A Right Write Forum Doubts of a Prophet

I feel pain I am not a strong man.  I cry unexpectedly, hoping no one see’s me in fear of being though a lesser person.  Illogical the fear may be however it makes me feel it no less, I hurt.  The things I say hurt others, not inspire I do the opposite of my souls dream of helping people.  I make them like me, and one is too much for this world already.  I have had a mental and emotional break down and I deserve the ravaging pain that comes with them.  For I hurt the true love of my time here.  The life I wish for us is an impossible reality not for her faults but for my own.  I put my faults upon others as a way to stir the vision of others praying I am not discovered.  I am human and humans make mistakes, that saying has no validity for me.  It is an excuse that can be used to escape the most severe consequences, and I have used it to its extreme.  I have been a poor example of an enlightened individual, enlightenment in my eyes is something that lets one see them for who they are bad, horrible and good.  I see the horrible inside me, and I see the bad inside me but I cannot see the good.  Therefore I am not enlightened, I am a man who in all his wishes dreams that he may one day find a shred of good within.  Though at times it seems futile, for only seeing the negative within myself I bind myself to them and only them. 

My mask to which I show the world is impenetrable and it has allowed me to escape from the results of the evil within me.  The mask I speak of is made of iron, and water for it has the power of allowing you to see the good within yourself but in me.  But at a moments notice it may turn to a turbulent whirlpool distorting my image in a mix of salt and pain.  I control these moments to where it has become a sort of personal art and I am the master of my art.  I use my words in addition hoping they may sway belief into my being from others, though this belief given to me is not used admirably.  It is used in a vile manner which I cannot yet describe.  My soul has become less bright, knowing it has fought my whole existence in an attempt to push the goodness from it to me.  My resolve is firm and has not allowed that passion of an angel to affect me, unwillingly this occurs and yet I cannot for the life of me loosen my horribleness’s grip upon my psyche.  I betray not only myself but the world by not having the courage to do this. 

I forbid the reason of the cosmos to reach me for if I did it would put me closer to enlightenment; witnessing good within my self is something I want and at the same time hope never happens.  If good can be within me what does that say of the words good and right?  It would mean good can be within any being, for I am one of the worst imaginable.  So does this mean a rapist has the divine good within them even if it has been buried by a passion driven hate and need?  If I accept the good within my soul and allow it to change me into something of an admirable human then I accept they have the same ability.  I don’t know if I am capable for the task I feel that has been given to me.  I regret so much, though my experiences have made me who I am what good has that done anyone?  If my experiences made me who I am today then they created a monster capable of perfectly concealing himself and has the most terrible feeling the world has ever witnessed. So if I am a monster how can I change?  How can the world trust someone who has the sort of faults I possess...