Your Opportunity to Help Someone

Hi. My little cousin just turned 11 and will be starting secondary school [for my US friends: that's junior high and high school rolled into one place] this September. I'm trying to compile a handbook for her on how to survive school with your self-esteem and self-respect intact

...and I'm looking for suggestions from everyone here re: what to cover.

What did you wish you'd known before you started/while you were at school?

 

I'm thinking in terms of topics like

- not conforming to fashion and behaviours unless they genuinely appeal to you

- avoiding both being bullied and being a bully yourself

- how to care about your schoolwork without being branded 'a geek' - or alternatively, how to not give a s**t  whether you're labelled a geek [or anything else]

- how to make real friends as opposed to artificial ones

- how to realise that the hierarchy in school does not necessarily reflect accurately upon society 'outside'

- obviously, the biggies like smoking, drinking, other drugs, sex, puberty

 

She's a good, smart kid and subsequently I'm worried that she's vulnerable to either having her life made a misery at secondary school [like I did], or befriending the 'bad crowds' - her parents aren't particularly intelligent or supportive, so it could easily happen.

 

Please leave your suggestions below - and pass this onto people. I don't care about reviews for this or anything, I just need as many people as possible to give their views so I can make it a good handbook.

It can be as specific or general as you like, and it can be either something you've learnt and want to pass on, or something you wish you knew - and we'll try to figure out the solution/advice.

 

 

Thanks very, very much.

Reviews

[Tony]

I suppose as a youth I was quite confused. My folks were of a religious leaning that prevented me from closely associating with my peer group. A natural curiosity ensued, and I balanced life at home with secretive associations. This made me even weirder than I already was, and so was driven by low self esteem into further forms of rebellion, some of which were pretty self destructive.
I wish I had formed lasting friendships with people who challenged me through goal oriented projects.
I don't know if that helps really....... teenagers are hard to convince, if you can get them to listen to you.
It is fantastic that you are in a position of power here in that you can be that connection that I never really had.
The go to guy. If this youngster likes you, your very presence will have effect in that he will use you as a source before....say.... criminals and creeps.
Let alone the fact that you are intellectual enough to use your own experiences as to enlighten.
Finally, the world we live in now is a whole bunch more fucked up than when we were kids. I'm not a church goin' guy as a rule, but Faith, Hope and Love is what these kids need.
I salute you for taking interest.

[Alice]

Oops, I forgot about this, did she start today? My little brother did. Well, off the top of my head:

You have to remember that high school has its own silly little rules and systems that will stop applying once you get into the real world eg. girls who wear lots of make up and laugh at boys jokes even if they aren't funny are the most popular, working hard makes you uncool etc. This is a time when you're going to build the person you are, and the people who build themselves on these silly rules may be "cool" for a few years, but in the real world they're going to have a big shock. You have to rise above these rules and think about who YOU really want to be, because the rules will stick with you for a few years, but who you are will be there for your whole life.

Fitting in is overrated. If somebody says to you, "if you don't do this/ smoke this/ wear this/ drink this/ sleep with this, you won't fit in any more" then say, "okay," and don't do it, because the main power that people will try to exert over you is the threat of not fitting in, and if you don't worry about fitting in, then nobody has power over you. If somebody wants you to do something that you don't want to do, you don't want to fit in with them anyway. The people who are worth fitting in with is the ones who want you to do whatever you want to do, and there will be those, even if they seem hard to find at first. You just have to be brave. People will actually respect you for saying no to them, believe me. Everybody really wants to be brave enough to be themselves, and the reason they pick on people who are is because they are jealous. Show you don't care and you gain respect and admiration and no one will bother you.

This said, it is worth considering the image you put across and whether it portrays you well. For example, my brother is very clever but also very relaxed, adventurous and funny. He wears his top button and blazer done up and makes sure he looks kind of geeky to show people that he's clever - however, people see this and think that he must be a nerd who doesn't know how to have fun. It's worth being aware of the codes that people judge each other by and just making sure that you're going to give people an accurate impression of you. This isn't conforming, it's making sure there are no barriers in place so that people can see you for who you are.

At the start, just be friendly, because everybody wants friends. Nobody's going to throw a smile back in your face, even if they look scary. Which brings us on to scary people. At high school, everyone is going through the whole puberty thing, ergo everyone is a little insecure. Most people act the way they do because they are insecure. It's very important that you notice this, because then if anyone treats you badly, you can learn to not take it personally and pity the person as they are only taking their insecurities out on someone.

