Razorback

A Poem by Spectral Dust

A funny story for pig lovers

A cautionary tale for children and adults alike.

My name is not Mary, Sue, or JACK!
I'm a pig known as RazorBACK!

And I've come here to SAY,
We pigs are here to STAY!

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Okay, kids, gather around, I have a little story to tell. Now I'm sure all you smart kids know what a pig is, right? Well, that's what this story is about: PIGS. Do you know what a Razorback is? They are pigs that roam free in the wild, like vicious dogs, looking for something to eat, like maybe a root or a small child. I don't want you kids to be scared, but these wild pigs can get to be pretty big; sometimes as big as the safe, warm bed you sleep in at night. And they can be so hungry that not even a mommy or daddy can protect their child when they attack! But there's no reason to be frightened, because if you are nice to them they probably won't gore you with their very long razor-sharp tusks. Do you know what a tusk is, kids? It's like a giant tooth that can poke right through things, like a leg or arm of a little boy or girl.

Now kids, it's my job as a responsible adult to tell you, that you don't have to be afraid of these wild, garbage-eating beasts. So what I did is write a cute puppet show about a hunter named Hunter John. (I don't have any puppets, so you'll have to get your own.) Hunter John is a happy hunter, walking through the woods looking for a pig to kill. In the end, he finds a pig to shoot, and it's a very happy ending.

Okay, kids, are you ready? Here we go...

"La de do dah DAY, I'm a hunter,

just looking for a pig to SLAY.
Hum de do day HACK,
I'm going to shoot me a RAZORBACK!"

Then Hunter John did DECLARE,
"You THERE, in that LAIR!
Come out NOW, or you're a dead SOW!"

"Please don't SHOOT," said the sow,
I'm just eating a ROOT!"

"That's a lie!" Hunter John SPAT,
you're too FAT to be eating just THAT!"

"Please, please, Hunter John," the old sow CRIED,
won't you let me run and HIDE?"

"Surely you jest," Hunter John SAID,
you're as good as DEAD!"

"Oh, dear, oh, MY," Razorback did CRY,
"it looks like I'm going to DIE!"

"Of that there can be no DOUBT, you four-legged SNOUT!
Eat your last ROOT, 'cause I'm going to SHOOT!"

Just as Hunter John was going to pull that TRIGGER,
Razorback cried, "He's going to cook me for DINNER!"

But before the shot rang OUT,
Razorback snorted a big SHOUT!

Then Hunter John gasped when he did SEE,
three more Razorbacks step from behind a TREE!

It was then that Razorback angrily SAID,
"Now YOU'RE the one who's DEAD!"

Hunter John swallowed hard, and took two steps BACK.
Then he begged, "Please, don't hurt me, RAZORBACK!"

The four angry sows snorted, oinked and GRUNTED,
then one sow said, "How does it feel to be the HUNTED?!"

Hunter John screamed, "Please, I don't want to DIE!
My wife and four kids will CRY!"

Then one sow did DECLARE,
"We have kids too, but you don't CARE!"

Hunter John was trapped, so he dropped his GUN,
then he turned and started to RUN!

But the wild pigs were fast on their FEET,
and surrounded John COMPLETE!

"This is my last day!" Hunter John DEPLORED.
"Oh, poor me! I'm about to be GORED!"

Then the pigs attacked him, one by ONE,
and ate him slow, just for FUN.

"Yum, Yum, Yum," the Sows did EXCLAIM!
That hunter John sure was tasty GAME!"

With their bellies full, the sows waddled AWAY,
as one sow gleefully said, "What a wonderful DAY!"

Hunter John's family were all in DREAD,
for they feared, dear John must be DEAD!

They looked, and looked every place they COULD,
but found only the gun where he once STOOD!

The kids all screamed and CRIED,
"Now we know our daddy has DIED!"

Mommy was sad too, for her heart did REND,
as she protested, "This is such a horrible END!"

Now I'm going to tell you the moral of the story, kids. Do you know what a moral is? It's like a lesson that reminds us how to be nice and good. And the lesson here, kids, is always be nice to pigs, because they can tear the arms and legs off your tender little bodies, if they want to. Now I know you think I lied to you when I said this story had a happy ending, but I didn't. It DOES have a happy ending--FOR THE PIGS! Why do I care so much about pigs? you might want to KNOW.

I tell you simply, because you are my FOE!

My name is not Mary, Sue, or JACK,
I'm a pig known as RAZORBACK!

And I've come here to SAY,
We pigs are here to STAY!

Ha! ha! ha!--Oops--I mean, Oink, snort, grunt! Oink, snort, grunt! Oink, snort, grunt! Oink, snort, grunt! Oink, snort, grunt! Oink, snort, grunt!