The House

The House

A Story by Arabdha

Kavya was starting to lose his patience.There was something about Surabhi that he didn't understand.Its not just that she was very particular about everything and chose her stuff after going through them a little more than a million times.That would still come under the fringes of normal(may be!!).There was something about her that was oddly weird-that unsettled him every time he was with her.He just couldn't put his finger on what it exactly was yet!And he couldn't talk about it to his friends either.They had been into five and a half years of marriage-and she still  intrigued him,How credible does that sound!

This was their seventh house.But he had lost all interests in looking at walls or how lilac went so well with yellow  in the master bedrooms.Truth is he hated the combination.But all that didn't matter.It looked liked Surabhi had set her mind to give everyone her trademark 2-lettered answer-'NO'.The last one they had seen has been a 7-bedroom mansion with its own central-heating system.It had belonged to the royal prince of Rajasthan once upon a time.But now,after his death,his son ha put it up for sale.So,was the state of the monarchial regime! It overlooked the lake and when you went to the roof,you could see the little Dalia and rose garden with the plants carefully pruned to the optimum heights.On the left lay,a see-saw and a slider-the king probably had set it up for their kids.The drawing room was huge-with lavender curtains and Rajasthan brown-black streaked-marble flooring.It smelled faintly of roses and lavender.It might have been the fragrance of the garden flowers wafting in through the French windows.The exterior walls were painted a dull yellow-pink.There was enough space for Rahul and Niyati to make wonderful memories of their childhood.It was perfect.Kavya was so sure-this was it !!
But Surabhi..she had just nodded at everything-that hypocritical satirical diabolical nod of hers which was a 'nod' but actually conveyed disapproval,and walked back.She said it had lacked that -'little something extra'..that she was looking for.After all,they were spending almost all of their savings in buying this house.It ought to be perfect.

The one prior to that had been a plush,21st-century,gadget-savvy one..with auto coolers,an in-built neural,speech recognition system,temperatue and presuure auto-sensors,
activity monitors-you name it.The house seemed to have it all.To Kavya,it was a time capsule.He was 16 all over again..and he was in disneyland.Except this Disneyland seemed well gadgeted too.He was entranced.But Surabhi had dismissed it as a 'freak show'.No further arguments.
 The previous one was a wonderful 5-bedroom villa overlooking the Golden Sands beach.The perfect holiday retiral home-the kind which sets you thinking of how much fun can be had at by the sea.Again,Surabhi had twitched her nose,clenched her lips and it had been ruthlessly disregarded.

The ones before that were pretty wonderful too-an apartment near Park street with the perfect lawns and parking,the one near to his office with the Portueguese interiors,the one next to his sister's place with the grand patio,the 8-bedroom palatial mansion in Bond street.They were some of the best buys in town..and Kavya had loved them all.But Surabhi-..!! God knows something was wrong with the woman.She was the female version of  Amrish Puri in Kavya's life !

Kavya at times thought,she was just making sure to check off her list anything that he had liked.It had always been so..in all of the past 5 and a half years.Be it the choice of car..or even the color of it,his chappals,the kids schools,their drawing room furniture,it was always Surabhi.He liked 'Peter England' but now all he ever wore was 'Pierre Cardin'and he absolutely hated it!

Kavya was rethinking things.He often mulled over how different his life could have been had he not ended up with Surabhi..or had he not ended up married at all!He would still be the fun-loving,living his life on the edge,doing eveything on his free will..would have had a free will to follow!Somewhere down the line,it seemed he had lost himself-to life,to Surabhi.He was saddened by the thought.

Now the agent was giving them a tour of the eight house.It wasn't half as good as the others.It was a decent 4 BHK apartment within a mile from Kavya's office.The walls were painted a dirty pink and the furniture was almost rotting.The flooring was layered with multiple layers of dust and grime.The iron on the grill was rusting.Kavya hated it.He knew that Surabhi wouldn't like it.No one in their sane mind would.But this was high time he acted.He just couldn't take it any more.He had to assert himslef."We will take it"-he had to almost shout it out.he was afraid if they didn't hear it,he probably couldn't bring himself to say it again.The broker's mouth fell open! Of all the houses..!Surabhi tried her usual cries of protest.But Kavya had heard it all-while buying their Tv set,for the blinds in the drawing room,the kid's sneakers,the stationary for the living room ! He wasn't going to hear more of it.He signed the agreement,wrote the check.The deal was sealed.

