Greetings From Baghdad "Practical Female Decoding"

A light hearted, semi-factual look at Army life from the inside.

 

Howdy friends and neighbors! I would like to share with you a series of letters, written to my parents while I was serving in sunny southern Baghdad.

I noticed all my friends that wrote consistently tended to write solemn, serious commentary. They would explain in great detail the dangers and hardships that they faced daily in the fight to survive on the modern battlefield, seemingly in the hopes of scaring the bejesus out of their family and friends.

I decided to go another route. Using a combination of quick e-mails and letters, I decided to give them the lighter side of army life. Yep I lied a lot. With a little distortion and creativity enhanced by lack of sleep and 140 degree heat, the Greetings from Baghdad series was born.

So now without further ado I present to you…….

 

Greetings from Baghdad where a spousal argument can cost you half of your belongings. Yes that’s right GFB fans, Iraq is a tough place to manage interpersonal relationships with your spouse or significant other. I have lost track of how many times one of my comrades in arms has gotten into a seemingly trivial argument on the phone that has resulted in loss of spouse, car, house, and pride.

 

Why does this happen? Well, there are many reasons. Some of the classic problems are taken out of the equation when a couple is separated by an ocean. For instance there is very little chance of getting in trouble for leaving the toilet seat up. Unless the guy has a REALLY stubborn spouse who refuses to put it down so that she has evidence of his wrongdoing when he returns a year later.

 

I know how mad my wife Brigitte gets when I have left the seat up for just a few minutes, imagine the built up fury of a woman who daily enters the lavatory to se: dum dum dum! The seat up! The irritation would build until the hapless soldier returns home expecting a joyous reunion with his wife, ends up physically assaulted on the parade field.

`I’ve been going to the bathroom at the 7-11 for 12 months you worthless jerk!”

In a word, chilling.

One area that I personally do not get into trouble now is the Laundry Fairy Syndrome. Not much is known about this mysterious creature except that she performs the vital function of picking up all the dirty clothes, and returning them a few days later clean and folded.

 

Now one would think that would make Brigitte happy, but apparently she is afraid that this translucent vixen is after her man. I understand her concern given the fact that I am an irresistible stud muffin who only occasionally blows his nose on his shirt collar.

I can see the anger of a jealous woman in her eyes as she quickly grabs my dirty gym shorts from where I have placed them thoughtfully in the middle of the floor (so the Laundry Fairy can easily find them) and whisk them away before the fairy tart can have the pleasure of handling my sweaty drawers. Now that I am in Iraq she no longer has to deal with jealousy over who cleans my clothes, so there is one less area of tension between us.

 

As you have no doubt surmised I am an expert on women and their motivations, so I have decided to use this knowledge gleaned from years of success (as measured by continued ownership of my car) with the opposite sex, to help men communicate better with their women, and through this understanding, avoid unnecessary communication with an attorney, who might be the only mammal more difficult to understand than a woman.

 

The trick is decoding the female vocabulary. They use many of the same words that men use, however the definitions vary largely. Since my most extensive female decoding experience is with my wife Brigitte, I will use examples from her repertoire to help you the less intelligent and sensitive.

Decoding Observations

Subject: Brigitte

“Fine”

This is a word Brigitte uses to end an argument when she is right and I need to shut up.

“Five Minutes”

If she is getting dressed this can be up to an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes when you have been given five minutes to play a Playstation game before helping around the house.

“Nothing”

This is the calm before the storm. This means “Something” and you should stay on your toes. Arguments that begin with “Nothing” usually end in “Fine”.

“Go Ahead”

This is a dare not permission. DON’T DO IT!!!

“Loud Sigh”

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men.

A “ Loud Sigh” means she thinks I am an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with me over “Nothing”!

“That’s Okay”

This is one of the most dangerous statements that Brigitte can make. “That’s Okay” means that she wants me to think long and hard about how and when I will pay for this mistake.

“Thanks”

This is the least used of all words in the Brigitte vocabulary. If Brigitte is thanking me, I do not question, I just say you are welcome, and back out of the room slowly.

I hope this has been educational!