A lovers tale

A Story by BlakHeart

A story of a genius girl and delinquent boy

"Can you believe it we're finally graduating" Scarlett said as she held my hands tightly and resting her head upon my shoulders. She's tired from all that what has happened the past few months but it was all worth it for all her efforts. She has been accepted to one of the most prestige school in the country and even got a scholarship because of all the awards that she gained this year, and me? I was just lucky enough to even graduate, she gave me the strength to push forward and finish this year cause we promised each other that we'll graduate together.

"I'm breaking up with you" I said in a cold manner. She giggled childishly and squeezed my hand lightly "Don't make such silly joke" her voice was sweet and mischievous but somehow bares a slight tone of pain "I'm not joking" I replied. She lifted her head and looked at me in the eye. Her eyes that was dark as the night that bears pain and sorrow as always was still beautiful like the galaxy that is filled with glittering stars, her lips formed a faint smile, it was so sweet yet at the same time filled with sorrow but it was the realist one I've ever seen

"Why are you still keeping up with me? Why do keep on staying by my side when you can do what ever you want, you can be who you want to be, you can go to higher place where you belong, and I'm just gonna be stuck here, here in this same old town" she didn't say a word but the tears that fell from her cheeks says is all, it was all so painful for her, she loved me with all of her heart and I love twice as she does but I'm doing this for her own good, I'm just anchor that will hold her back while she should be out there in the ocean doing an amazing voyage to fulfill her youth.

I couldn't stand watching her cry in pain because of me, so I pulled my hands and left her there. A few steps away from her felt like worlds apart but the distance between us shortened when I felt her hand holding my hands.

I turned around and I saw her looking down and tears are dripping down her face like she's a perfect storm. She tried her best not to cry while she wiped away the tears that kept on falling from her eyes. Moments later, she lifted her head and gave me a sweet smile, yes she was smiling despite of her messy hair and wet cheeks, but she was still so beautiful looking like that.

"I want you to be my side while I go to those high places, I want us to reach them, I want you to be by my side while we reach for the furthest start, I want to be with you" she cheerfully said as she tried her best not to cry

"Can't you understand? I'll be holding you back, I'll be just an anchor that will stop you upon your voyage"

"But I can hoist you up, you don't always hold me back, remember, the ship doesn't move forward unless the anchor is hoist up"

"Can't you see? Your like a glittering star in the night and I'm just a lone cloud"

"Does it really matter? You know that I love you and I know you love me and that's enough to go forward"

"But you won't be able to achieve wondrous things in life if I'm with you"

"But I don't need all those achievement,and going to all those amazing places won't make me happy at all!"

"Then what will make you happy?"

"You! You stupid jerk!"

I was silence by her words, it wasn't because I was offended but it just hurts me to know that her happiness can hold her back on achieving so much in life.

"Do you think that if you broke up with me now I could get over it after just a few month? Or a few years? Do you really think that if I let you go and achieve wondrous things I could be happy and by that I could forget you all of a sudden?"

I looked down at the floor, I don't know what to say, I want to hug her, to wipe away her tears and kiss her forehead, but I couldn't, I can't move, I was frozen. I felt numb, I felt weak.

"John all my life I've been always studying and I had made a prediction in my life that 20 years from now I'll be living alone with a bunch of cats, but when Mylen introduced me to you I knew that something was special between us even though I never really believed in love at first sight nor to love itself and you know that. You know that when I was a little girl I always dreamed about meeting a guy who'll love me and will accept me for who I am but I stopped cause I thought it was never gonna happen, but you came into my life and I see a future with a man I love"

She paused for a while because she was trying to hold back her tears, but she couldn't and cried anyway.

"You made me believe in love and then what your just gonna leave me here hangging?"

I couldn't answer, I can't even look straight in her eyes, I can't bare to see her crying and falling a part. I know I may sound like a jerk for leaving her at the edge of the cliff but this is for her own good, I'm doing this for her.

"Am I not enough?"

"No its not like that"

"Did you fall out of love?"

"No I didn't, you know I love you so much"

"Then what the hell john?!"

"Tell me please, tell me what's wrong, I'll change, I'll do everything for you just so you stay by my side"

"Please don't make this hard for the both of us"

She was crying so hard right now,looking at me with pain and confusion. She covered her face with her hands and cried and cried, I hate myself for causing her this much pain, for breaking her much more.

I move closer to her and hugged her as tight as I could but she didn't respond, she just kept on crying. I pulled away and removed her hands from her face. She resisted but I was stronger so I manage to remove her hand from her face, she looked away from me but I gently tilted her head towards me and I looked straight into her sorrowful eyes and wiped away her tears.

She gently smile at me, those precious smile, I want them to stay on her face, I want to treasure it forever, I want that smile to last a lifetime, a smile so real and all so sweet, a smile I promised not to damage. I wish it will remain in her face as long as she live.

I then on gently kissed her forehead, she liked it when I do that, she said that she felt like a princess when I did that to her but little did she knew that she is a princess wheater I kiss her on the forehead or not. I sensed her smile grew bigger that the one she had before. I wanted to see it but instead I hugged her tight. I could feel her closing her tiered eyes.

