Mother

A man and his perfect family glance back towards the not-so-perfect past.

Rodrick giggled as he bounced up and down on his daddy’s knee. The incandescent lights illuminated the cavernous living room with a cheerful splendor. At the window waited the brooding congregation of darkness as the night sky filled with smoky blankets of clouds.

Tyler smiled and tickled Rodrick under the chin, murmuring nonsense. The child’s tiny fat hand slapped at Tyler’s wrist before grasping one of his fingers and shaking it with a blank look of curiosity. When the finger did nothing, Rodrick tossed it aside and flapped his arms, gurgling something unintelligible to his father.

Crystal laughed, drawing the child’s wide blue eyes from daddy to mommy. She made a goofy looking face and wiggled her fingers by her ears. Rodrick’s little hand shoved itself into his mouth as Crystal’s hands slid up and hid her face from view.

Rodrick tilted his head, wondering what had happened to mommy’s face. He looked to daddy for an answer, then back to mommy.

Crystal’s fingers popped apart and there was her face again. Rodrick smiled wide, “Yah!” he laughed, his hand leaving his mouth as he pumped his hands up and down, waiting for more.

Crystal repeated the action and Rodrick laughed some more, clapping his hands and bouncing, Tyler holding his underarms to make sure he didn’t fall.

Rodrick imitated his mom, hiding his face with uncoordinated little fingers and peeking back out with a high pitched squeal of delight, encouraged by the amused laughter of his parents.

Tyler admired his little baby boy with a fond smile on his lips. He wrapped the child in a hug and pecked the top of his head.

A knock sounded at the door.

At first Tyler ignored it, thinking maybe he’d only imagined it, but the sound persisted; an insistent rapping of knuckles on wood.

Crystal heard it too, she started to lift herself from the couch.

Tyler grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down. “I’ll get it,” He insisted, removing Rodrick from his thigh and placing him on Crystal’s lap. “You stay with Rodrick.”

He stood up and ruffled Rodrick’s tuft of wispy dark hair one last time before heading into the hallway.

More knocking.

“I’m coming!” Tyler called out, but he didn’t speed up his pace. They were the ones who had come unannounced, near nightfall no less, why were they were so impatient?

As Tyler walked, he outstretched his arm slightly so that his fingers just barely grazed the wall, a subconscious habit.

When he reached the door, he casually peered out of the spyhole, already unlocking the door. But he froze when the image registered, his fingers still clutched the handle.

His hands shot up around the small hole as he peered again, straining his eyes on the outside image, wanting to be sure his eyes weren’t kidding him.

The person standing in the doorframe was a woman; a small, very timid looking woman who fidgeted with her bag while she waited for him to open the door. Her hand came up once as if to knock again but dropped down as she thought better of it.

Tyler knew exactly who she was. There was no mistaking her, even through a blurry peephole.

Tyler closed his eyes and leaned his back against the door, visualizing this woman through his mind’s eye; the warm chocolaty eyes, her breezy dark brown hair, her lightly tanned skin, and tender, delicate hands.

He opened his eyes again and looked out the hole, almost expecting her to have changed. But it was, without a doubt, mom.

His hand hovered over the handle, hesitant to open it. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to open up those past memories. But he couldn’t take not knowing, not when the opportunity was right in front of him. At the same time he didn’t-

She was turning around now. She was leaving.

Tyler jammed his hand down on the handle and flung open the door, taking a step over the threshold. “Don’t-” The words jammed in his throat as he took her in for real now.

She was a whole lot smaller than he remembered, but he supposed he’d grown since he’d last seen her. But still, he couldn’t get over the rest of her. Her face was loaded with makeup yet none of it could conceal how tired she looked, how bloodshot her eyes were. Her tangled hair was fixed up in what he supposed was a bun, streaks of gray running through. Her yellow-tinted skin sagged and her hands trembled from things other than cold.

It hurt to look at her. It hurt to see how much she’d changed through all those years, to see what she had succumbed to.

“God, mom…” He mumbled. His mouth felt dry and his stomach sick. “What are you d-?”

“Hello, Tyler.” His mom offered a small closed mouth smile, but then she quickly directed her eyes to the floor. Tyler noticed her arms as they shakily came up to wrap around her midsection as if to protect her from the dark gray cold in the sky.

Tyler choked up and grabbed her arm, pulling her in for a hug. The lump in his throat threatened to break him down. But that was stupid. He was a man now. He didn’t cry.

But his mom was crying. He could hear her breath shaking in his ear, and the way her body racked with trembles that he wanted to believe weren’t from any sort of drug.

