Poetry Workshop Forum My Problem Child

I just offered up a poem for review and help. It is called A Letter to My First Love.

I begin this poem saying that there is so much I want to tell him, and then that is exactly what I proceed to do.. TELL... not SHOW.. I had it drilled into my head in college to do less telling and more showing in poetry. I just cannot seem to find the right words to turn this poem around.

So what I need help with is... how would you show unselfish love?

Any advice for other areas would also be appreciated.

Lori, I have a list of show~me words that I use.  Sight words, loud sounds, soft sounds, speech sounds, touch words, taste words, and smell words.  Would that help?  I can send them to you or post them here.  It is a pretty long list.

Angi that would be awesome.. how about making a forum post with the list to share with everyone. I think we could all use that kind of help.

I would be happy to do that.  I will start a new thread with my list of show~me words.

Thanks Angi.. appreciate it.

No problem.  The list is up in a new thread. 

Ok.. Some of the things I felt were , this could almost be a sng, except , it has no pattern..If it had for instance, I would have tried to break it up as

There is so much I want to tell you --

like how your love turned a scared young girl
into a confident young woman
how even now, twenty-five years later
you are still the only man I've ever loved

That is the effect you had on me

You taught me unselfish love
even when your own love of me was selfish
you taught me to hold on, to never let go
and even now I cannot let you go.

Then (line that says stuff like to this day my art reflects you..)

Rest 4 lines about paintings and such..
Then the wonderful last 5 lines

The poem is really nice as is , but felt that a little structure could do wonders and make it so easily set to music.. :) and since this is a poetry work shop.

I get what you are saying, Rainbow and I like the idea.. it makes it more proactive instead of passive.. thanks for the input!

I wouldn't call this a problem child.  Its actually a beautiful piece.  As far as showing unselfish love - I know people who have broken up with loved ones so that the other person could grow.  Where they felt they were holding that person back.  Or you could explain how he made small sacrifices like sitting through a chick flic, going to a restaurant he hats, etc just to make you happy.  If you do that I would suggest showing how his love was selfish as well.

Thanks Gene.. you've given me some food for thought here.. We had a very condensed relationship. Our lives revolved around home and work and very little else. I will have to dig deep for some memories of those days...