After that long hug, I gently pulled away from her but stopped when I reached her ears and whispered softly "I'm sorry" I moved away and looked at her, her face didn't register any emotion, she was just looking at.
I held her face like it was the most precious thing that I've ever seen, by that her face light up, in return I gave her smile and then with the final glance I left her without looking back.

© 2018 BlakHeart

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JayG

Forgive me for being a bit abrupt. It’s late and this is one of the few times I can sit at my keyboard this month.

• "Can you believe it we're finally graduating" Scarlett said as she held my hands tightly and resting her head upon my shoulders.

This makes perfect sense to you because you have context before you begin reading. But what about the reader? For them, someone they know nothing about is asking someone not introduced if they can believe that graduation is here. But… graduation from what? Yes, you mention scholarships a few lines later, but you can’t retroactively remove confusion.

We don’t know where and when we are. We don’t know what’s going on. And, we know nothing about the people involved. What gender is the speaker? Unknown. And, 761 words pass before we learn that, on the fourth manuscript page. Why wait that long to find out our gender?

Are they lovers? Friends? Without knowing their age we cannot even guess.

What you’re doing is viewing the film version in your mind and telling the reader what’s happening on that screen, as if they can see what you see. But they can’t.

• She's tired from all that what has happened the past few months but it was all worth it for all her efforts.

Here you switch from past to present tense, something you do often. Pick a tense and in the narration, stick to it.

But of more importance, this is NOT John living the scene. This is the narrator wearing makeup and pretending to be John at some later time, talking about what happened. That is NOT using first person viewpoint, only first person pronouns.

My point is that your reader isn’t seeking to know what happened, presented as a report by a voice they can’t hear—which means it has no trace of emotion, other than what the punctuation suggests. They want to be made to live the scene and BECOME the protagonist, living the story as the protagonist, not someone who is talked about by someone not on the scene. Remember, the protagonist and the narrator live at different times, and so, cannot be on stage at the same time. And which would you prefer, to read a report of what happened or live the adventure?

Readers come to you seeking to be entertained via an emotional experience. They are not seeking an informational experience, because in reality, what matters to the protagonist, in the moment they call now, is what matters to that reader.

You tell what happens, but we know nothing about how the protagonist feels in that moment. And that matters a great deal. For example:

• "I'm breaking up with you" I said in a cold manner. She giggled childishly and squeezed my hand lightly "Don't make such silly joke" her voice was sweet and mischievous but somehow bares a slight tone of pain "I'm not joking" I replied. She lifted her head and looked at me in the eye. Her eyes that was dark as the night that bears pain and sorrow as always was still beautiful like the galaxy that is filled with glittering stars, her lips formed a faint smile, it was so sweet yet at the same time filled with sorrow but it was the realist one I've ever seen

First, dialog that would end in a period gets a coma, not just close quotes.

Next, a new speaker means a change of subject and so, a new paragraph.

But look at this from a reader’s viewpoint: These people are apparently romantically involved, and the girl assumes this will continue. But John, for no reason we know, coldly says he’s breaking up with her. How can he be our avatar if we don’t know how he feels about it? Unless we know his mood and what he hopes to accomplish this is meaningless, just data on what can be seen.

And when he insists that he is breaking up she simply looks sad. How realistic is that? Were it happening to you wouldn’t you frown and say, “What?” Wouldn’t you show confusion? Wouldn’t you wonder if you heard wrong, and show that by expression and conversation? Of course you would. But she’s not reacting. Instead, you’re assigning her sad expressions for dramatic purpose. How real can that seem to a reader?

My point is that you’re telling the story as you see it, from YOUR viewpoint. First or third person make no difference, because in both cases someone not on the scene is talking ABOUT it, from the viewpoint of a reporter, so you’re informing when you should be involving the reader. You want your reader to care, not just know. And that takes an entirely different way of approaching the act of writing.

Were you and ten other people, chosen at random, to go into a strange house, look at anything you cared to, and then write a report of what you thought the owner was like based on that, you’d get eleven different reports because each person would focus on different things, and interpret them, based on THEIR background. That’s viewpoint. And your protagonist is, and must be unique in how they look at things. It’s why we like some characters more or less than others. It’s not so much what they do, but what motivates them to do it, and how they react. This article demonstrates that the way the protagonist views something produces a very different feel in the scene being read.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

Without the protagonist’s viewpoint it’s a report, not a story. I wish there were some easier way to say that, and perhaps there is, but I’ve not found it. But it is a problem you share with all hopeful writers, so in reality, it’s annoying, but no big deal. And of more importance, the solution is simple, though not easy: just add the tricks of the fiction writing trade to your toolbox. The not easy part is that any profession requires time, practice, and study.

My personal suggestion, as it so often is, is to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. Read it slowly, with time spent practicing each point as it’s brought up, so as to do more than just nod, and forget about it a week later.

It’s no easy task. But it is well worth the effort. So give it a try. And as always, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 5 Years Ago

Forgive me for being a bit abrupt. It’s late and this is one of the few times I can sit at my keyboard this month.

