have all of this money trouble again this year, I am hoping to get a position as an RA and/or a full ride I have applied for twice now and been turned down. I just need to keep praying that everything will work out. I know this is all in God's hands though.


(edit: 9/2013)So, that whole quitting smoking thing did not go as planned..... oh well. I have a job on campus now on top of the one that I go home to work at sometimes. That should help ease some of the financial pressure. My classes and the schedule that I'm keeping are stressful. I feel like if I don't get back into the rhythm of college soon, I'm going to be so burned out. My mood has been, well, interesting. Highs and lows come and go, but that's to be expected with how fucked up my head is. The panic attacks have subsided for the most part. I'm going to use this down time from them to learn how to deal with the few that pop up so that whenever they flare up again, I'm prepared. I'd be lying if I said that I don't think about drinking or drugs once in a while and how sweet it would be to relapse. As soon as those thoughts come, the part of my brain that actually functions like a normal person reminds me of how terrible things used to be and how much I would hate to relapse. I just have to keep pressing on and embrace this crazy semester. Thoughts about cutting have rarely crossed my mind as of late. It's a nice break, even if it doesn't last long. I've learned how to deal with those urges and I'm prepared whenever they come around.


My roommates are nice. I'm so glad that they are. I was so worked up about having to live with new people. "What if they hate me? What if they aren't nice? What if they make fun of me? What if they stare at my scars and pester me about them?" All of those thoughts and more swarmed my head and wouldn't stop. I'm just glad that none of my worries proved to be true. 


(edit: 10/2013)Well, this month has been a bunch of ups and downs. I am so pissed off at myself right now because I am failing music history. I have never gotten below a C in any class all throughout my schooling. No one in the class is doing that well though. The teacher isn't very good at teaching, but he is trying. He's tried a few different ways of presenting the material, but half of the class is failing. I just can't comprehend the material that he goes through. The book is like jibberish to me and in lectures he talks like a chipmunk hyped up on caffeine and speed. The words that he's saying come out so fast that I begin to shut down. If any of you guys were to get to know me, I'm a laid back, chill kind of person. I like to have days where I do absolutely nothing. I'm never in a huge hurry, well, I strive not to be. Doesn't always work out though. I have a meeting with the tutor on Monday, so hopefully she'll be able to clear some of the confusion for the class.


My MacBook went to s**t today. The damn thing just wouldn't turn on! I took it to the MacBar at my school and they told me that my logic board is shot and that they have to send it to Apple to replace it. Good thing it's still under warranty. If it wasn't, I'd be paying $800 to replace it. Luckily, the school was able to transfer all of the contents of my hard drive and put it on a loaner Mac. It has all of my stuff, but it doesn't feel like it should. I don't know, maybe I'm weird. It just feels like it's missing a personal aspect to it. Should have mine back in a week though (YAY).


I don't know if it's because seasons are changing or whatever, but I've been in a slump these past few days. I found out that one of my friends has an eating disorder. I just found out what her Tumblr was about a week ago and something told me to look through it, and I saw a bunch of posts of her talking about her eating disorder. I also learned a few things about her that she claimed otherwise to me. She doesn't know that I know any of this and I know that I'm going to have to confront her about it, but I don't know how to go about it.


Sometimes I wonder why everyone who has/had struggles with mental issues or is gay/lesbian/bi is automatically attracted to me. Maybe it's because I put on this persona that I'm tough and I know what I'm doing. The worst part is that I'm not and I don't. I have such low self esteem that I second guess almost everything and everyone. I'm suspicious of people, especially people that I don't know very well. The first person that I ever dated burned me so bad. I found out that she only asked me out on a dare to get money for drugs, and the last person that I dated didn't even care about me. He was an idiot and I should have known that he was just using me. I've had a few other lowlife f***s date me too. I've been cheated on, lied to, and hurt in most of relationships. So, I don't think very highly of romantic relationships and for that very reason, I do not want to get married. A lot of my so called friends from over the years have screwed me over so hard that it's not even funny. For some of them, they watched me get so bad that I was at the point of suicide almost every day and they did not intervene. Never talked to me about it, just kicked me while I was down. The worst part is, whenever I decided to get help on my own, they never saw me through to the other side. They just wanted me to continue doing the self-destructive things that I did with them after I said that I was through. They didn't want any part of it, so they up and left. The others saw me begin to deteriorate and hit the door running. Didn't want to deal with me because they thought that I was crazy.


(edit: 11/2013)This past month has definitely had its ups and downs. I've had good days and bad days, but such is life, right?


This f*****g class is getting the best of me. I know that I'm going to fail it, so why should I even bother? I stress myself out so bad everyday while studying for this damn class that it gets me nowhere in the long run. I guess my grade is going to come down to this final. Just gotta hope and pray that everything turns out alright. I just can't wait for this f*****g semester to be over.


