Fever

Yearning, insomnia and fever

The hardest test for a true believer

Fever inside as the skin is burning

Fever in my heart for I am yearning 

Yearning for the gentle touch 

not much I gain, though I gave so much 

for arms surrounding the well shaped waist

Yearning I must devour and turn to hate

Insomnia now I must dwell

Awaken I endure the heat of hell

All for pride, for my face to save

All to break free from what you enslave 

I find myself again at a dead end

without the love I wanted, without a friend

with insomnia that keeps me awake till dawn 

Fever and yearning I dwell on my own 

Author's Note

Reviews are welcome

Reviews

[Alira]

You know, many times we start writing a poem a particular way and then we stop. Days pass, months, maybe even years pass, and then we take another look at what we wrote. The great thing about poetry is that it's never finished. You can always change something. On that note, I hope you don't mind a critique on this piece of yours. I'm surprised by the views it's gotten but it lacks in the reviews.

When you say "The hardest test for a true believer", are you referring to yearning, insomnia, and fever? Or just fever? Whatever you refer to, why is that "the hardest test"? A "true believer" of what? There's so many questions that are unclear that arise with that one line. If you can answer those, some of the confusion can be cleared up. The third line in the first stanza, I'd cut.

In the second stanza, you bring in the "gentle touch" and I really wish that I could feel that, as a reader. Use similes and metaphors! Use figurative language! Move away from the denotative language. Throughout the piece you're telling me all of this instead of showing me. I'm not transported anywhere because the ideas are all too vague. The only part that I actually get invested in the speaker (who, I'd suggest, should be introduced earlier) is the very last stanza--but by then, it's too late. It's a brief connection with the speaker that I wish was brought up earlier and expanded upon.

Also, punctuation is your friend! Use it (especially in "Yearning I must devour ..." -- are you referring to devouring the act of yearning or devouring something else) because it clears up confusion.

I hope you didn't mind my words; hopefully I wasn't too harsh. =) I know I personally like a serious critique on my work as well, so I try to do the same for others.

[M.Kilani]

Thank you for your review Rahab, I don't find it harsh as you said, I actually find it honest and intriguing.
You pointed out the relatively high number of view and the fact that this poem had no reviews except for yours, which is easy to explain; well, this is not my best piece of writing, and it wasn't meant to be published here in the first place, I personally think of it as my second worst attempt to write, and I remember writing it using a mobile phone in bed shivering, but that's not an excuse for a bad writing.
I second your opinion regarding how vague this poem is, it lacks the personal touch, imagery, foregrounding and back-grounding as well, and most of all it lacks the message, it was the first time I write about physical fatigue though.
Normally I write in a way that puts the reader in my boots yet gives the reader the choice to interpret the words as it fits him/her.
I apologize if this was your first encounter with my poetry, and I promise that you'd find better lines if you thumb through other pieces, those other pieces may clear up some of that confusion.
Thank you again, I really appreciate your review.
Mohammad.

[Alira]

Hey, no need to apologize!!! I just don't believe in worst attempts, not when one's got the talent. I've skimmed through a couple other poems of yours, and although those are well written, I think there's a lot here that you can work with. If I can help you in some way to turn this into what you think it could be, why not? Right? But yeah, I'd be interested in seeing where "Fever" goes. Good luck!


Rahab.

=D

[M.Kilani]

Please do me that honor, I would love to see the outcome of that. I'm not really good describing physical pains or situations, perhaps you could rewrite this poem to create something better. Now I am interested in seeing where "Fever" goes.
Keep me posted, and thanks again.

Mohammad.