I Wanna Be a Ho

The original restored Ho with apologizes to those who reviewed (14 wow!) the one I posted after the problems on site.

 

As you walk winding streets that are the café, do you often wonder why some names seem to shine brighter than others do?  Well its easy, many of them are ho’s.  So out of the kindness of my “ho with a heart of gold” self I thought it might be nice share some of my tricks of the trade to help you all out there become ho’s too.

 

First, be willing to ho yourself out to anybody you can. 

 

How do you do this? Do you stand around and wait for attention? No, that’s what street ho’s do! No this is the café, here to be a ho one must do more than that.  We’re high class ho’s here.

 

Send out read requests every single day without let up to every single person on you friend’s list. Bombard them without mercy; it doesn’t matter as long as they look at you, and when they do remember to wink.  Remember, every look is a view and a view means popular, which is what all good ho’s strive to be.

 

Enter contests like your life depended on it.  Remember contests are your crack.  Be a Contest ho.

 

Second, be willing to be hated.

 

Be offensive as long as it gets you viewed. Remember controversy equals popularity, so be as controversial as possible. Write any kind of hate speech you can think of.  Offend people on the basis of race, religion, sex, violence, and lifestyle.  It doesn’t matter if you believe one word you write as long as you get viewed, and like I said before, remember to give them a wink and a smile because you’re going to be popular.

 

Third, if you’ve got it flaunt it.

 

Meaning use everything at your disposal, avatars, and dirty words in your titles whatever you can come up with to draw people in and give what you want. Money? No views baby! Those sweet precious views, because remember a ho ain’t nuthin’ unless they get what they come for…and you’re only here to be popular and bein’ popular means views.  And don’t forget those ratings too.  Don’t settle for a john who only gives you 90% when you get one that is guaranteed to always give you 100% whether you deserve it or not.  It doesn’t matter anyway; it’s all subjective in the long run.  Just get what you can from them and move on the next.

 

Fourth, don’t care if they leave satisfied or not.

 

Be cold merciless and unfazed.  A good ho is an uncaring ho. Just get your views and go. Give nothing back but a wink.  Trust me; they’ll be back, if only because they’re intrigued by you or even because they hate you.  They’ll be back because they always come back. Once you’ve got them they’re yours even if they don’t want to be.

 

A good ho knows how to string a trick along.

 

Fifth, be mouthy.

 

Write things in your notices proclaiming yourself and your work as the best thing there is or ever will be.  Leave yourself open for review…wide open if you get what I mean. Spread yourself around, then lie back, and wait for them to come in.   Then get some of your fellow ho’s and ho-wannabes to pimp you out.  Share the love.  Do the same for them, just not as much.

 

So to sum it up:

 

1. Be merciless; promote yourself to the top of the heap everyday.  So what if there are over 20,000 writers here.  No one said life was supposed to be fair, prove that it isn’t.
2. Never return reviews to anyone.  Just send out requests and get what you can for yourself.  To heck with the other guy.  Why help them get to the top?  That’s where you belong.
3. If you must review do it only to newbies so that you can get double points.  Also friend as many newbies as you can.  They’ll be so grateful they’ll review you without you having to do a thing for them.  Then forget their on your friend’s list and move on the next one.  Sooner or later all virgins learn the tricks of the trade.  At least that’s how it in your book.
4. Remember it doesn’t matter if everyone else here thinks their writing has value. You know you’re the only one who matters.  A good ho will steal a trick from their best friend.  Views are views and ratings are ratings and that’s all that matters in the end.

 

Okay so this was sort of written tongue in cheek, but seriously every time I see certain ones of you promote themselves to this degree I vomit a little bit in my mouth. So please stop or I'm going to be bulimic.

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Siobhan MacIntyre]

Okay, this deserves to have it spelled out: LAUGH MY F*****G A*S OFF! I know EXACTLY who you mean (damn...I've been on the Top list recently...hope it doesn't mean ME! *looking around with paranoia*)

Tongue-in-cheek but spot-on, purely acidic, and straight-up blunt, everything I like in a person and prose. Rock on, sister!

[skote1972]

wow.... LOL

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I'm laughing at Siobhan's review! lol Knowing what a great novelist she is.

[Eclipsing Moon]

So tongue in cheek"yep im getting on that band wagon too..see I read others reviews too.. ahhaha damn funny and merciless..keep writing im reading..Sunshine

[Emcis]

I love the song, "The Stripper." We used to play it in band...oh yeah I liked the writing too!

[KUFU]

You wrote:

"How do you do this? Do you stand around and wait for attention? No, that's what street ho's do! No this is the caf, here to be a ho one must do more than that. We're high class ho's here."

...I crack-the-f**k-up everytime I read this particular line! The whole work is funny though. You have a great sense of humor Blackbird!

[James Watts]

LMMFAO. That's I can say. Funny stuff...brightened my day.

[Gunmetal Sky]

Awesome! Haha. This keeps me remembering why I'm cynical! Because I am. ;]

[John Stussy]

lmao! this had me laughing the whole way through. seen plenty of hos on here, and they can be extremely annoying. well done!

[J. Marc]

Looks very provocative to me! Anyway, it must require quite a creative mind to sort out this kind of story. In any way, it succeeds to attract and retain the attention of the reader until the last word! A performance in itself! Then, bravo!

[papaed]

Straight to the essence! When the cafe collapsed, many began to see the structure as weak or as a game and went off to do their own thing or to another site. I think Charlie was trying to create a site with a game structure that stimulated writers interacting. An experiment. A HO maker. And I have to say that some of you Ho's are extremely creative and fun to pounce on... as the extreme number of satisfied customer's below can attest. I know I'm very satisfied right now with your read.
Although a little honest deserving self emulation is in there too because I had only three readers when I wrote my humorous Cafe Collapse. Thanks Chloe for inviting me here. Thanks Blackbirdsong for an exciting, compelling one minute that even included an ad.