This Fragile, Jealous Heart (Chapter Three)

It was morning now and I was walking out the front doors of the barracks. It wasn't a far walk to the infirmary which was good since it was cold. There was a shower, just for the ladies. I only used it when no one was around since I do enjoy my privacy while I bathe. Luckily, there was shower curtains to separate us ladies from each other. I had heard the men didn't have those so I could imagine feeling uncomfortable without them. It's been two weeks since I've been here and I felt I had a routine now after a week or so here.

I went to my room in the infirmary where I saw some others gathered around the entrance. I suppose, I walked in at a good time but was late since they seemed to be into the meeting. I stood behind everyone and watched as the man in charge whose name escapes me, From the bits and pieces I heard, it seemed that these prisoners were to finish another infirmary within the upcoming two weeks to house injured soldiers who were wounded or hurt in combat. The room was silent besides the man speaking in a harsh tone. Every time he mentioned the words such as prisoner, Jew, gypsy, his voice would get angrier as if he was appalled or offended like they had personally did something to him. My grandmother must have been in the front of the crowd since I didn't see her there. I did see Sofie who was standing some distance away from me. She looked my way and looked back to the man speaking, as did I. I wanted no quarrels with her today since it seemed rather calm this time in the infirmary without tensions flaring between us. 

I went to my room without Metzger being there. I had heard she was assisting another doctor in some different hospital inside the camp. Part of me wanted to figure out what will go on, but the other part of me had suspected something lugubrious and dismal. I didn't make much of it. I was sort of glad to be alone, for once, without her, without Nikolas even. I had gotten the medical journal out and studied it a bit more. I always had a difficult time regarding feet or eyes. Something about eye surgery had made me stomach hurt but feel faint in my chest. I was hopeful I wouldn't have to deal with that while I'm here. I had seen pictures of trench foot from the first war which had horrified me with their toes distorted and soles a dark earthy color though I do understand the situation and grateful that it wasn't me. I will always have a respect for a soldier more than a man who chooses to not give up his life for the sake of others or his country, or even his world. I feel there is a fine line between wanting to do something and the instinct of do something. I hadn't had much thought on this before but I felt at odds with myself while thinking of it. But, I was going to take the soldier out the context. Is there a difference between wanting to do something or being told to? If one is told to carry out something that he is uncomfortable, didn't speak out against it, so he went through, does that make him the villain for obeying a command or would that mean he is a bit curious since since there'd be an official outcome? I wasn't too sure, my thoughts became fogged after contemplating this for awhile. 

I was still tired after an hour or so of being here. I figured it best to get another mug of coffee and continue my studies. But, when I had walked down the stairs and into the lobby area, my heart had sank a bit. I saw him there. I saw Nikolas there with his hand being held by another woman. She also had long, blonde hair but I hadn't thought it was Sofie. I looked down the corridor again to see if I was maybe hallucinating. He standing there, smirking and laughing as if she was  the only one in the room. I knew Nikolas was not mine, but you don't wipe someones tears and fall asleep with them in the same bed like he had done with me that night he had stopped by. I wasn't sure what to do. I looked back again and saw Sofie standing on the opposite side of the room near the table. My heart had sank into the depths of my chest. I was angry and upset at the same time so I figured it best to steer clear of Nikolas for the time being, that b*****d.

I got my mug, my face red and flustered from being jealous. I could never keep jealous within myself well. It was always a even worse time trying to keep it hidden away. I had made a small spill on the table and went to grab a cloth to clean it. Nikolas had walked my way and had said a good morning as he poured a cup for himself.  "Are you okay?" He asked, "Did you sleep well?" He asked, trying to be nice. I pretended I didn't hear him as I had looked out the window to see the frost still covering the corners. "Lyra..." He said. "Hm? What?" I said, rather cruelly than intended. "I asked how you're doing, fraulein." My face was still red, I knew it too from how heated I felt. "I'm well." I said, snark and snide. I didn't want to converse with him or I was going to erupt at  him then and there. I sipped my piping hot coffee some more as he stood there, staring at me like I had hurt his feelings. I shrugged my shoulders and gave a small, sarcastic smile. I walked off and I knew he followed me with his eyes.

I went into my room again and had jumped onto the hospital bed, not caring that this was the workplace and throwing a fit would be childish. I sighed in a winching pain of jealousy and had felt stupid for assuming the worst. I knew Nikolas was not mine, I knew that. But, it was obvious to me that I liked him more than I should've. I should've realized that there was other ladies here that he may have fancied and shouldn''t have fancied him so easy as well. I don't know why I had wanted Nikolas and though he was not mine, I wasn't inclined to share. This woman had completely ruined my day and my time here. The more I recall how her smile, her perfect teeth, full lips were, the more I had hated her when I finally saw her face. For all I knew, she could have been a lovely woman with a pure heart. A woman that may have been the typical brat as a child, demands for love as a teenager and can't settle for a good man if he isn't up to par with what she has in mind on looks. Maybe she was a cold-hearted woman, cold and critical, too analytic, and never joked. I could be wrong about any of it. I probably was.

I was too upset to bother dealing with anyone today. I didn't bother to eat lunch and didn't care to study or anything. I sat there until my grandmother had knocked on the door, letting me know it was time for supper. Dr. Metzger wasn't with me for the day and I was grateful. I could only handle her silence for so long. When she did speak, it was always dismissive. There was moments I had wanted to snap at her for it but I knew her bark and bite was bigger. My grandmother walked in and hugged me and examined my face, observing my red eyes. "Lyra... are you okay?"
I lied to her, saying I was just tired which I guess she forced herself to believe. She was a pushover to be clear. I don't mean it in a harsh way, but she never would persist to know anything or really push to know what was really going on. I guess that's a blessing since it wasn't much to worry about. I suppose she forced herself to believe everything is okay and will be ever since she lost my uncle when he was thirteen. I wish I could allow myself to believe that too but with somethings, you can't just let happen or tell yourself that it's fine when you don't feel like it. 

