We Hunters: Chapter 1

 I lay on the soft hot sand, revolver in hand. My ripped jean jacket and torn white shirt made the hot day even hotter but I needed the clothes. If I got stuck out here after nightfall I would freeze so I left it on. I watched the earth before me, sighing. The Worms that lived near my village we had to deal with, were no playdate. The monstrous creatures who haunted our home could crush us at any second; that’s why we Hunters had to keep them out.

 “Kyle Gunstrong!” An elderly man called from behind me. I jumped, turning to study the man. Mr. Finnish’s old age showed in his hair. He had few wrinkles despite being almost 90. I wondered why he didn't have more wrinkles than a normal 90-year-old but he somehow didn't. His suntanned skin also showed how much he’d been in the sun.

 “Yes, sir?” I asked.

 “Keep your eyes open Gunstrong. Look nowhere other than at the earth. Nowhere else.”

 “Sorry sir.” I looked back at the sandy hills.

 “I need you to go on double duty today Gunstrong. Wesley is not able to take the night shift tonight because of a Worm attack. Broke both his legs and can’t preform for the next few weeks. Maybe the next few months.”

 “Robby broke his legs?!” I exclaimed looking back at Mr. Finnish, earning myself a glare though the thin glasses. I stared back at the sand.

 “Yes, Wesley broke his legs. You will need to take over his shifts until I find someone else to take it.”

 “Yes, sir.” Good thing I still was wearing the jacket. I shivered at the thought of Robby’s absents. I usually do hunts with him but now… I would have to work alone. At least until Mr. Finnish finds someone to take his place until he’s back. I overheard the old man’s steps as he retreated to the van he had come in. We stayed stationed about a mile away from the village in every direction. People resided around me about 10 yards apart. We stretched out around our village and just watched for the Worms. We got about 1�"2 attacks a day. It was rare When 3 attacked. Even rarer for no attacks. Worms are just brainless creatures and their main goal in life is to eat us all. Our people have stopped receiving supplies from other villages because of how many attacks we have. When someone comes to us, the Worms attack them first. The whole car of supplies would expend and it wouldn’t help anyone. We’ve just had to grow our own food and take care of ourselves. We travel to get supplies when we most need it. When we're out of gunpowder, guns, and anything that would protect us from the Worms.

 A rumble. The rumble came up about 50 yards ahead of me and was coming closer. A shout from beside me announced that it was a Worm. My heart raced as I heard a thump that sounded like rock hitting metal. We had installed a wall of iron under the earth to keep the Worms out. The wall makes the Worms leap out of the earth and over the wall. A few more thumps proved that the Worm was still trying to dig underground.  We heard a wail from the Worm and the earth ahead parted and a huge dirt encrusted Worm came out of the ground.

 The thing was huge. Worms are about as thick as a school bus plus three times as long. Gunshots came from everyone around me as we all took a shot at it. The huge thing put up a fight as we attacked it but it came to a rest. First Worm of the day. The disgusting thing lay there with its mouth open wide. Worms are blind, but despite not being able to see they can do damage. The gaping mouth seemed to contain a million teeth. The teeth were pointy and sharp. There were layers of teeth, like a shark’s mouth, the teeth came to the throat. A huge truck, bigger than the Worm, drove into it pushed it to the village. We used the Worms for weapons sometimes. The teeth would make great spears and could also help make knives and scissors. Meat of a Worm was distasteful and even the beggars wouldn't want it. The meat was similar to deer skin. When our ancestors learned that they made clothes and blankets out of it. The Worms were helpful in ways but were a hindrance when it came to them being alive.

 The next Worm came at night. It attacked on the opposite side of the wall so I wasn’t there. The cold air seemed to freeze my bones so when the sun rose again, it was a relief. I headed home when Harold came to take my spot. When I reached my village, I made to pick up the food for the day. Our village handed out food for each family. It was more like a family. Everyone knew each other despite being a large village. Everyone tried to help each other. If you worked a job, then you would get more food. If your family was large, you would get more food. There was no currency here. I guess unless if you call trading currency but no matter.

 I plopped onto my worn bed and lay down. It had been a long night. I sighed, rolling over. After laying there for a few minutes I realized that I would not fall asleep. Despite pulling an all-nighter I couldn’t sleep. I flopped over and sat up. Pulling the bag of food I’d picked up earlier over to my bed, I pried it open to inspect the contents. There were 2 apples, a plucked quail, and a hot loaf of bread. I ripped off a piece of the bread and put it in my mouth, savoring the flavor. As I chewed slowly, I glanced around my small house. Almost everyone had a house like mine. At least if there was only 1-2 people living in it. Sometimes families would fit three in a small house like mine but usually three people would get a larger house.

