You Probably Shouldn't Get a Queen-Size Mattress

You Probably Shouldn't Get a Queen-Size Mattress

A Story by Stoop Kid
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One of my Creative Writing entries from this semester. A meditation on loneliness and longing and my conflict between being lonely and simply being alone synchronously.

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     I used to be lonely all the time; especially during my junior and senior year of high school. I had friends that I hung out with, and kind of had something going on beyond friendship with one of them, but I felt so disconnected sometimes. Just one of those “twenty people in the room and the room still feels empty,” kind of feelings. I can never really pinpoint an instance in the past where I felt lonely, just because it's all just kind of blurred together over time. Presently, I'm more alone than I am lonely most days, it seems; I can be by myself and be my best company, I don't always yearn for the presence of another person. But I'm no stranger to loneliness. I think loneliness never really hits me or occurs to me until I am preparing to go to bed.

     See, if there's one reason you probably shouldn't get a queen-size mattress, it's because you're always going to have that empty space next to you unless you sprawl yourself across the entire mattress. Unless I'm absolutely shitfaced, I tend to sleep on my side, if not my stomach. So there's always that empty space on the right side of the bed. It kind of came naturally to me to keep it that way, too. Every night, I get curled up under the blankets, (one leg over the covers for a happy medium,) post up against my right side, and just stare. Just stare at the empty space. Every blink would be followed by the false pretense that I'd open my eyes to someone's back facing me. I anticipate seeing their face as they slept without a single stir or intrusion on their reverie. Hell, sometimes I anticipate opening my eyes to find theirs staring back. But then reality hits. I'm not dreaming, there isn't going to be a surprise guest to relieve me of the loneliness that seems so reality-bending in nature.

     It's not a brief nightmare; it's just two hours, three hours, five hours"sometimes a whole night"of total disbelief and disorientation with that pang of desire for a back to rub my palms against or the feeling of my neck being cradled by somebody else's hands. I don't have the scent of someone else's sweat, cologne, secondhand-smoke, shampoo or laundry detergent to acknowledge and indulge in. Just an empty space that I always keep an eye on, to guard from being taken up by somebody most unwelcome to it; to keep free of any wrinkle or stain for the somebody I'd willingly enjoy seeing pinch my sheets with the contour of their tired body; somebody I'd be delighted to allow tangle my hair in their fingers, or brush a fallen eyelash from the bridge of my nose with the edge of a nicotine-stained fingernail.

     And it all just sounds so desperate to me, and probably would to anyone who ever questioned the expression of bewilderment plastered on my tired face each following morning but only heard, “I just didn't get much sleep.” But I don't feel desperate. I don't feel like it's ripping my heart out or anything like that. It's just kind of there, and it's just kind of sad.


                           “And as I climb into an empty bed�"/
                          Oh well, enough said.” - The Smiths, “I Know It's Over”

© 2013 Stoop Kid


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Hmmm... the feeling of loneliness that leads you to the verge of nervous breakdown, yet you try to convince yourself and others that things are not ALL bad after all, and you don't need sympathy. Trust me, I have been through all this and felt the same in 2011-2012. I can relate you, thus can say your writing is expressive and very descriptive. "I can be myself, and my best company" :-just loved this line. Keep up the good work and take care, hope things get better.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stoop Kid

7 Years Ago

Thank you for the love, Penny; it means a lot. Knowing other people get it really reassures me that .. read more
Penny

7 Years Ago

My pleasure. And if you ever need my help or advice. I'm there



Reviews

Hmmm... the feeling of loneliness that leads you to the verge of nervous breakdown, yet you try to convince yourself and others that things are not ALL bad after all, and you don't need sympathy. Trust me, I have been through all this and felt the same in 2011-2012. I can relate you, thus can say your writing is expressive and very descriptive. "I can be myself, and my best company" :-just loved this line. Keep up the good work and take care, hope things get better.

Posted 7 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Stoop Kid

7 Years Ago

Thank you for the love, Penny; it means a lot. Knowing other people get it really reassures me that .. read more
Penny

7 Years Ago

My pleasure. And if you ever need my help or advice. I'm there

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Added on December 20, 2013
Last Updated on December 20, 2013
Tags: you, mattress, bed, longing, fawning, romance, LGBT, gay, love, relationships, alone, lonely, loneliness, meditation, journal, sleep

Author

Stoop Kid
Stoop Kid

Bayport, NY



About
I'm Vincent, but I do love nicknames. Stoop Kid is my penname. 21 June 10th, 1992 - Monkey/Gemini INFJ - The Counselor Idealist/The Confidant The Dreamy Idealist Gemini Hooper/Lacer.. more..

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