She was hugging him. She was hugging him back tightly. Almost like she feared he’d suddenly push her away and into the cold. But he would never do that. He would never let his mom go again.

“Ty- Tyler,” His mom’s voice shuddered. “I- I’m so s-”

“No, no.” He whispered, smoothing her hair, wanting to soothe her, comfort her, protect her.He buried his face into her hair, it smelled of cigarettes and booze but he didn’t care. He just wanted to hold her close. His body swayed side to side as he held her. “It’s fine. Shh… It’s fine.”

“Tyler?” Crystal called, her casual sounding voice seemed so odd to him at a moment like this. “Who is it?”

Tyler pulled back slightly, still holding his mother. He turned his head to the doorframe with a look of weary uncertainty. “Um, it’s, ah,” He scrunched up his eyes, thinking it through for a moment, then opened them. “Er, nothing. We’ll be in in a sec. Hang on.”

Tyler shut the door. He didn’t want to share this with Crystal just yet. He wanted a few more moments alone with his mom. His eyes darted to the sky briefly but he ignored the threatening clouds. He and his mother would only be a minute. The rain would hold until then.

Tyler looked back toward his mother’s face and saw her gazing in awe at the door frame. “Was that-?” Her voice trailed off wonder.

“Yeah…” Tyler smiled sheepishly. “That- That’s my wife, Crystal.”

“What a beautiful name.” His mom murmured. “Crystal.” She stared at the door wide-eyed for a few more seconds before looking at Tyler again. “And kids? Do you have any kids?” She spoke hopefully, quietly, almost as if she feared speaking her desires might make them blow away.

Tyler smiled wide and immediately reached for his back pocket. “Yeah, mom, look,” He pulled out a beat up leather wallet. He bent over slightly to accommodate his mother’s small stature and flipped it open. “This is Crystal,” He murmured, pointing to his wife. “And this,” His finger trailed over the tiny infant struggling in his mother’s arms. “Is Rodrick, my son.” His eyes continuously switched from portrait to mother as he anxiously awaited her approval.

“Oh…” His mother whispered. “Oh, Tyler, he’s precious…” She held up a hand to her mouth, choking up. Her other hand clutched his shoulder. “That’s my grandson.”

Tyler’s arm slid up her back and around her shoulder. He gave a gentle squeeze. “That’s right.” He said quietly.

Mary looked fondly down on the photograph then gazed up at her own son proudly. “You’re so big.” She marveled. “And you look… just like Mathew.”

Tyler opened his mouth and held it there, not sure how he could respond, or even how he felt about her remark. So he ended up closing his mouth again.

Mary didn’t even seem to notice his reaction. “I’m so proud, Tyler,” She continued. “And I can’t wait to see the boy grow up.”

Tyler smiled again. He began speaking quickly, as if making up for lost time. “We’ve already got everything planned out for him. Everything. We’re going to do everything we can to make his life perfect. I don't care what it takes. I'd do anything for him. That’s why we moved here, in this great big house for him to play and explore and grow up in." He looked up briefly to his home with pride and continued speaking without missing a beat. “We decorated his little room, too, and put in lots of little toys and games. We picked the best little neighbourhood. There’s this great elementary school nearby and a great middle school and a great high school. There’s even a fantastic college that’s only, like, a twenty minute drive from here. We’ve already got money saved up for his college and I have this great job to support us and- and-“

He let go of his mom and whirled around on the spot, almost drunkenly. “And look,” He pointed to a small grove of trees close by. “A tiny little woods for him to play in. I even started building a treehouse for him. I mean, I know he won’t start using it yet, but-“

He turned back to his mom, eyes bright and smile dazzling, to make sure she was still listening. She was. She was hanging onto every word.

“And we’re thinking we might have another kid. I’m hoping for a sweet little girl maybe but a little brother to play around with Rodrick would be nice too. We’ve even started thinking of names. Hah! Can you believe it? They’ll be the best of friends, I know they will. Just like me and-” He stopped, winding down like a top. He took a breath. “It’ll be great.” He stared off to the horizon wistfully.

Mary smiled at him, eyes brimming with pride. “It will, Tyler,” she said. “And I’m sure they’ll be best friends. Just like you and Luis.”

Tyler gave a weak smile.

His mom reached over toward him and took the hand still holding the wallet. Tyler looked over. A droplet of rain touched down on the back of Mary’s hand.

She opened the wallet and caressed her finger over the tiny image of Rodrick. His minute hands seemed to be reaching out to her. She stared down sadly at the photograph, missing all those wasted years. She sighed and let go of the wallet, along with Tyler’s hand.

