Not Your Fault

Written when I was 15 and found out my brother was autistic.

Year after year you have tortured me,

Growing even worse only now do I see.

What pains me torments you too,

I can only imagine what you go through.

 

Because it’s not your fault,

If only you knew,

You’re just rubbing salt

In your own wounds.

The darkness won’t go

And the voices won’t stop,

So you choose the wrong road

And let them in when they knock.

 

No, you can’t escape if you run away.

If you’d listen long enough then you’d hear me say,

“You can never outrun what’s in your head,

But don’t you worry, it’s just like I said.”

 

We know it’s not your fault,

If only you knew,

You’re just rubbing salt

In your own wounds.

But the darkness will fade

And the voices will die.

You’ll step out from your shield

And you’ll learn how to fly.

 

I know you’ll never be able to act your own age,

And will never fully let yourself out of your cage;

But at least now you’ll know that I understand you

And maybe someday you will understand too.

 

I know it’s not your fault,

I hope you learn soon.

You’re just rubbing salt

In your own wounds,

When the darkness is gone

And the voices are too,

I’ll sing you this song

And you’ll know it’s for you.

For you.

Reviews

[NoelHC]

I really liked the use of repetition of the second, fourth and sixth verses, almost identical, but each one offering a bit more hope.
Often the siblings of children with health or development issues are forgotten as the needs of their brother or sister command so much attention. It was encouraging to see such a young age you were able to process it, and be understanding.

Well written.

[Ashira Macy]

Thank you Noel for your kind words. It is true I did get pushed to the side a bit, but I knew he needed attention more than I did. Being the "normal" one in the family can be a gift and a curse.

[loverofpoetry7]

Oh wow reading this poem makes me think of how my daughter felt at a young age when her brother was born with autism. She is 13 now and he is 11 but I always wondered how my daughter felt because he got more attention because of the issues we had to deal with. She had to take on a role not meant for her at a very young age in being the protector of him....she was also the brunt of his panic attacks.. Oh goodness this tears at my heart. But you wrote this really well and I just saw that you wrote this when you were 15. Oh my gosh very powerful.

[Ashira Macy]

Her situation sounds very similar to mine. My brother and I are also two years apart and I had to grow up a lot faster than I should have because he needed attention and I had to babysit him a lot too. He was not diagnosed until he was 13 (which was ridiculous) they thought he had ADHD and bipolar, so he was on drugs that made him much crazier. My only advice is to be sure that she gets the attention and childhood she deserves. My brother and I are very close now, but there was a lot of resentment throughout my high school years. Glad you connected with this, it is an issue that I feel very closely linked to.

[loverofpoetry7]

Oh wow yes your story and my daughters sound very similar. Thanks you really opened my eyes to this situation and I will pay more attention to the way I am treating them both and what I am expecting of her. Thanks again for sharing this.

[Ashira Macy]

Of course, it was my pleasure. If you ever want to talk about anything I am certainly open to that as well. =)

[loverofpoetry7]

Thanks hun, take care

[Glen Yumang Manese]

This has the lyrical tone in there...and the tribute is spot on for a special person in your life...its hard to measure the words when its down right concrete and effects your world and the person around you...this just has the down right truth --- in the lines...speak measure...bravo...

[Ashira Macy]

Thanks Glen, I am glad it was lyrical. I originally wrote it to be a song, but I don't compose music. Either way I am glad it reads well.

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you're welcome...

[Lady Glitter]

I knew this would be sweet before I read it. I was not disappointed. My fav lines are these, "...But the darkness will fade
And the voices will die.
You’ll step out from your shield
And you’ll learn how to fly..."

I like the lyrical, sing-song rhyming, and the warmth with which your young heart embraced your challenged brother. He's lucky and blessed.

[Ashira Macy]

Thank you for taking the time to review Glitter, I really appreciate it. I think those are some of my favorite lines too. He is a good kid, and always improving himself so I am very proud of him.

[AprilRN1210]

oh my goodness. this gave me chills. you wrote this when you were 15???... wow.... just freaking wow... I love the use of repetition here. It flows brilliantly.. the emotion is so tender, so loving, so understanding and you feel the warmth.. The words are like a lullaby to the soul soothing, stroking, and supporting.. This is absolutely beautiful...

[Ashira Macy]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review! I am glad you enjoyed it. =) It was once meant to be a song, and while I can sing, and write words, I was not gifted with the talent of musical composition. Thank you again my friend!

[AprilRN1210]

you're welcome.. I think it would make a beautiful song.. I cannot compose either and lord knows I can't sing.. but I can appreciate the beauty of both.. :)

[Ashira Macy]

Thanks again. Maybe one day I will be able to collaborate with someone, but for now I am content with it on paper. XD

[Lyan]

This is a great poem to illustrate to others of the difficulties sibilings or relatives may have because at first they are unaware of how to help their loved one(s). I just really liked it!

[Ashira Macy]

Thanks! This one is super old school. Back when Leor was first diagnosed.

[Lyan]

it may be an oldie, but its a goodie:)

[Ashira Macy]

Omg, we are in sync today. You'll know why when you read my other comment. =P

[Ashley Griffiths]

This is a really powerful piece that really resonates with me. Having a family member with autism or any form of mental illness can truly wreak havoc on families.

[Ashira Macy]

Thank you for reading and reviewing. I am glad it has touched you. It was difficult growing up, but I think we all came out stronger for it. =)

[Caleiph Ken'yon Brewer]

In every aspect of gratitude, the forces in this poem captures the poignant reality of families who have loved ones suffering from autism. At the end of the day; It's his life story not the condition that matters most. You are truly resilient and this piece is beautiful. Cheers! Oh and you are a Bay Area poet too, right on, write on.

[Ashira Macy]

Thank you so much for your kind words Caleiph! If I am being honest, it is my brother who is the resilient one. Still brilliant, despite his disorder. Maybe one day I will have the guts to show him this, huh? ;)

[Caleiph Ken'yon Brewer]

Your thought of trying to show him is ambitious, your heart is in the right place, go for it...perhaps sharing the journey is a great start to a wonderful write. Autism and mental health is a focal topic in society these days. I wish you the best.

[Matching Socks]

What a beautiful heartfelt tribute.
I can't imagine so I won't pretend to but you've opened a window to show your readers a glimpse.
Great write Ashira.

[Ashira Macy]

Thanks again Ance! Thankfully now my brother and I are very close, but it wasn't always that way and our family had a lot of heartache. I wrote this so I could empathize with how he was feeling, and it helped immensely. I am so glad you enjoyed it!

[Matching Socks]

Well done. :-)
You did a great job with it.