To Be a Man

Another Pantoum Poem for a contest

To Be a Man

I must be strong

And do what I can

To right every wrong

I must be strong

As steadfast as stone

To right every wrong

I do it alone

As steadfast as stone

Bedrock of calm

I do it alone

My family’s balm

Bedrock of calm

Kind as a saint

My family’s balm

Without complaint

Kind as a saint

Work like a horse

Without complaint

As a matter of course

Work like a horse

Sacrifice all

As a matter of course

Act large, feel small

Sacrifice all

Shedding no tears

Act large, feel small

All of my years

Shedding no tears

I must wear my label

All of my years

But I am not able

I must wear my label

And do what I can

But I am not able

To Be a Man

Author's Note

Any constructive criticism is welcome, but please remember this was done in a specific style that has certain constraints! I encourage everyone to enter the Celebration of Forms contest. It's challenging and fun to work in a specific style, and it will help you grow as a writer!

Reviews

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

"You must wear *you label"--- *your

I'm recently posting poetry in different forms and I also have a Pantoum posted on my page..but this one is great. I love the concept. It sounds optimistic.

But since the subject you have chosen would be more effective if it's optimism is present from top to bottom, I have a suggestion here-

It seems that the last 2 lines sound critical- you are judging a person that he couldn't be a real man. I suggest that you alter the last 2 lines, but to do that, you have to alter also the preceding verse and even the 1st line, right?

So my suggested lines are these:

"Shedding no tears
You must wear your label
All of your years
Try hard to be stable.


You must wear your label
And do what you can
Try hard to be stable
To Be a Real Man"

*That also means the first line will become "To Be a Real Man".

BTW, if not recognized as a Pantoum, this could be also considered as a Didactic Poetry (a form of poetry intended for instruction such as for knowledge or to teach).

I hope that it sounds not offending. I usually suggest to pieces which I think great. Thanks for the info about the contest also. You are a great writer. Keep it up!

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the review! I fixed the error you pointed out.

This poem actually wasn't meant to be a realistic view of manhood, but rather a commentary on what society expects a real man to be. Kind as a saint; righting every wrong; sacrificing everything for family; these are the kinds of things that are expected of real men, but are unreasonable expectations for a human person.

The last stanza was less an indictment of an individual than a comment on the hopelessness of fulfilling all that is required to be a 'real man'.

I think maybe changing the personal pronouns to 'I' will make the meaning clearer so I'll make that change.

Thanks for the review, I always welcome constructive criticism as it is the only way for me to improve!

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Sounds putting down yourself but I think it's better than the former, Sir. We have similarities anyway. When I a suggestion, I do not expect that to be considered as it is, but a basis and/or motivation to make on his own alterations and improvements. Likewise, when someone gives a suggestion, I try to discover better ways on improvement.

I honestly like what you did.

You're welcome, Sir!

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

*When I give a suggestion...

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thank you!

[Rita L. Sev]

Great job with this form, Lawrence! I love the message, too - reminds me of my husband's favorite poem, Kipling's "If".

[LawrenceRaybon]

I had to go find and read 'If' and, while of course Kipling does the topic more justice, the intent is the same.

I am fairly new to poetry so I can, with clear conscience, state that I came up with the idea on my own. But I will definitely be reading more of Kipling's work! I have read 'The Jungle Book' (I even read it before seeing the Disney version) but I had no idea that he wrote poetry as well.

Now that I'm done rambling... Thank you for the review and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Pi]

It's a great poem to read aloud! I liked the rhymes you used it's a lovely poem :)

[Aethereal]

It’s difficult to meet all of the constraints of a poetic style such as this. I just completed a Pantoum of my own a day ago so I know. You seem to have covered all the bases for being a man. Your first verse stripped of all of its baggage would sound like this: I used 1/0/1 three syllable meter here:

Be a man,
brave and strong.
Guard your clan,
right each wrong.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Thanks for the review!

In 'stripping the baggage' you have changed the tone and completely ignored the intent of the piece. It's not meant to be a simple list of what it takes to be a man, but a commentary on the ridiculous standards that society sets for 'real men'. We can't help but fail to meet the standard of a 'real man' because nobody is perfect. It's much the same thing that women face with the standards of beauty set by mass media.

The way I intended the piece was with a tone of musing with a gentle hint of sarcasm, whereas your changes make it into a command. 'Be a man' is the narrator telling the audience to actually be men, whereas 'To be a man' is more thinking about what it takes to be a man. The 'to' seems extraneous, but without it the actual meaning is lost.

Simplicity is often best, but sometimes being too simplistic limits what can be said.

Let me know if my intent was unclear and I'll look at ways of making it clearer!

Again thank you for your review!

PS: Be sure to enter your Pantoum into the 'Celebration of Styles' contest!

[Aethereal]

I only wrote the first verse. The remaining three syllable line verses would show the sarcasm. I just enjoy reducing equations down to their simplest form. My gift rhymes only hint at larger poems that may be developed from them. I'll look into that contest.

[Aethereal]

It's the "Celebration of Forms" contest. I just entered my poem "Dolphin Love".

[LawrenceRaybon]

I see, I thought you were suggesting that I replace the first verse with the lines you offered and meant for me to rework the entire poem from there. In terms of reducing equations I felt I had 'a squared + b squared = c squared' and it seemed to me like you reduced it down to '(a + b)squared = c squared.' And while the second equation may seem to be the same as the first equation it will not help you find the hypotenuse of a triangle.

Please be careful when offering gift rhymes/poems in reviews. When I see a basic rewriting of one of my poems (or stories) in a review I tend to take it as if it is a suggestion on how to improve my own writing. And as I take improving myself very seriously, I take suggestions like that very seriously, because if a reader felt the need to rewrite my work there is a definite disconnect somewhere. This disconnect means I have failed with that piece because the intent was unclear or the writing wasn't very good.

Thank you for your reviews, I do not mean to discourage them, only to make clear why I respond in the ways that I do...

[LawrenceRaybon]

"It's the "Celebration of Forms" contest. I just entered my poem "Dolphin Love"."

Great! I changed the name of the contest in the poem description. Good luck in the contest! I hope there are more contests like it because I feel writing in forms can help us all grow as writers!

[Aethereal]

My gift poems are only verses that come to mind as a result of reading someone else's poem. As far as I'm concerned, all poetic forms are equal. I just meant my verse to be the start of an entirely new poem. Each poem is it’s own domain, and no one is right and no one is wrong. Since you're so touchy about this I'll stop writing gift poems for you, and just behave like everyone else if it will calm your nerves and bring you tranquility.

[LawrenceRaybon]

It was not my intent to reject or stop your gift poems! They are lovely pieces in and of themselves. I was only trying to let you know that they can come across as telling an author how their poem should have been written, instead of as the separate gift you intend. If you look at your original review on this piece, there was no indication that the piece you offered was a gift and so it was taken as a critique. To avoid confusion I recommend you add a disclaimer like the one in your previous comment, "My gift poems are only verses that come to mind as a result of reading your poem." That way your intent is clear and the gift is that much more meaningful!

[Aethereal]

I believe that this was the first time that I forgot to mention that my reply poem was a gift poem. Now I see what happens when I forget to mention this important fact. I'll continue to present you with gift poems in the future. Sorry for the misunderstanding! There really isn’t any absolute better way in which to write a poem. Every poetic style is the master of its domain. Every musical style is also the master of its domain. Every individual is the master of her domain. You're the master of your domain.

[Ayushi]

Your poem depicts all forms of strength that is required to face the life.
Nice work .. I can see your dedication