Tyler watched her, warmth in his eyes and his smile.

But then, as he surveyed her guilty face, his grin slackened as a new thought dawned. The protective warmth he felt so joyously a moment before was gone. He finally felt the cold chill of the lightly pouring rain touch him. But he didn’t suggest they step inside.

“Mom?” He asked, his smile dropping completely. “So,” He paused. “What happened? Where did you go?”

He watched her sharp intake of breath and the way she bit her lip, the guilty terrible look in her eyes that told him this was a question she’d been hoping he wouldn’t ask. He could already see the long speech on her lips, see her trying to gather her courage.

Tyler waited. She must have had some valid explanation. There had to be some good reason for why she left. He just had to hear her out. Then they could figure out what to do from there. Together.

His mother took a deep breath, puffed out her chest, and spoke. “I-” And that was where she lost it.

There had to be a good reason.

She took a step back, glaring at him accusingly, like he was the problem. “You- You know!” Her breathing rate visibly increased as her irrational anger rapidly inclined.

Tyler stiffened his back then clenched his teeth. She had a reasonable explanation for everything. She had to. Wait.

“You know what it was like.” She huffed. “I couldn’t- I had to leave! You know!”

He tried to speak. “Mom?” he said, asking for elaboration. It took all his strength to hide the hurt from his voice. He feared what she was getting at.

“I had to. I had to.” His mother kept repeating, shaking her head, looking as if trying to convince herself more than him.

“So, you just… left?” Tyler asked, standing dazed. He couldn’t comprehend. He didn’t want to. There had to be something else to it.

“You know what it was like!”

Tyler’s body stood tense as he watched her betrayal slip through her lips. There was nothing to deny anymore. Nothing for her to explain. He could already feel the stone wall coming up.

“So you left.” Not a question anymore. “Without me.”

“I couldn’t!” Mary shouted, through tears now, but Tyler didn’t buy them. He just watched, cold, as his mother sobbed before him. “He wouldn’t let me! You know what he was like!”

Tyler held up a finger. “You-” he closed his hand into a fist and dropped it. He couldn’t look at her anymore. He turned away from her and glared at the shadow infested trees. He shivered. The water had already chilled him to the bone, but why did that matter? “You didn’t even try.” He said at last. “You never tried to get me back. You just left us-“

“I left Mathew-“

“You left me.” Tyler cut in, whipping his head back to glower at her.

Mary flinched and turned back to stare at the ground.

“Why?” Tyler asked. “Why did you even come to see me? You expect me to just- what? Welcome you? After you tell me this?”

Mary tried to harden her resolve. “I’m your mother.” She said.

Tyler sneered. “My mother? You abandoned me when you knew what Mathew was doing. I’m  so sorry things got too tough for you. I can clearly see why you had to just get up and leave your last remaining son behind. It was just too hard. But, you know what? I didn’t have the same luxury as you. I couldn’t just pack my bags and disappear one day. I was stuck there; each day even worse than the last. Thinking my precious mother was looking over me or somehow alive trying to come back to me.” Tyler’s mocking voice cracked but he still continued. “You didn’t even say goodbye…” He hardened his features once more.

Mary’s shoulders were slumped in shame, she stood silent tears trailing. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“I thought-” A frustrated sigh escaped Tyler’s mouth. He hated himself for his stupidity. “I thought you were dead. I thought he’d killed you.” He knew it was a childish thing to say, and that was because it had been a childish thought. He’d always thought, since he was a kid, that his dad had somehow killed his mom. His dad had been horrible, yes, but was he really a killer? In hindsight, Tyler knew it was highly unlikely, but what other explanation did young Tyler have?

His father had said once that Tyler’s mother had walked out on him, that she didn’t love Tyler anymore, but Tyler hadn't believed it, thinking his father had merely been meaning to break him. Not that his drunken b*****d of a father had been right. Not that it had been true.

Mary’s surprised voice broke through his thoughts. “Tyler, Mathew would never-“

“Well, he should have.” Tyler snapped, holding nothing but contempt for his mother, who had just left him in that hell hole while she walked free, abandoning him while his father- At that moment he hated his mother more than he’d ever hated his father.

He shook his head from side to side, eyes closed. Trying to process this situation. The voices roaring, swirling, mixing, contradicting to a point he didn’t want to reach. He held his breath, trying to control himself.

But she’d abandoned him. And now she had the audacity to come back after years to his home- his family- and- and-

“Tyler, please, I-”

The sky roared with energy and lightning tore at the sky as Tyler’s chest swirled with crackling emotion.

