Time

I feel like I’m sitting on the edge of time again, stunned by the swiftness with which tomorrow becomes yesterday, wondering how the f**k I grew up so fast from green-eyed hopes of changing the world, to black and blue dreams of running away, to red and black verbal violence, to the violet balance of the realization that I’m walking the thin line where the past meets the future
I see myself through memories frozen in eyes of recognition, I see myself small, ecstatic and loud, later angry and misguided, the years of despair and discontent, I see myself a woman learning to live with myself, alone, estranged, so many frames, so many pictures, a sunny day in my back yard, the wind in my hair that was still light brown, belonging, the roots of my childhood still deep and strong, the presence of an absence staring back at me, “love’s labors lost”, the town of his past love affairs, feeling his arms around me like I had felt them a million times before, giving my life a meaning and a direction for the one millionth time, asking myself the same forever impotent question “why?”, destination nowhere, coming back to familiar ground, just another name for nowhere…
The world vibrating at my feet lets me know that I can finally be everything I ever dreamed of being because I rolled the dice and I lost and now I’m rolling them again cause, all said and done, it was worth all the while… I learned that “never” is too long a word, “never will I forgive my father”, “never will I stop loving Claudiu”, “never will I fail”, “never will I read science fiction”…I did
An existence so sad but at the same time so promising under the blossoms of this long-awaited spring, the acute nostalgic epiphany of every moment in time struggling to show me that today’s future will be next year’s broken friendships, broken promises, broken families… time is on my side, out of joint just like me, the birthday, fools’-day blues, time of soul-searching, time of pointing fingers, time of insanity, time of crawling up walls screaming, time of expiation, time of my life…

Reviews

[Jacqueline]

Intense introspection and dawning on things that have happened in the past, maybe repeating, maybe not. This was raw and so chock full of emotion, but at times it was a bit hard to read as everything flowed for long stretches. The structure was a bit off, but never the less your words were deep and real.