I Never Meant To.

Unrequited love.

Lying on top of you, all over you, watching something that makes us both laugh once in a while. Comfy enough to fall asleep but I don’t want to. I don’t want to miss one second of this time with you because it’s so rare and beautiful. Time with you is like an endangered species. It makes me so sad, the scarcity of it. I could cry. And I will, later. Because I know I don’t really have it, I don’t have you. This is just for right now. This is all I get.

I control myself like a pro and snuggle in deep. Your warmth is perfect. Your body is perfect but I know you’d argue if I said so. Your hands idly stroke my back, so I think it’s ok to let mine travel too. I dare to let a finger stroke your neck. I’m so damn careful. I’m terrified the pretty picture will shatter somehow. I’ll overstep. I know I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want me to be. I know I should know better. But I still don’t know. Hit me over the head with it, please. I beg you silently.

You just watch the show and now your hand is massaging my neck, going up into my hair, caressing. Oh, too sweet. I don’t believe in heaven, nevertheless this is it right here. I’m pretty sure you’re magic. Everything that’s good and comfortable in the world is right in front of me, in my arms, stroking me (maybe tickling me). And I’m happy, deep down where it counts. It’s the REM kind of happiness. The kind that’s rich and healing and everybody needs. You give me that without even knowing. My heart opens up and I’m scared. I had no idea it was so closed. I had no idea I would love you like this. I wasn’t supposed to!

I said it the third time we were together. I was so f*****g stupid but I wasn’t wrong. I knew it before we even had a conversation. Almost two years later and I still love you. And I’m still stupid. Luckily you have no idea how stupid. As we lie on your couch I make a mental list of all the things I’d do with you, for you, to you. It’s fun. It makes my fingers a little more frisky in their travels, and you respond the way I want you to. I’m smiling now, maybe I’ll try something…maybe that thing I’ve never done before. The courage is so close I can taste it. Oh my dear, if only you knew what you do to me. If only we had more time. If only you felt the same. If only…