He snatched her arm, his teeth bared and his voice dangerously low. “You-” his free arm half rose as if he wanted to strike her, but then dropped, although his body still trembled. “You stay the hell away from my family.” He said, tightening the grip on her arm. “I don’t care who you are. Now, you better listen up.” He tossed her arm aside and took a menacing step forward so she would have to crane her neck up to look at him. “If you so much as breathe a single word to my wife or children, I swear to god, you will-”

He stopped, closing his eyes tightly, coiling and uncoiling his fingers, when he opened his eyes again he only looked slightly less deranged. “Do you understand me?”

Tyler’s eyes bore into the sobbing, shrunken woman before him.

“But, Tyler, I-”

“Good.” He said, turning and opening the front door. He stalked inside and slammed the door back shut, blood boiling.

The sound of a baby’s fractured crying greeted him as he entered.

“Tyler?” He heard a woman’s voice say, slightly disapproving. “Don’t slam doors. So who was it?”

Tyler kept walking, ignoring the voice. He reached for the handrail of the stairs.

“Tyler?” The woman said. “Is something wrong-?”

“Just drop it, Crystal.” He fumed. “Just drop it.”

Tyler marched up the stairs, flinging open the bedroom door and slamming it back shut once inside. He locked himself in for good measure.

“D****t!” He screamed, bringing both his arms up around his head. He couldn’t believe how absolutely stupid he’d been.

He paced the room, his arms gesturing wildly as he ranted with a furious passion.

“D****t!” He cried again, swatting his arm at the dresser, scattering possessions to the floor. Another whiplash across the sky.

Tyler circled the room once more before he slowed, eventually stopping at the window. He rested his head against the window pane and relaxed his shoulders. “Ugh…” he moaned. He felt sick all over. He felt like throwing up. He felt like curling up on the floor and going to sleep right there.

He felt like punching the wall. He felt like breaking something. He felt like bashing someone’s head in. But all the strength had been sapped from his body, so he just stayed where he was, clutching at his arms, shivering. Why did everything in his life turn to absolute s**t?

The floor finally came into focus and Tyler’s eyes registered the broken candlesticks, Crystal’s broken candlesticks. He groaned again, covering his face with his hands. What was wrong with him?

Tyler kneeled down and carefully retrieved the pieces. He placed the wax bits on the dresser along with their shiny golden holders and then walked backward and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at them contemplatively. He brought a single palm up and ran it through his still wet hair, letting out a long overdue breath. Tyler sat there for a while, never taking his eyes of the candlestick holders.

After he felt sick of being cooped up in his room, he stood up, his fingers still trailing the bed sheets, and staggered to the door. When he placed his hand on the doorknob, he heard someone stir on the other side. He opened it and saw Crystal rise to her feet.

“Tyler?” She asked. She must have been sitting there the entire time. Tyler had a vague recollection of her calling to him when he’d been locked up in his room, rampaging like some maniac.

Tyler slumped. “Crystal, I- I don’t know what to-”

“It’s okay, Tyler.” She said, taking his face in her hands. “We can talk about it when you’re ready, okay? Don’t worry about it right now.”

Tyler shrugged his shoulders and opened his mouth to say something, anything to her, to compensate for everything. No sound came out but an odd choking note. Instead, he grabbed his wife, trying to hold himself together, and buried his face into her smooth, golden hair. She smelled of strawberries and baby powder. He closed his eyes. A whimper escaped his throat.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Crystal soothed, rubbing his back. “Everything will work out. We’ll get through this. Everything will work out in the end. Okay, Tyler?”

When she got no response, Crystal sighed and placed her hands on his head and pulled back from him, looking him in the eyes. “I love you, Tyler.” She said. “And I want to help. Please don’t shut me out like you always do. Let me help.” Tyler looked to the floor. “I’m not saying we have to talk about this right now, this moment, but we really should talk about it. Please, Tyler.”

Tyler closed his eyes, leaning into her palm, and then nodded.

Crystal let go of him. “Now, let’s go get Rodrick up to bed. Come on.” She reached out grabbing his wrist and leading him to the stairs.

“Crystal?” Tyler mumbled.

“Mm?” She was still pulling him gently along, guiding him into the living room.

“I love you.” He said. “You know that?”

Crystal turned her head slightly, the hint of a tired smile on her lips. “I do.” She murmured. “I love you, too.”

Author's Note

How does the writing read? Is it too heavy-handed at parts? Is the dialogue good? What bothers you? How does the story make you feel?