baby i love you

baby i love you

A Poem by ASHIDASH
"

It unfolds around the simple romantic embrace a girl feels when she's with the boy

"
Exist in the dark,
falling for your heart
when you say believe,
i do with my heart...
Fly with the dreams,
love in the wind
touch of passion,
you make me fall in...
Rest in your arms,
I'll take away the pain,
i will hold you in my heart
and will make you go to sleep..
but please make me see
what life can create for us
i will always be with you,
till heaven calls for me

© 2014 ASHIDASH



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This poem has potential, but the rhyme scheme is off. In lines 2 and 4, you rhyme "heart" with "heart," and you're generally not supposed to rhyme words with themselves. Also, sometimes you rhyme at every two lines and sometimes you rhyme at every other line. For instance, first you rhyme "dark" in the 1st line with "heart" in the 4th line, but then you rhyme "wind" in the 5th line with "in" in the 7tg line. Then you revert back to rhyming every two lines with "see" in the 13th line and "me" in the final, 16th line. Either rhyme scheme is fine, but I think you should choose one and go with it. I will try to give you more feedback once you have done that.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

ASHIDASH

3 Years Ago

To tell you the truth i dn't know much about rhyming and the way to use it.. so i hope you'll help m.. read more



Reviews

wow. amazing. it liked it so much..connects with me. :)

Posted 3 Years Ago


This is nice. I'm not one for romantic poems,but it was nice. I get the idea of it but it seems a bit "fast". I don't know how else to explain it.

Posted 3 Years Ago


If you've read any of my stuff you'll see that I'm one of those people who doesn't go in for using a scheme or format. I like to write from my heart. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's great.
Technical writing is ok but if you are not trained and comfortable with it, don't try to do it.
This is a good little poem.
Your use of capitals and punctuation could be a little better. Check it twice before you publish.
Line 4 put a comer after 'I do'. Last 2 lines are so touching.

Posted 3 Years Ago


This is a sweet, romantic poem, that I can tell came from your heart. I admit that the rhymes are a little off, but I FEEL the emotion. The flow was really nice. Overall, good job!



Posted 3 Years Ago


ASHIDASH

3 Years Ago

Thanks alot.
AprilRN1210

3 Years Ago

You are welcome.
i love the subject of this poem but i think u should work on the rhyming schemes... or else try to write in blank verses.... try not to merge these two together....

Posted 3 Years Ago


This poem has potential, but the rhyme scheme is off. In lines 2 and 4, you rhyme "heart" with "heart," and you're generally not supposed to rhyme words with themselves. Also, sometimes you rhyme at every two lines and sometimes you rhyme at every other line. For instance, first you rhyme "dark" in the 1st line with "heart" in the 4th line, but then you rhyme "wind" in the 5th line with "in" in the 7tg line. Then you revert back to rhyming every two lines with "see" in the 13th line and "me" in the final, 16th line. Either rhyme scheme is fine, but I think you should choose one and go with it. I will try to give you more feedback once you have done that.

Posted 3 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

ASHIDASH

3 Years Ago

To tell you the truth i dn't know much about rhyming and the way to use it.. so i hope you'll help m.. read more

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6 Reviews
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Added on June 29, 2014
Last Updated on June 30, 2014

Author

ASHIDASH
ASHIDASH

colombo, Sri Lanka



About
About me.... I'm still 17. i love to write.. i thought of joining this website because i want to know how I am. I'm working on a poetry book and hope to publish it in here but before that i thought o.. more..

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