The Guilt

Screwed!! Big time screwed!! My first words after I reached home post giving my first board exam. Maths, in 10’Th, was my favourite subject which I had high expectations from. Truly said “expectations lead to disappointments.” Not that, that the paper was tough or I didn’t study.  It was just the environment around me. The freaking invigilator and nervousness combined worked well together to help me screw my paper. I could’ve easily hit an A1, but in vain. The reason being, that the staff there, thought we had all time in the world and they could call upon us as and when they please. At first we were made to ‘count’ the number of pages in our answer booklet after the bell when we were supposed to start writing our exam (maths papers are as long as the river Nile ) and then were disturbed for our signatures every now and then ( I felt like a celeb for a second :D) . “Were they sleeping since the last 15 minutes when we were sitting all idle and jobless?!” I thought to myself. I am the sort of person who cannot work when there’s commotion around. I enter into a perplexed state ruining my thinking capacity whose results are always negative.

Anyways there’s no point in discussing the past now. No matter what, it ain’t coming back. The point here is, the effect the first bad board exam had on me. It didn’t take me much time to give up internet, T.V. and all sorts of fun in life. My sole motive was to study and get an A1. A1 had become like my crush whom I badly wanted to get hooked on with! Little did I know that I wasn’t made for it (studying). No matter how much I studied my memory always tried on me. We were like fire and water who just couldn’t meet and go hand in hand. I rooted through sleepless nights, worked hard to achieve my goal, but my mind was still stuck on the first day, unwilling to accept the fact that I screwed my math exam. When I sat with my books, I wasn’t totally there. A part of me was always lost and within a span of 10 days I was done with exams.

Finally on May 26’th 2013 the results were out. My mind, my heart weren’t ready to accept it. It was a 9. It was just unacceptable. I felt guilty because I wasn’t able to fulfil a promise that I had made to myself. The guilt haunted me for months or rather it still haunts me. Now I wonder, what lacked in my preparation that despite so much hard work I wasn’t able to achieve my goals. Well, it was concentration and confidence in myself. Moreover, not everyone can do everything. If that was the case, the world today would’ve been so perfect, without any flaws. Just ANY, or maybe equally miserable, beyond repair! Confidence plays a vital role in achieving success. There’s a direct relationship between confidence and success. No confidence= No success. To succeed in life you must be confident about yourself, your strengths, your weaknesses and constantly try to improve, learn and change for the better.

“Sometimes you need to take time out, out of the big busy world to discover yourself and find the real you. The time that you’ll spend on finding yourself will be the most trying, yet the most beautiful and precious time of your life and you should live every minute of that time, dig deeper into yourself to give birth to a beautiful soul inside and a more confident, wise and a challenging human being on the outside. “