You make me look like I sound like I'm crazy
-Crazy = Cute
-Zolof
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Adelaide.
Her pen worked furiously
across the paper. The ink darker in some spots as she pressed down hard.
Words formed on the page, spouting from all different directions of her
mind, but making sense on the page.
She had to get it out.
She had
to get it all out.
Even at
her young age, she was mature, not caring that she was considered weird,
wearing clothes that made her stand out from everyone else in her lame
town, and she was always seen with her lips moving. Sure, it was an odd
sight, and she knew she looked as if she was talking to herself, but
that fact was, music was always on. She never went anywhere without
music. Headphones were always in her ears, playing a variety of music,
depending on her mood.
The
purpose: to keep her mind occupied.
The thoughts, scenes, memories, whatever you would like to call
them, were getting to her. Scratch that, they had already gotten to
her, and she couldn't take it. She wanted to scream, pull her hair,
gauge her eyes out, anything to get the images and words to stop
flashing through her mind.
"Please
stop," she cried.
Tears
fell from her eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she cried, but
now she was bawling, smudging the freshly written letters on the
white-lined paper. Her head was pounding, her sobs getting stuck in her
throat, and her chest heaved. Finally, after two years of enduring the
scenes and words playing through her head, like a slide show, she was
hitting her breaking point.
"For a
human girl, your mind can handle quite a lot."
She spun around in her desk chair, tears
still rolling down her cheeks, and her chest still heaving. Words could
not escape her mouth, as for she was still choking herself with her
sobs. Now, her eyes widened to the size of golf balls, and her chest
tightened.
The man
took deliberate, fluid steps towards her, and knelt down. "You have to
calm down." He placed his hands on her cheeks, running his fingers under
her eyes. "Stop crying," He ordered softly, "And concentrate on
breathing. In, out..."
She
tried, and tried, and tried, but tears continued to roll down her
cheeks. After a few minutes, she had stopped choking on her sobs. Her
breathing slowed considerably, and she closed her eyes, willing the
tears to stop.
"I'm
sorry I had to put you through this, Adelaide." He spoke with true
sorrow.
Her eyes snapped open once more, at the sound of the dark stranger's voice. For a moment, she just stared at him, studying his strong facial features: his jaw was square, prominent cheekbones, straight nose. His mouth was set in a frown; his lips just a little bigger than the average male. Green stared deep into her soul, as she was mesmerized by the swirling yellow flecks around his pupils.
It does make sense. The first paragraph cought my attention pretty well. Great description. You had the me keep on reading, just what was she trying to get out? And what were these scenes that kept on playing in her head?
When it got to the end, I wanted to keep on reading. Is there any chance of writing more? Or is that just it?
Its written well, i tried writing a story off the cuff and it came out a mess lol
I love Addys sense of humour in a strange situation, but I do feel shes a little to trusting of Brendan. But then again maybe shes given up on normal life by now and has been subconsciesly waiting for something like this, based on my personal experience lol, even though I'd rather get a female version of brendan!(Brendwin? Brenda? Brendania?)
Wow, 3 a.m. and a deep piece came to your mind. The only thing in my head at 3 am of anything is sleep or trying to.
Anyways, um, for me to make sense of this I have to know what it was created for. I mean if it's to relate and to reveal something, the last paragraph does kind of thrust the reader in the dark and deep. However, this is for entertainment like an actual story/book, then I would say this is great and the character that entered the setting is a very mysterious character that I'm sure the reader would like you to write more about because my deal is that the girl was feeling that all on her own then suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere.
This described me right off the back, though, I was like this girl is awesome and wondering who she reminds me of. Then I thought of me. Everybody calls me mature, weird, random, I don't know about clothes other than my special brim hat I have, but everywhere I go, I need music. My grandmother always says I'm going to go depth, but bleh, I'm listening to music to listen to her.
Ha ha, anyways, this can make sense in everyway you put it. I complement you dearly for sharing this.
This is a great opening but the reader is left in the dark at the end. It makes sense and I hope you write more on it. I really like what you have got down so far. It'f funny you typed it in the font at 3 a.m. lol. Great.
I really like this, great introduction to something, leaves you hanging because you sort of know what's going on but not quite. The purple made it a little hard to read but I enjoyed it. Great descriptions and I like how you make it intense even though very little action is happening.
It does make sense. The first paragraph cought my attention pretty well. Great description. You had the me keep on reading, just what was she trying to get out? And what were these scenes that kept on playing in her head?
When it got to the end, I wanted to keep on reading. Is there any chance of writing more? Or is that just it?