Into The Depths

This is a short scene based on a writing prompt photo. 8/52

                                  

     

             I was tired. Tired of the shining sun. Tired of the moon, whose light helped guide my floating boat along the sea. But mostly I was tired of living; day after day, doing the same thing just to stay alive. I don’t want you to think that this feeling was one of those rash decisions made during a hard moment, because it wasn’t. No, several days had gone by with this agonizing thought, and this bubbling anxiety that held the truth. I was done.

            That night I stared at the grey clouds swirling around me. In all the days I had floated around, the sky had never looked so beautiful. The reddish tones caught the sun’s rays as day drew to a close. Soon, the battle between the lights would start, and then another cold night would be upon me. Day after day, doing the same thing. That’s all I ever did; row from one spot to the next with no destination in mind.

            I wished in that moment that I were alive when the sandy shores existed, and people had a place on the land. Hundreds of years ago The Great Quake had destroyed everything, and the sea swallowed what it had not. Overnight billions had been killed, and after hundreds of years very few could survive the harsh environment they were born into.

            For days I hadn’t eaten. Instead I considered how I wanted to go. Starving took to long, and to cut myself open... I’d never have the courage. That really only left two choices, either wait for pirates to find me and do who knows what, or jump overboard and swim for freedom until I hit the bottom of the ocean. By then the pressure would have knocked me unconscious and that would be it. No more worry.

            That night as the sun fell across the sky I leaped overboard, feeling the water envelop my body for the first time. I scrambled to right myself, but I had never swum before; no one did. Water rushed at my face, so instinctively I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes as I sank to the depths below.

  My lungs burned, but I refused to let the air loose before hitting the sea floor. Really though, I had hoped not to be able to make the choice. I could feel the pressures push upon my chest like I was trapped under an enormous weight that I couldn't escape. This is it, I thought. Moments later I felt the air escape and I was unconscious.

 

  I heard voices. Strange voices whose accents I didn’t recognize. “Look Martha, she’s stirring.” Who’s Martha, I thought.

            “Sweetie, are you awake?”

           

            “Me?” I said softly. “Am I in the beyond?”

 

            “The beyond? You mean Heaven?” The voice said. “No, I’m afraid you’re not, but close you were if the rescue team hadn’t found you.”

            I opened my eyes to an older woman who was standing in front of me. Her white gown had a red cross in the corner and over her blonde hair she wore a matching hat. Her green eyes looked gentle and soothed my immediate reaction to run. Under the white blanket, wires and tubes ran from my chest and arms into strange machines I hadn’t seen before. I soon became aware that I wasn’t wearing any clothes under the sheet that covered me.

            “Where am I? Where are my clothes?”

            “You were soaking. We had to cut them off you. To answer your second question, well that’s a bit tougher. You are in the City Of Zion.”

 

            “I have never seen a city before.” I laid back and stared at the roof. “Oh my!”

            The roof was made of glass and I wasn’t ready for the sight I beheld. Bright lights shined across the water. I gasped so hard I chocked on the air. Fish glowed in brilliant iridescence, along with other creatures I did not recognize. “Where is this place?”

            “You my dear… you are in the only underwater city that exists in the whole world.”

 

 

 

            

Author's Note

This is just a writing prompt scene. Hope you enjoy. Also, I did not create this photo. It is owned by the person who made it and a simple Google search for writing prompts is how I found it.

Reviews

[S.M. Melling]

Really great title and a very interesting story overall. I noticed a few things about spelling and word choices you might want to consider.

"That night as the sun fell across the sky I leaped overboard ..." I might consider changing leaped to leapt. I do think both can technically be used, but in my opinion leapt would look better. So It's something to consider.

"I scrambled to right myself, but I had never swum before ..." another example you might want consider would be swam.

"and arms into strange machines I hadn’t seen" I would change machines to devices. While the others could be viewed as personal preference, I think devices as a word would work better for conveying the main character's confusion regarding the scene she woke up to. The implication I got is that she's not familiar with the machines, so she might not be familiar with machines in general. Food for thought.

Finally. “I have never seen a city before.” I laid back and stared at the roof. I would consider swapping laid for lay. Again, it might not be necessary, but aesthetically I like it more, so you might want to at least consider it.

All in all a fantastic story, paced well and woven beautifully into the image that inspired it.

[Shannon]

Interesting turn of events. I like the story telling. The hopeless, the rescue, then the city. Nice flow.
I would suggest you review a bit to simplify some of the wording. A couple of examples are:
"No, I’m afraid you’re not, but close you were if the rescue team hadn’t found you.”
“You my dear… you are in the only underwater city that exists in the whole world.
Overall, a nice read.

[James Whitefall]

I was trying to come out with some sort of accent. Apparently it didn't come out as I had planned. Thanks for the feedback. Have you posted anything you want me to take a look at?

[Shannon]

I maybe missed it, not to say others would, as well.
I always welcome some feedback on whatever piece you would like. Newest one marked as mature for language and realistic verbal abuse. Not sure if that will send you there or keep you away.