 My home had only one room and comprised mostly clay. The ceiling had some ferns woven into it letting light pass though so I could see. Every family would get only one lantern so we used the sun for the light in our houses saving the lanterns for nighttime. Not having to patch the ceilings as much as normal villages made a living out in the dessert with no rain useful. My house had a bed, a kitchen area, and a bathroom. The bathroom separated from the house by a curtain. You would think we, living out in the desert, wouldn’t have plumping, but we do. We would only have enough for our personal needs though. Each person, when they reach the age of 15, would have 5 gallons of water. If you were younger, you would get 1-2 gallons.

 The home was a mess. My dresser, full of my clothes spewed them out showing bits as pieces of colors. The stove had a few dirty pots, and the sink was full to the brim of plates, bowls, and silverware. The floor was the cleanest thing I owned because I liked to walk around and not trip on things. My messy bed completed the look of my messy but kempt house.

 I struggled to stand and take my food over to the stove. When I reached the stove I sighed. I would now have to clean the dishes so I could eat my quail for dinner. After finishing the dishes, I cleaned the quail and cooked it. When I finished, I set the quail on the table and covered it with a Worm cloth.

After tidying up, I heard shouting from outside my house. Rushing to the door I swung it open and then, realizing what it actually was, I sighed. At first I thought it was a Worm that had gotten past the wall, then I sat the fighting men. They hung in a heap attacking each other. I didn’t know why they were but I didn’t want this fight outside my doorstep. Three men threw punches… no four. Anyway, I jumped out in the middle of them and grabbed the one who was on top by the neck of his shirt and ripped him off the pile. The surrounding people became scarce, and I pulled off another man. The third guy was smaller than the rest but still could throw a nice punch. As I reached for the fourth, he scrambled to his feet.

When he made eye contact with me his eyes went small and he whipped around and darted away. The first two muscular guys with firm features who I knew to be Jim and Rupert Turner, shrugged their shoulders and walked away in a daze. The third, slimmer man, had his nose and mouth covered. He had a hood on and long sleeves despite the hot weather. I didn’t recognize him. He stared into my green eyes and glared at me with the hardest glare I’ve ever seen. I stood straighter in surprise. The man sprinted after the other man.

 ‘Strange. Very strange…’ I thought to myself as I sauntered back into my house.

Author's Note

What did you think?

Reviews

[MightyMouse]

