The Boy on the Train

The Boy on the Train

A Story by Clifford

When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me. He smiled. He had cool blue eyes, close-cropped dark hair, and a slight stubble.
"Hey," he said.
I rubbed my eyes and sat up, looking around the train. The train car was surprisingly empty. "Uh, hi."
He put his arm around the back of my seat. He tilted his head and leaned further in. "I was right."
"'Bout what?"
"When I saw you sleeping there, I figured you would have beautiful eyes." He smiled again. "I was right."
I looked out the window. Wherever we were, it was night. Slowly, I turned back to him. I smiled. "Really?" I looked down for a moment, then back at him. "Say, do you know where we are?" I smiled shyly. "Must have dozed off."
"Just getting into Brooklyn. You aren't late for anything, are you?"
"Nope. Just slept through my stop."
I felt the train slowing to a stop. He looked out the window.
"Hey, what's your name?" he asked.
"Lucina."
"Josh." He watched me for a moment. I could practically see the gears churning. "If you don't have anything you need to do, would you like to get coffee? Then, maybe, go back to my place?" He rested his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently.
I put my hand on his knee and whispered: "Only if we leave now."
His face lit up. He sprung to his feet, taking my elbow and leading me to the door. The doors opened, and he looked at me. "Hey, Lucina, how about we skip the coffee and get straight to the good part?"
"Mmm, works for me. Wanna know my favorite part?"
"What's that, babe?"
"Saying goodbye." I pushed him outside, and the doors closed behind him.

© 2017 Clifford



Author's Note

Clifford
What do you think? I welcome all feedback.

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Featured Review

Correction: slight stubble instead of slightly ;)
It started to get creepy for me until she shoved him off the train. Priceless. You have a knack for humor and administer it well.
Persistent little scamp, wasn't he?
Great story that captures life in actuality.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

4 Months Ago

Thanks for catching that. I'm glad the ending worked for you. I was afraid it was too sudden or just.. read more
Novel Minded_75

4 Months Ago

The ending was great. It's as simple as that :)
You're welcome also.



Reviews

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Zoe
Haha, your short stories are always a treat to read. What a lovely ending that was. So nicely constructed. Well done!

Posted 1 Month Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

1 Month Ago

Thank you, Zoe! I'm glad you enjoyed. Thanks for reading.
Zoe

1 Month Ago

No worries
Despite the brevity of this story, it contains a wealth of imagery. The final neat twist was just what makes a good short story.
Most enjoyable!!

Posted 2 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

2 Months Ago

Thank you, Norman. I was betting everything on the ending, so I'm glad people seem to think it works.. read more
Hah! Nice surprise at the end.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

4 Months Ago

Glad you like the ending. Thanks for reading.
A flash story, but it truly entertained me. Pieces like this will always brin a grin to my face. It gave me a great sense of satisfaction as the ending was very a very fitting one.

Perfectly paced.

Mark.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

4 Months Ago

I'm glad people are seeming to find that ending fitting, or satisfying as you said. It's great to he.. read more
Good to see you're on a roll here Clifford. The punch line was great. I wondered where this was going to end up and as usual, you didn't disappoint. Very smooth execution with clean descriptions helping us to imagine the scene. Great write. :)

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

4 Months Ago

Glad you like the ending. Thanks for reading.
BWAHAHAHAHA!!! This is a wonderful, and in the spirit of honesty, as a woman - extremely satisfying! It is well written: I love "slice of life" pieces that only tell of a single encounter or incident without a lot of descriptive wording that would detract from a perfect piece such as this. I am a fan....

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

4 Months Ago

I'm really glad you commented on slice of life pieces without a lot of extra, unnecessary content. I.. read more
Correction: slight stubble instead of slightly ;)
It started to get creepy for me until she shoved him off the train. Priceless. You have a knack for humor and administer it well.
Persistent little scamp, wasn't he?
Great story that captures life in actuality.

Posted 4 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Clifford

4 Months Ago

Thanks for catching that. I'm glad the ending worked for you. I was afraid it was too sudden or just.. read more
Novel Minded_75

4 Months Ago

The ending was great. It's as simple as that :)
You're welcome also.

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Added on July 20, 2017
Last Updated on July 20, 2017

Author

Clifford
Clifford

MN



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