Nightlight

Wrote this for a Take this prompt contest on here, hope you enjoy

I watched the small wheel turn slowly. The blinking lights and carnival tune lulled me into a calm state. The Ferris wheel was an unusual nightlight, one given to me by Ash.  He had known that I had been afraid of the dark, and it had been something that I had only admitted to him. He had given me the nightlight only a week before he had gotten into the car accident. It was the last gift he had given me. That had been almost a year ago and I’m not going to lie; after this long, I expected to feel better. But I didn’t. The pain was still there, and it seemed like it wanted to stay.

We were meant to enjoy senior year together, but I had to do it without him. Don’t get me wrong my friends were great, and if it wasn’t for them I don’t think I would have been able to cope. But walking through the halls of the high school without Ash felt wrong. We had made so many plans because there were so many things we wanted to do this year.

Ash and I had been friends since we were in diapers. Our mothers had been old college friends and they had become closer when they had been pregnant with us. So we spent a lot of time together when we were growing up. He had been my first friend and my first and only boyfriend. You see I’m not the beautiful girl next door type. I’m more of an average looking girl, brown hair, blue eyes a pleasant smile but nothing that turns guys heads. Ash however had called me beautiful on many occasions but I always knew he had been biased as he was my best friend.

I missed talking with him; he always seemed to know how to make me feel better. I knew that he wouldn’t be happy with me skulking in my room all the time. I could almost hear him say, ‘Lou Lou, get your a*s out of bed and go live life.’

With a sigh I got up and turned off the nightlight. I knew I couldn’t hide in here all evening anyway; I had promised to go to a party with my friends. I didn’t really want to go, but I knew that if I refused it would make everyone worry. The doorbell chimed downstairs and within a few seconds my mum shouted up to me.

‘Lucinda, the girls are here,’

I grabbed my jacket off the bed and hurried out the door closing it behind me. I was barely halfway across the landing when I heard a familiar tune come from my room. I went back to my door and opened it slowly, as I suspected the Ferris wheel nightlight was back on and I smiled.

‘See you later Ash’ I said to the empty room and as I closed the door again the nightlight also turned off.

Author's Note

I know there is probably lots of grammar mistakes in there.

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

I watched the small wheel turn (slowly). The blinking lights and carnival tune lulled me into a calm state. The Ferris wheel was an unusual nightlight, (one) given to me by Ash. He (had known that I (had) been afraid of the dark, and it (had) been something that I (had) only admitted to him.) He (had) given me the nightlight (only) a week before he (had) gotten into the car accident. It was the last gift he (had) given me. That had been almost a year ago and I’m not going to lie; after this long, I expected to feel better. But I didn’t. The pain was still there, and it seemed like it wanted to stay.

Try and omit needless words, avoid (ly) adverbs, like the one in your opening line, and avoid the had-hads by using an active voice.

E.g.:

I watch the small wheel turn. The blinking lights and the carnival tune lulled me into a calm state. The Farris-wheel was an unusual nightlight, given to me by Ash. He knew I was afraid of the dark; a secret I admitted only to him. It was the last gift he gave me before his car accident—almost a year ago. I can’t lie. I expected the pain to fade, but it still remains, just as strong, and it means to stay.

This is just a short example, but I hope it can be of some help.

Your story itself conveys the hopeless longing, the pain of loss, and the memories that can haunt very well. It just needs a bit of a touchup and editing. Try and deliver your sentences in concise patterns, omitting as many needless words as you can.

[Briege Havern]

Thanks Jack :)

[Jamie R. Robillard Sr.]

NIce story thanks for sharing.

[Jade Mayhew]

Thank you so much for sharing this! And for writing it for my contest! It's beautiful; I really feel like I can connect with it. Years ago, when I was 17 (god, that makes me feel old saying that), my best friend passed away from cancer. From time to time, he makes his presence known. He'll steal one of my lighters, he'll turn off the TV and then turn it back on. Or I'll even just be sitting there and feel him near me. So I absolutely loved the way you established that same sense of closeness and lingering with the nightlight.

As for the actual nightlight, that was a delightful twist that I was not at all expecting! I assumed (foolishly, I know) that most people would use the Ferris wheel prompt as the actual carnival ride. I enjoyed that you took the object and used it in an unexpected way. That's EXACTLY what I'm looking for with this contest!

Yes, you have grammatical errors in your work; everybody makes mistakes and no one is perfect. I've read this, and I love it (errors and all!), but I would recommend you have someone read through it and edit the mistakes for you. If you'd like, I would be more than happy to help.

Seriously, though, beautiful story, wonderful descriptions. Thank you so much for this!

~Jade

[Briege Havern]

Thanks Jade, and I really enjoyed writing it. The prompt you gave was a lot of fun to work with. I'm delighted that you liked the story, it's the first time in ages that I have written a short story. I would love if you could help me edit it :)