My Big Disappointment

My Big Disappointment

A Story by Maria

I struggled with Math throughout school and the one time I ever managed to get an A- in an exam, my parents never gave me what I had expected, and shamed me for not getting an A+

           As a young child, the one subject, I detested the most was Math.  I know its rare, but that there is a percentage of students that actually are good in Math and love it too. I never did, and not so much, because of the many concepts that it held, and the such, but more due to the torture, I would suffer at home, at hands of a man, that was my father, but also an accountant. 
               He simply did not understand, why I would make a big deal about Math, as for him, numbers came easy to him, and still do. So for some reason, he thought, that I would acquire this natural ability of his, and develop a Love for this so called Math Subject. That never happened, I can assure you of this, but in the end, as I was starved from receiving Love and or praise, I would do my best, to get good grades, even if I had to cheat.  So, as I passed on through elementary and got to Middle School, Math, became harder.  And I would ask for help at school, yet, my dad thought, he was helping me out, by teaching me, using his own method at home. And hence, why, I would hate going home, after school, cause each night, would be full of insults and spankings or beatings, depending on his mood.  And I have shared of a traumatic experience, after I was unable to give him the right answer.  And this happened a lot.
                The teachers would do what they could to help me, and I would do good, in Summer school, but somehow, I believe, that they were never able to connect the dots as to why, I seemed to lose confidence, very quickly.  And that was due more to the fact, that he would tell me I had s**t, in my head, and that I was probably full of pig s**t, and the such.  And so, one day, I was getting ready for an exam, and studied hard. I even made my own questionnaire and did my best to memorize most concepts. See, I was good at memorizing things, but of course in Math, there were too many formulas to memorize.  Eventually, I had told my dad to not help me, and he had conceded, and finally the day came for the exam.  I was nervous, but prayed to God, that my mind not go blank.  
                  Once the exam was finished, I turned in my paper, and went on with life. A week later, the teacher was returning the exams, and as she approached my desk, she smiled at me, and said,¨Good work, Maria, you got an A-¨, and I smiled in return and could not believe, that I had managed to get an A.  I would mostly get Fs and Ds and sometimes manage a C+ if anything. Yet, I had never gotten an A, much less an A- on a Math Exam!   I was so proud of myself, and full of excitement, and could not wait to get on home and show my mom and dad, the grade I had gotten.  Well, as the bell rang, and we ran to our buses, I made sure to have the exam, in my hand, so my mom could see it, and ask what it was.  My brother kept on looking at me all weird, but I had decided to not say a thing to him. 

               So once we were dropped off, I ran inside and looked for my mom. ¨¨Mom, Mommy, look, oh look, see look at this!¨, I said to her, excitedly, and she was washing dishes, and half smiled at me, and said, ¨Honey, can you not see, that I am busy, please go change, and come on down for your snack..¨  So I stopped jumping and did as she told me, but I still had the paper in hand, when I returned to the kitchen.  Finally, she gave us our snack, and told me to hand over the paper.  My heart was beating so fast against my rib cage, as I waited to see, her eyes shine, with approval, and waited for her to congratulate me on such a good grade.  After a few minutes, she looked up and said,¨Why is there a minus sign besides the A,?¨, and I told her that it must of been due to a wrong answer, that the teacher gave me part of that point. She smiled, but it was not the smile, I had expected and she patted my head and said, ¨Try better, next time...¨, and I was left sitting there, in shock and horror.  I was confused and hurt, and could not understand, why she had not reacted more happily.  And I looked at the grade again, and thought, that the minus sign, was not a good thing after all, and perhaps, the grade was not even an A, at all.  I never finished my snack, and went up to my room.  I cried for an hour or two, and once my dad got home, I hesitated to showing him the exam, but in the end, I did, and he said,¨ Next time get an A+, and I will rejoice gladly. This tells me nothing. Minus takes away, not adds. Do not ever show me this again.¨  And by that time, my heart, broke into a million pieces, and my brother made fun of me, and I ran back to my room and cried some more. 

            After that day, I never tried to do my best, for I had lost all interest in getting As and or being an Honor Roll student.  I ended believing that my dad was right and my head was indeed full of s**t, and no matter, what I did, I would never live up to my parents own expectations and deemed myself a failure.  If only they had known, what happened to me on that day, I wonder, if they would have been more careful, on reacting how they did.  And so, you see, I always, thought that in order to be Loved, you had to earn it by being smart, and educated.  And in the end, I never was as smart as they wanted me to be, and kept on comparing me with others, throughout the rest of my life.
                    I have shed many a tear, for many reasons, good and bad, and this one time, I had done something good, or so I had thought, but never got the support, or reassurance I had been looking for in my parents.

© 2017 Maria

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Added on August 24, 2017
Last Updated on August 24, 2017
Tags: Math, failing, struggle, broken, heartache, lonely, confused



Fairfax, VA

I write from my heart, soul and mind. Sharing both past and present trials, that I have faced and or am facing. I believe strongly in God and the Bible, yet I respect everyone's views. I myself am no.. more..