It was dark out, the moon was already coming into the horizon. We had walked to the gathering hall for supper as light snow fell upon us. I sat at my usual table, alone this time. I lied to my grandmother saying I had wanted a bit of alone time which she didn't like. She asked if I was okay again which I had lied again. Lying made me feel bad inside. I wouldn't say I was a good liar since that wasn't something to be proud of, but I guess I was believable since my grandmother hesitated but said okay as she sat with others. I looked around, sulking in my chair as I watched others start to dine or have a drink. I had a glass of water and tea with a few sugar packets beside my steaming cup. It was warm so I had placed both hands on it, to revive my fingers from the wintry chill. I saw Metzger and she had looked as if she had a long day. Her face was hardened from something and I didn't bother to think why. I saw Sofie, flirting and laughing with a man that she had fancied before. She must have been easily entertained since she was always laughing. To me, the man wasn't that funny but to each their own. I sighed, realizing how pathetic I looked and felt as I sat here alone. I watched Nikolas as he was with that woman again. He looked my direction and waved. I was polite and had waved back as he went through the kitchen to receive his food. When he came out, he had two plates and the lady had one in her hand too. 

He came my way, looking down at me as she looked at me, smiling as if she was letting me in her presence. "May we sit here?" He requested nobly. "Yeah, sure." I turned away, out of my chair with my cup of tea in hand. "No! Haha," Nikolas quickly said. "stay." He smiled. I looked at him, studying him, studying his motives for a moment. I hesitantly sat back down as he had put a chair for her. I slouched again as she had looked at us both, smiling pleasantly. I had immediately disliked her. With how I presented myself, it was easy to tell I was disinterested in conversation with the both of them. I felt as though Nikolas knew I was mad at him in particular. I stared hard at him as he stared at me. "Well... Lyra.." She spoke up. "I'm Ingrid." She had introduced herself with a heavy German accent. She stretched her hand to shake mine and I didn't want to but did anyways. "I've heard a bit about you from Balthide and Nikolas here. You are a nurse, I assume?" She said, nodding her empty head to know more. "I am." I said, subtly bitter. "Oh.. Well, I am one as well." She said, taking my reply to heart. "Is there anything I should know?" She asked, curious but almost stupidly. "It's something you'll have to figure out. We don't do too much." I said. "Oh.." She said again, as if this wasn't going to be work out with her, as if this was the deal breaker. I smiled, sarcastically as we had commenced to finally eating. It was quiet and tense. I ate quietly as Nikolas had scarfed everything down and she chewed as if this was a five star cafe in downtown Berlin or Paris. I looked at Nikolas, a bit hurt that she was here when this was usually our private time to discuss our day or to gossip humorously.

When I had finished, I took my plate and my cup of tea to be washed. I didn't say a word but  I didn't get up abruptly. Ingrid looked at me, puzzled why I got up. Nikolas looked at me too, I could tell he felt bad again. I sighed as I got up and pushed my chair in. This dinner was the most unenjoyable thing I had experienced. It wasn't the food but the companionship. I was honestly hurt at how he had looked at her and how he had spoke to her compared to me. I was jealous and I'm ashamed to say so. I walked back to the barracks and let the flakes of snow cling to my eyelashes and my eyebrows. I swung the door open into the empty, lifeless corridor. I hurried into my room and had gathered a pair of pajamas to wear which was nothing more than light blue silk slacks and button up shirt. I entered the shower stall and placed my clothes somewhere dry. It was somewhat dry but damp enough to wet my socks. Nothing was psychically worse than wearing wet socks and shoes. I showered and the water was unusually warm this time. It felt good since the buildings are usually chilly. I hurried back to my minuscule room after I was dressed with my hair still a mess and uncombed. I saw Sofie walk from the entrance and didn't bother with me. I went into my room and made my way to the window to pull down the curtain so I could light a candle. I did and let the dim light illuminate the room and I had my knees to my chest as I felt stupid for the way I had acted. I did feel stupid. I didn't know the girl and I had no right to call Nikolas mine.... I did want him to be mine. He had compassion and dignity, respect and honor from what I've seen. He was kind to me when no one else was here besides my grandmother and the Kommandant. I sighed to calm myself down and closed my eyes for a long, tiring moment.

At this point, I didn't want to be bothered. I closed my eyes for awhile, falling asleep while I did. I woke up to a noise of the door creaking open... I made out the blurry vision of Nikolas, approaching my bed, his head hanging as he sulked near. He knelt down, taking my hand and I fussed a bit since I wasn't in the mood to be bothered. "I'm sorry..." He said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He began to plead, his hand taking mine to be in his. "I'm sorry..." He kept going. I looked at him with my eyes half closed in a way that, even I knew, looked sad. "I have news..." he later informed. "I'm going to a different camp." I interrupted before he could even say something. "Why?" It was a bit cold on how I said it. "It's not permanently." He said, his speech becoming slurred a bit. I knew he may have had one too many to drink. "It's just for a good week and a half, ok? It's not far from here either. I'm sorry..." He kept saying. He repeated himself and kissed the back of my hand. "Will you forgive me?" He kept pleading, looking up at me as he begged. "If you forgive me..." I said, almost deliberate. "Forgive you for what?" He asked, coming towards me. "For the way I acted. I was no better... I was just... I don't know. I was a bit mad. I mean... that day... you were in my room and-" I stuttered, but he had cut me off. "I know. You don't need to be sorry." He said as he laid his head on my bed, his eyes closed and drift off to sleep. 

"But I am." I whispered to myself.