If anyone picks on you, DO NOT GIVE THEM A REACTION THEY CAN LAUGH ABOUT. Don't be a smart arse, even though the cutting remark is tempting - if you humiliate them once, they'll make sure they do everything they can to humiliate you forever. Just show that you're not bothered, even if you are, sound bored and then walk away, just say something generic like, "yeah yeah, very funny" that they can't find anything to take the piss out of in. People pick on people to get a funny reaction. Don't give them one, and they won't bother again. But don't worry too much about bullies � most people are nice and just wanting to make friends and be happy � that's what everyone wants so you won't have too much trouble doing so.

Work hard. It must seem very far off, but the best feeling is opening that little envelope on GCSE results day and having a bunch of letters you can be proud of, because good grades = possibilites. If anyone makes fun of you for working hard, imagine their life in a few years, complete with council house, screaming kids, constant worry, a job in Morrissons etc. People who don't work may have more fun for now, but they won't be laughing when their possibilities shrink to practically nothing on results day.

However, do have fun. Yeah, you have responsibilities now, but that also means you have more independence, which means fun. It's new and exciting and you're going to have really intense wonderful friendships and find out a lot about yourself and the world. There will be stuff that's difficult, because things are getting more adult, but that's all part of it and I promise you will look back on absolutely everything with a kind of fondness, even if you hated it at the time. You'll have a great time, honestly, be excited :)

I hope there's the occasional useful thing in that ramble, and if she's started already, I hope it's going really well.

[Ellie W. Montreal]

Well I suggest you have a talk with her and tell her not to believe the hype, be her own person, become her own trendsetter, and learn how to have a clever (and witty, witty gets you out of a fight) mouth behind nerd glasses. Tell her to be smart in her decisions and DO NOT BE IMPULSIVE. Unless it's in her nature. Because she will regret whatever impulsive action she does. As for real vs. fake friends, that's something she has to find out for herself. People can be really tricky, you'll never know what they'll do. I suggest you tell her to keep her guard up & not to trust people so easily. It can be dramatic when you have fake friends. But sometimes your real friendships fade to aquaintances and you consider them fake friendships (depending on the person..).

She'll be fine. Well, depending on how many friends she gains and if she's okay with that number. From what you're saying, she seems like she'll either be a smart girl who will do well in school and have a small group of close friends, or try really hard to fit in and be popular and start skipping classes and have a few bad grades. Just get updates from her so you know whether or not she's okay and she's fine with her life.

I'm sure she'll be okay.

[Emily B]

for what it's worth my daughter is eleven, I found a story on our computer the other day about the angst of being a geek. She's smart. She knows what's important but still wants to be popular. One day she will know what it means to be popular. Smart and independent are far more important.

Make sure she knows that she has people to talk to when life gets confusing. Be that ear for her if she needs one. We all need to feel like we have someone who cares enough to listen.

And then all that other stuff to say no to. . . like drugs and sex and drinking. Make sure she knows that learning is important. That any little thing we learn will always come back to bless us later. That teachers aren't necesarily intelligent or learned. But to respect them anyway, at least til you're past their class.

There's probably a hundred other things. But that's the big stuff.

[F**K]

let me get back to you on this.

[F. Nazarov]

I dunno. The beginning is always rough, but that's kinda necessary.
You really start developing your own thing when you're in like mid-high school.
My suggestion would be to always do what you like.
It is so important to do what you feel is right (you'll thank yourself for it when you see the
situations you avoided!), but no one likes a prude. I don't think there's a "guide" much,
just make sure she knows to have a support system, that's definitely of importance.

[Alice]

You're a good cousin. I'm on to it, I finished said nightmare forever today, so the experience is fresh and ripe for shaping. It'll be therapeutic to think of some advice to hopefully ensure she won't be quite so jubilant to be leaving in a few years time as I am now. Can you tell me a bit more about what she's like?

[lovelyricalpoetry]

What a marvelous idea. Your love for your little cousin is truly insipiring. She's a very lucky young lady to have you there for her. Advice...hmm...

There are always cliques in school (at least from what I remember of it). A lot of the "pretty" girls (you know, the ones who think they're perfect) group together and make fun of everyone else. If you don't look like them, dress like them, and behave like them, then you are less than them. My advice for your niece is to warm up to the "less attractive", plain girls, who are there to learn above all else. To them, makeup, clothes, etc. are not that important. I believe she will find these girls can be real friends, as they are not superficial.

Approach the "shy" people, both girls and guys, she may just find a friend there.

Hope this helps a little.