Surabhi angrily strode out,got into the car without waiting for Kavya and slammed the door.Kavya was feeling good-in years now! not because of the house but because of what he had done-he had made Surabhi storm out..probably for the very first time in their 5 yrs of marriage.Back in the car,Surabhi was smiling.This one was going to save her a lot of time.Mumbai traffic was absolutely detestable!This was a woman who always got what she wanted.

© 2011 Arabdha



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Ah, if only it was that easy. The problems of the emergent middle-class. Glad I am poor.
.....................
Writing: you write well and have an good eye for detail. You have a wee tendency to step out of the story and engage with the reader AS THE WRITER, leaving the character behind for a moment or two. Example: How credible does that sound? (Who's asking?); or, She was the female version of . . . You are trying to get us to see the world from Kavya's point of view, so don't give us someone else, i.e. you the writer, to listen to. Try and disguise the writer narrative voice. Make the voice that of one of your characters, obviously in this case Kavya. It is a technique but a fairly easy one to master. in the main you do do it, that is why the two examples stick out. Example: It ought to be pefect and: No futher arguments, take us inside Kavya's exploding mind; this is, in my view, the tone/voice you should aim at: almost as if Kavya is talking to himself and we the readers can hear his thoughts.
pargraphing O.K., often this is a matter of taste.

(watch out for exclamations in brackets.) Avoid these. If you have something to say, say it, do not whisper it from behind your hand.
Make an effort to begin fewer sentences with The. This will make a difference, and should help 'fix' the voice with the character as narrator. As an exercise try and rewrite the story finding alternatives for THE and other pronouns and conjunctions at the start of sentences. I think you'll find it is this that tightens writing up.
Paragraphing is no great worry.
................
I hope this does not appear as what we call 'bawheided', but I think you are familiar with my ways and intentions by now. Keep writing.
ATB
Alex.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Ah, if only it was that easy. The problems of the emergent middle-class. Glad I am poor.
.....................
Writing: you write well and have an good eye for detail. You have a wee tendency to step out of the story and engage with the reader AS THE WRITER, leaving the character behind for a moment or two. Example: How credible does that sound? (Who's asking?); or, She was the female version of . . . You are trying to get us to see the world from Kavya's point of view, so don't give us someone else, i.e. you the writer, to listen to. Try and disguise the writer narrative voice. Make the voice that of one of your characters, obviously in this case Kavya. It is a technique but a fairly easy one to master. in the main you do do it, that is why the two examples stick out. Example: It ought to be pefect and: No futher arguments, take us inside Kavya's exploding mind; this is, in my view, the tone/voice you should aim at: almost as if Kavya is talking to himself and we the readers can hear his thoughts.
pargraphing O.K., often this is a matter of taste.

(watch out for exclamations in brackets.) Avoid these. If you have something to say, say it, do not whisper it from behind your hand.
Make an effort to begin fewer sentences with The. This will make a difference, and should help 'fix' the voice with the character as narrator. As an exercise try and rewrite the story finding alternatives for THE and other pronouns and conjunctions at the start of sentences. I think you'll find it is this that tightens writing up.
Paragraphing is no great worry.
................
I hope this does not appear as what we call 'bawheided', but I think you are familiar with my ways and intentions by now. Keep writing.
ATB
Alex.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

There's many places where spaces could be placed.
Dialogue usually in its own paragraph. In my experience its rarely within one.
And you should tab once at the start of each new paragraph.

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The story is very good. I like the ending.
"This was a woman who always got what she wanted."
Thank you for the excellent story.
Coyote

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Your main characters seem interesting and I liked the ending.

I think as Erinne below said, there are some spacing issues. I like to put two spaces after every period (MLA style). And on the topic of reading clarity, perhaps you could break up the paragraphs?

Also, in the first paragraph, is the word supposed to be 'credible' or 'incredible'? And "maybe" is one word. There are a few little errors like that, maybe a little editing?

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Excellent write! Only critique is watch for spacing, at some spots you forgot to put a space so it makes it a little tricky to read. It's an easy fix :) other than that it was a great story!

~Erinne

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

haha..ending was wonderful...I guessed somewhat that it would end like this...but the descriptions of each house was marvelous...seems like you have a lot of experience /idea in it...well worded , interesting write !

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Good write...!!!!

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on November 28, 2011
Last Updated on November 28, 2011

Author

Arabdha
Arabdha

Bangalore, Karnataka, India



About
i am 23..a thinker and a dreamer..life is hard..and i'm just fumbling my way through it..writing is my constant companion and escape.. I write likeAgatha ChristieI Write Like by Mémoires,.. more..

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