I Now Pronounce

i sit on my raincoat
and whimper at the drops
hitting slick plastic
as if raincoats
weren't meant for
rain
and as if this is not
why i'm in it
to begin with
my pale hand holds
my head
its constant
companion
because my life is
perfect
but the flaws
are still saught after
and the misery
splashes
from the sky or
my eyelashes
and i wonder how it
all got taken
and turned upon its
head
how the cries were summoned
to buckets
and how we've lead to our own demise
but i'll continue squinting
at these ominous clouds
and wipe droplets
from my pockets
all the while

 

Reviews

[C. Bookman]

Oh I like this. For the most part. The words are nearly perfect, maybe a few tweaks here and there but nothing much.

The line breaks and complete lack of punctuation bother me, however. It's like a run on sentence. Also, some of the lines are too short for their relative importance. I love the single word line, but only when that single word has a very large amount of importance in the poem. Some of yours aren't. I think the only one I really like is "splashes" because it is such an interesting word, and it seems emphasized perfectly. However, "head" is particularly irritating to me. It just isn't important enough for its own line.

Now, I'm a tough critic, and I think this has enough potential and that you have enough potential for this to be a truly amazing and touching poem. That's why I'm being so harsh. It really is quite excellent all around, but it could be a little better, and it won't ever be if nobody criticizes.

Let me know if you edit, I'd love to look at this again! :D