Please don't take this the wrong way. I reread my comment and it sounds kind of mean, I don't mean it that way, some times its just hard to make it sound like constructive criticism rather than just hating on your work. It's also ridiculously long, but I wanted to be thorough. That being said, if I may (Though I really suck at grammar checks) I'd like to help out a little. It sounds great, but could use some sentence reconstruction, and maybe some stronger vocabulary. You really want your writing to paint a picture (I really suck at that, but I'm trying to help any way I can):
Paragraph One-
soft, hot sand (missing comma)
revolver in my hand (adding my helps the sentence flow a little better, when a sentence has rhyming words [sand and hand] while not a bad thing, can interrupt the flow if they are too close together in other words, it sound like a poem rather than a story [this is my personal opinion, you don't have to change it :))
hot day feel even hotter (he feels hotter, the temperature of the day doesn't actually change)
left them on (he was describing how his shirt and jacket both make him feel hotter so, them instead of it as there are more than one item)
delete we had to deal with (expressing that they are "no playdate" and going on to explain that it is the "hunters" job to keep them out lets the reader know that they deal with them without the need to express it)
our home, could (missing comma)
the whole first paragraph seems to lack detail I can understand that your character is a "hunter" and that they have this important job of keeping "worms" out of the city, but it feels like you are rushing to put the information in it. Try to take time to describe the day rather than just saying it is hot, add to what your character is doing (he isn't just sitting for example, he is attentively scouring the land for any signs of the "worms"). Here would be a good place to add your creatures and the "hunters" maybe describe their role in keeping the creatures out. This way you grasp the readers attention (introducing a problem species and your heroes who manage them).
Paragraph Two-
delete the entire sentence/ I wondered why he didn't have more wrinkles than a normal 90 year old but somehow he didn't (this is unnecessary information)
eyes open, Gunstrong (commas always go before the name of the person being addressed)
than the Earth (delete 'at' and capitalize Earth; Earth is a proper noun [the name of the planet we live on] it could be used as a description in which case its fine, also the use of at is unnecessary)
duty today, Gunstrong (missing comma)
through his thin glasses (replace the with his since Finnish owns them)
take them ( there are more than one shift)
Since most of this paragraph is speech, there isn't a lot of detail that needs to be added. Maybe describe who Wesley is and why he is important to the character. I would like to point out that you only need to start a new line for their speech if there are no words between the first person talking and the second. (example; "Hi." I said. "Hello." he answered. These do not need their own lines because 'I said', and 'he answered' are between the different speeches.)
Paragraph Three-
delete the entire sentence "good thing I was still wearing the jacket." (shivering doesn't always mean you are cold and therefore doesn't need to reverence the jacket)
Robby's absence (misspelling)
make the ... into a , (dots usually represent interrupted thoughts, or thoughts that suddenly change. commas are pauses and would fit better here)
change until he's back to while he's gone (personal opinion I think it would sound better you don't have to change it)
change overheard to heard (overhearing would be something he isn't supposed to hear, in this case, it is an observation)
delete the van he had come in (make it his van instead, more flow interrupters)
change 'we stayed' to 'Hunter's posts were' (This introduces your main heroes back into the story)
change 'people' to 'other hunters' (more reintroductions save the 'people' descriptions for the common folk. Try to make your hunters a big deal since your main character is one, they are protecters after all ;))
change resided (not sure what to put here, but resided makes me think of them more as living there rather than doing a job)
when 3 attacked (random capital letter)
change 'brainless' to 'instinctual' (or use both [brainless, instinctual])
delete everything after 'and' in that sentence (instead describe how the worms instincts drive them to eat the people)
Break after last suggestion (this part of the paragraph should be all that is described here. All the stuff about interrupted supply chains should be explained in their own separate paragraph)
Last sentence in this paragraph is a fragment
This paragraph is also rushed. As hard as it is, details are very important.
Paragraph Four-
delete first sentence (its a fragment. If you are going for dramatic, then it needs to be added to so that it isn't)
between sentences 4 and 5 say something about recognizing what the sound is (by doing this, you let the reader know that you will be describing what it is instead of jumping into a description and interrupting [jeeze I use this word a lot] the action-y flow of your paragraph)
I want to say something about your 7th sentence, but I can't seem to put it into words. (pretty much just needs to be moved around. Try rearranging your words and see if you can come up with a stronger sentence)
capitalize Earth
It's getting better. The rushed feeling is still there, though. Really sorry if I've offended you. I do like the concept of your story. It could still be great.
Paragraph Five-
maybe start by saying something like "the size of Worms never ceases to amaze me." (if they are all huge, then tell the reader why he is surprised by the size)
change 'plus' to 'and' (just fits better)
delete 'the teeth came to the throat' (just talk about the rows of teeth rather than telling how far back they go, it's unnecessary information)
This paragraph is good because it tells the reader what the worms are and how they are used and disposed of. It needs to flow better with some more details. It sounds a bit blocky, almost like you are listing or telling the information rather than expressing it. Try to show the reader rather than just telling the reader.
Paragraph Six-
tell the reader who Harold is (example: [Harold, a skinny, brown haired boy with glasses came] or [when a skinny, brown haired boy with glasses, Harold, came] no idea what Harold looks like, but you get the idea)
Try to express the way the villagers treat each other like a family instead of telling the reader it is like a family. The goal of a good writer is to make the reader feel. Any one can list information.
Since I've been reviewing this for over an hour, I'll stick to grammar mistakes. I think I've given you all the advice I can anyways.
made living (delete a)
no rain was useful (add the was, I had to read the sentence twice before I understood what you were saying)
delete 'full of my clothes' replace with 'spewed clothes' (the reader knows the clothes belong to him)
After tidying up (here you need to add that he decided to clean. He said he was doing dishes, but not that he planned to clean up the rest of the house. Annoying people pick up on these things and give you a hard time, you know 'specifics' *dramatic eye roll* I know from experience)
then I saw (not sat)
after no four, add where the fourth came from. Maybe he had been on the ground then hopped back up to join in, or he was under another guy and the main character couldn't see him

Overall rating 80/100
The story idea itself is good. I hope you add to it, and take some of my advice. I'm not a mean person, I promise. I just know that every story is like a baby. Your in what I call the "Bone" stage. You've given your baby a skeleton (got the story on paper) now you need to give it some muscles (details and good descriptions), then skin (all the grammar checks and last minute additions) and when it's all said and done, you'll have yourself a very fine story. Good luck and happy writing.