An Open Letter to the Father Who Couldn't Love Me Anymore

It's been so long since you abandoned me, Dad, but people still ask about you. Most want to know how I'm doing without you, but sometimes they'll ask how you are and I'm forced to admit I have no idea.

I don't get too upset by the questions. But even if I refused to speak about you for the rest of my life, I'll never be able to forget the morning you left.

I woke up and my whole world was gone. 

At first, I actually thought you were dead. Weird, right? What kind of father leaves their child wondering that? 

And even with all of that, I don't hate you. You are my dad. Even if that's the only "are" we have left. 

Maybe it's because you were a great dad. Growing up, you were my superhero and my teddy bear, always there to fight off my bad dreams. 

You were my pillow when my heart was broken, my motivator when school got hard, and the one who kept me going.

 

You were my heart, my happiness, my absolute everything. I hope you feel the emotions behind these words because you genuinely hurt me.

Because other people don't ever get it. They say I should be happy that you weren't a deadbeat my whole life. And, I am thankful for the times when we were close, but that doesn't mean I don't ache over you every day. 

I wish I could forget the day you chose to leave, but it's burned into my memory. My life has never been the same. 

I try to stay positive. I don't want to be bitter, but it's so damn hard. 

Why did you break my heart? There was no logical reason. Many parents don't live with their children, some get divorced and remarried but they still stay in contact. Why did you have to just abandon me? 

Something in you changed and took my Dad away. Maybe it was unresolved pain or depression. Maybe it was pure selfishness. Whatever the culprit, I hope you overcome it someday. 

I hope I'll be able to understand one day, mostly for my own sake but also for yours.

Yes, sometimes I scream that I hate you and will never be okay, but I know I will be. I don't really hate you. You've done something I don't think I will ever forgive, but I'll always love the person you used to be.

I hope you find happiness because I don't hate you. Our relationship is marked by things you used to be, but you are always going to be my dad, that will never change. 

Next time I see you, I hope I see something different in you, a smile or some confidence. Something I can't see now. And if I don't ever see you again, I hope you love your new life, Dad. 

Because I am your daughter and I will never stop loving you. Even if you stopped loving me.

Reviews

[Erudite]

I grew up without my dad being around, so I do understand how you feel. Some people say you should be happy he was around for a while before he left? I don't think so. I think it must be SO much harder to have to lose your dad when you're 18 and deeply attached to him, than to lose him when you're so young you barely even remember. You have a strength in forgiveness that I don't, though. I'm still angry and almost hateful toward my dad for never being there for me, so I have a great respect for how you still love him and you still call yourself his daughter. I, for one, really enjoyed reading this. The flow is really good, it could be improved slightly in parts, but the grammar needs more work. Not that it's badly written or unreadable or anything, but if you're wanting to improve it just for your own satisfaction, grammar is probably where you'd want to start. For example, the line " Weird right, what kind of father..." seems like it should probably be two sentences. (Weird right? What kind of father...) Any-hoot, very good letter :)