Abduction Part 1: The Assault

A short story, not a long read. ADULT LANGUAGE. Wanted to try my hand at story writing, with a bit of action. Lately I've been mostly writing poetry, so I needed a change of pace

A chilled wind swept through the vacant streets of downtown Highlands, Colorado. Jacob took his nightly stroll home after working his shift at the local bar. His footsteps echoed back to him. Once he realized he could see his own breath waft out from his nose, he turned up his collar in a fight against the cold. It was late September, after all, and although snowfall hadn't reached the city yet, one could tell it had certainly RSVP'd.

Could Jacob have simply chosen to commute to work in his Jeep Patriot? Sure, but after serving time in the marines years ago, he's been stricken with a nagging sense of restlessness.  The ritualistic walk home, with a detour through Washington Park, eased this feeling and kept flashbacks from his time in Iraq at bay. Plus, the 45 minutes of exercise every night gave him plenty of time to search for what he'd lost in his mind.

No one was out tonight, not even the typical youths who would normally hang about, filling the air with raucous conversation and the pungent smell of marijuana. Turning from 4th street onto South Washington Avenue, he noticed the park was unusually dark. Only some of the lamps along the sidewalks were working, and those that shone were exceptionally dim.

"Damn it. Probably a power outage nearby." Jacob thought, annoyed. 

Without having been put on edge, he decided to carry on and follow his normal route. As he neared the park, though, he felt eerily as if he was being followed. He looked behind him, but saw nothing. Then he listened closely to the ambiance. He heard no footsteps. 

"This PTSD thing is getting to you, Jacob." He told himself. "There's nothing wrong, nothing going on. Just a few lights out in the park. You're really gonna get your panties twisted over that? Come on, don't be a b***h."

Nevertheless he was nervous. So instead of going along the paved trail skirting the outside of the park, he cut a bee line straight across it to save time. He put his hands in his pockets, quickened his pace, and lowered his head as he hurried through his favorite scenic shortcut.

"Sergeant always said you were a b***h, remember?" He continued muttering to himself. "What kind of a marine are you if you can't even walk through a park without pissing your pants? Not a good one, I'll tell you tha-"

Someone grabbed him by his jacket, and he could feel the cold steel of a pistol being pressed against the back of his neck.

"Ain't smart to be out by yourself so late." Said a raspy voice into Jacob's ear.

"Look, man, I'm just trying to get home. Got a lot of s**t I'm going through right now, and I don't need this tonight." Jacob said, while raising his hands in surrender.

"Well isn't that unfortunate?" replied the mugger. "Coincidentally, I've got problems too." He dug the gun harder into Jacob's neck. "Money problems. Now give me your wallet and your keys."

"I'm not going to just hand over my money to you!" Jacob replied angrily, while turning around to face his assailant. Feeling like he had nothing to lose, he gathered his courage and combined it with a bitter hatred for the cards life had dealt him. With his left hand he grabbed the mugger by the right arm and decided he'd had enough.

"I'm giving you five seconds to get that f*****g gun out of my face!" yelled Jacob

Surprised, the mugger tried to intimidate him and regain control.

"Listen to me! keep your voice down or I'll blow your goddamn head-"

"Five." Jacob forcefully interrupted him.

"Woaah, you're a hero now, huh?" The mugger chuckled. "Just give me your-"

"Four." Jacob interrupted again.

"Give me your f*****g wallet or a bullet is going to go right through yo-!"

"Three." Jacob began raising his voice.

"F**k you! I ain't goin' nowhere till I get your money!" The mugger replied, losing patience.

"Two!" Jacob yelled.

"Come on big boy. Whatcha gonna do?" The mugger taunted.

"That's it. One!" Jacob shouted.

In an instant he pulled the mugger toward him, striking him in the face with his left elbow. Using his right hand he grabbed the top of the gun, spun it away from himself, and pried it free from the mugger's grip. Simultaneously, he stepped in front of the attacker with his left leg, then pulled even harder on the man's arm. The mugger, still in shock from the blow to his face, tripped forward over Jacob's leg. He tumbled to the ground and landed on his back, looking up at Jacob who was now aiming the gun at him.

"You think you're so f*****g strong pointing your gun at people and robbing them." Jacob said. "Is this what you do? Just go around, find people to f**k with, and take their money?"

"No! I have a baby at home and I just need some cash for groceries! Please, don't shoot me!" The mugger begged.

"F**k you! I don't believe one word of that s**t. Even if it is true, does that make this right in your eyes? I should shoot you. Right here. Right f*****g now!" Jacob screamed.

He had snapped, and started squeezing the trigger. All of his pent up rage was about to be unleashed, and why not? Certainly this poor excuse of a man deserved it. Then, suddenly, another man ran up behind Jacob and struck him hard in the side of his head with a baseball bat. Jacob lost consciousness, fell to the floor, and the gun went off. 

To Be Continued

Author's Note

Wasn't quite sure how to mix up the dialogue bits of Jacob said, mugger said, jacob shouted, mugger shouted, etc. Any advice would be appreciated :)

Reviews

[barleygirl]

This is a compelling story, never was I disinterested. The first section is mostly backstory, then you begin self-dialogue, then the story becomes intense with the back-and-forth between the two. The countdown from 5 is brilliantly done with good suspense & feeling realistic. The story comes alive when this intense action starts. I wonder if the backstory at the beginning could be either cut down or moved to another place, so you could open with something attention-grabbing, intense, & compelling. I'm always in favor of grabbing the reader's attention right away in a story. Description is not the best way to do that. Your ending is nicely crafted & it could be left this way as a short story & the reader guessing, or it could lead to the next chapter of a longer piece.

I think your story is fine the way it is & I'm only presenting ideas for future writing. Here's another one: SHOW instead of tell . . . "Feeling like he had nothing to lose, he gathered his courage and combined it with a bitter hatred for the cards life had dealt him." The preceding line puts a damper on your intense action scene becuz you are telling us how this guy feels . . . you could SHOW us by his body language or facial expressions . . . "he spit in the guys face, imagining it to be the face of his ex-wife" (this is an example using more details to show what it is about his previous s****y life that contributes to his need to lash out at this robber).