I applied to be an RA for next year. I really hope that I get it. It will be a big financial relief. I don't know how I'm getting back if I don't get this position or a full ride. Again, just have to hope and pray that things will work out.


Me and her are back in contact again. God, did I miss her.


Oh, I was just thinking about this. Today marks 2 years and 7 months free of self injury. Horray for me! I never thought that I'd be able to make it this far but I have and I'm damn proud of myself. Sure wasn't easy getting over that time in my life, but I'm so f*****g happy that I did. I'd be lying if I don't want to do it sometimes. I do miss it, but I've realized that there are a lot better ways to deal with s**t than slicing my body open.


I put myself on a diet about a month ago and I've lost 11 pounds! I've been watching what I eat and walking a little bit more around campus. Here's to hoping that I don't find that weight again over break.


Well, that's it for this month. I'll get another update up next month.


(edit: 4/2015) Well, so much for that update I promised almost a year and a half ago haha. Well, my life has been nothing short of insane since then. I ended up getting back together with my ex who I broke up with back in 2010, and it was great for a while. We got together in November, broke up in January, got back together in March (I think???) and I  found out she cheated on me in May. I was so beyond infuriated. I really thought I loved her, but looking back, she was nothing more than a controlling, manipulative a*****e who had a way of worming into your life, f*****g s**t up, then leaving. I'm kind of really glad that I don't talk to her anymore, even as friends.


The summer went well. I got a better paying job and I still work there, even though I get s****y hours for better pay. I'm ending up making the same amount for less work, which is nice, but I was looking for the same amount of work and more pay, you know? I guess I just have to work my way up from being the low man on the totem pole.


Right at the start of the school year, I got an amazing girlfriend, who I really loved a lot. Things were going awesome. My mind, however, decided that it was time for my moods to cycle and it wanted to f**k my s**t up again. I ended up failing 3 classes because there were some days where I literally could not find it in me to get out of bed, let alone do work of any sort. I drank, A LOT, but did not go back to self injury or drugs (sans pot if you believe that is a drug which I do not). My relationship with her was staying strong, so I thought, until she broke up with me because she wanted my family to know that we were more than friends. I explained to her that there was a high probability that I would be kicked out of the house if I did that, and she didn't really seem to want to deal with that possibility, or being a closeted relationship. That literally tore me apart. After the spring semester started this year, I decided to take matters into my own hands and write a note to my parents, coming out to them. At first, they just wanted to pretend like I never wrote it. All they said is "We will discuss this whenever you get home" and it was never mentioned again. I brought this up to her, very excited, because she had said that we have a chance of getting back together if I was able to be open with my family, she just told me to move on. I really think that she is seeing someone now, and they were the reason that she wanted to break up with me. But, at that point, I decided to say screw this, and put myself back on the market. When I finally got a chance to discuss it with my folks, they pretty much instated a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy in regards to that part of my life. Oh well. At least I still have a home. As for the current dating situation, I have my eye on a few potential suitors and I'm just hoping that something comes out of it. I also sort of discovered that I'm just a lesbian and not bisexual? Oh well haha. All's well that ends well.


Random side note: I've been clean of self injury for over 4 years now! I am so f*****g proud of myself based on the progress that I made.


I'll get an update up whenever I remember and don't blank like an a*****e.


© 2015 Radrach23


Author's Note

Radrach23
please don't judge me because of what you just read.

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Ahhh we're the same age and I can't even imagine going through that much stuff.
But I am so glad to hear that you are getting better! I feel like i have a similar story (its not nearly as intense though), and you are super brave for putting this up here. Anyone who judges you for it needs to be hit with something. Thank you so much for sharing!

Posted 7 Years Ago


No, the last thing I would do is judge you. What you went through is not easy and I praise you for your strength. It must of been hard, but it's okay. But hey, thanks for sharing. You actually gave me a little bit of hope, my friend. Seeing you go through all this...made me think hey perhaps I can too. Yeah, I actually can relate to some of your story. And I know it's not easy at all...suicide, cutting, bipolar, clinical help, medication. any of it.
But it's all so new to me so it's still really uncomfortable...but, hopefully, I will get through it.
Thanks again. It almost felt like I was the only one for a second.

Posted 8 Years Ago


That's such a sad story. Like knp, I applaud you for stepping up, telling people, and changing your life. That you have gone through all of that, and now, you are past most of it, is amazing. It shows that you are a very strong person. It's an amazing write!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Im not goin to judge you, and no I dont have a similar story, but I want to applaud you on actually stepping up and telling people your story. I know it couldnt of been easy. And like I said, I dont know what youre going through, but Im gonna pray for you (And im sorry if you dont share my faith, but its just what I do. I pray for people, whether they think they need it or not. But I believe everyone needs praying). Anyways, my heart goes out to you and I wish you luck. Oh by the way, great write!!!

Posted 8 Years Ago



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Radrach23
Radrach23

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