An Autumn Poem 2 (Sound)

 

Hearing Autumn

 

Wind whistles,

Howls through the trees,

Yet still reluctant leaves

Cling against its might,

Whirling on the used up axils

Of bending branches,

Rustling, fluttering.

 

Conservatory roofs are timpani to hail,

Tuned to perfection; Thrum, thrum, thrummmm,

Dropping as white peppercorns, on fallen leaves

Which, ice-weighted, no longer rustle.

 

Inside, hearing the splutter

And crackle of leaf and log

Caught in Autumn’s new-lit fires,

The drumming of a dog’s heavy tail

Delights ears, aching whilst returning,

To a sense of feeling.

They listen, aware, hearing

The honk and whirr as skeins of geese,

Fly across a harvest moon,

More orange even

Than the falling leaves.

John Berry

Reviews

[emmajoy]

I love it! Methinks you've added music to all the sounds .. the flow, the rhythm meld into a magnificent anthem and few people can create that.. and you're certainly the master, Mr. JL

So many lines or areas i could select but will opt for these :
Inside, hearing the splutter /And crackle of leaf and log / Caught in Autumn's new-lit fires, /The drumming of a dog's heavy tail /Delights ears, aching whilst returning, /To a sense of feeling.

And the reason for that choice is the inclusion of the drumming of the dog's heavy tail, yes, it's crazy but I know exactly what you mean.. I see the picture you've created with your sounds - leaf and log = splutter + dogs tail = sense of feeling.. WONDERFUL

[Emily Rose]

Oh this is fantastic. You do a wonderful job of mixing the visual and auditory imagery, although (ironically) my favorite lines are the ones at the end - the geese flying across the orange harvest moon - which favors visual imagery over the auditory. It's a little dangerous, I suppose, to end your poem on such a powerful "sight" image since the poem is supposed to be read more for its sound, but I love it that way so I think you should keep it.

All right, this next comment should be taken lightly, because if you decide to do anything with it it'll probably force you to change a lot of the way the poem is written, but you might want to change the wording a little so the very sounds reflect the cacophony of autumn. More alliteration and consonance, perhaps: more harsh syllables that stop the breath - c's, k's, p's, b's, t's etc. You have a lot of this already, but you can never have too much!

Also, I think you have a few too many commas (this could just be my style poking through) - the ones after "peppercorns" (wonderful word choice and imagery there) and after "returning" bothered me the most.

I'm surprised you didn't reference the crackle and crunch of walking through the leaves either, although this seems too obvious and I'm actually kind of glad you didn't use it. I love the description of the hail and the timpani roofs - your description is incredibly fitting.

Once again, my comments are all very nitpicky - this is incredible just as it is.