• "Can you believe it we're finally graduating" Scarlett said as she held my hands tightly and resting her head upon my shoulders.

This makes perfect sense to you because you have context before you begin reading. But what about the reader? For them, someone they know nothing about is asking someone not introduced if they can believe that graduation is here. But… graduation from what? Yes, you mention scholarships a few lines later, but you can’t retroactively remove confusion.

We don’t know where and when we are. We don’t know what’s going on. And, we know nothing about the people involved. What gender is the speaker? Unknown. And, 761 words pass before we learn that, on the fourth manuscript page. Why wait that long to find out our gender?

Are they lovers? Friends? Without knowing their age we cannot even guess.

What you’re doing is viewing the film version in your mind and telling the reader what’s happening on that screen, as if they can see what you see. But they can’t.

• She's tired from all that what has happened the past few months but it was all worth it for all her efforts.

Here you switch from past to present tense, something you do often. Pick a tense and in the narration, stick to it.

But of more importance, this is NOT John living the scene. This is the narrator wearing makeup and pretending to be John at some later time, talking about what happened. That is NOT using first person viewpoint, only first person pronouns.

My point is that your reader isn’t seeking to know what happened, presented as a report by a voice they can’t hear—which means it has no trace of emotion, other than what the punctuation suggests. They want to be made to live the scene and BECOME the protagonist, living the story as the protagonist, not someone who is talked about by someone not on the scene. Remember, the protagonist and the narrator live at different times, and so, cannot be on stage at the same time. And which would you prefer, to read a report of what happened or live the adventure?

Readers come to you seeking to be entertained via an emotional experience. They are not seeking an informational experience, because in reality, what matters to the protagonist, in the moment they call now, is what matters to that reader.

You tell what happens, but we know nothing about how the protagonist feels in that moment. And that matters a great deal. For example:

• "I'm breaking up with you" I said in a cold manner. She giggled childishly and squeezed my hand lightly "Don't make such silly joke" her voice was sweet and mischievous but somehow bares a slight tone of pain "I'm not joking" I replied. She lifted her head and looked at me in the eye. Her eyes that was dark as the night that bears pain and sorrow as always was still beautiful like the galaxy that is filled with glittering stars, her lips formed a faint smile, it was so sweet yet at the same time filled with sorrow but it was the realist one I've ever seen

First, dialog that would end in a period gets a coma, not just close quotes.

Next, a new speaker means a change of subject and so, a new paragraph.

But look at this from a reader’s viewpoint: These people are apparently romantically involved, and the girl assumes this will continue. But John, for no reason we know, coldly says he’s breaking up with her. How can he be our avatar if we don’t know how he feels about it? Unless we know his mood and what he hopes to accomplish this is meaningless, just data on what can be seen.

And when he insists that he is breaking up she simply looks sad. How realistic is that? Were it happening to you wouldn’t you frown and say, “What?” Wouldn’t you show confusion? Wouldn’t you wonder if you heard wrong, and show that by expression and conversation? Of course you would. But she’s not reacting. Instead, you’re assigning her sad expressions for dramatic purpose. How real can that seem to a reader?

My point is that you’re telling the story as you see it, from YOUR viewpoint. First or third person make no difference, because in both cases someone not on the scene is talking ABOUT it, from the viewpoint of a reporter, so you’re informing when you should be involving the reader. You want your reader to care, not just know. And that takes an entirely different way of approaching the act of writing.

Were you and ten other people, chosen at random, to go into a strange house, look at anything you cared to, and then write a report of what you thought the owner was like based on that, you’d get eleven different reports because each person would focus on different things, and interpret them, based on THEIR background. That’s viewpoint. And your protagonist is, and must be unique in how they look at things. It’s why we like some characters more or less than others. It’s not so much what they do, but what motivates them to do it, and how they react. This article demonstrates that the way the protagonist views something produces a very different feel in the scene being read.
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

Without the protagonist’s viewpoint it’s a report, not a story. I wish there were some easier way to say that, and perhaps there is, but I’ve not found it. But it is a problem you share with all hopeful writers, so in reality, it’s annoying, but no big deal. And of more importance, the solution is simple, though not easy: just add the tricks of the fiction writing trade to your toolbox. The not easy part is that any profession requires time, practice, and study.

My personal suggestion, as it so often is, is to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. Read it slowly, with time spent practicing each point as it’s brought up, so as to do more than just nod, and forget about it a week later.

It’s no easy task. But it is well worth the effort. So give it a try. And as always, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100

Irenic

It is a beautifully written sad story in which insecure boy leaves the charming girl. The story is worthy to read because it is too vivid. The way you have described the beauty of a girl is too captivating and let the brain t draw her image.
These lines are:
"Her eyes that was dark as the night that bears pain and sorrow as always was still beautiful like the galaxy that is filled with glittering stars, her lips formed a faint smile, it was so sweet yet at the same time filled with sorrow but it was the realist one I've ever seen" are awesome.

Starting is very captivating that let you to read a whole story.

Your story is worthy to read. Keep writing. Thanks for sharing:)))))