(Hikari)

title means, "Glow" or "Light" ...Written about one of my close friends...

Desire a better world
where darkness falls to the floor
where a bright light shines from within you
and from the day and night
you recieve nothing more

A world unknown to this fallen breed;
this corrupted conception
escape the ties that bond
and fly away
leaving yesterday to dwell within this empty room

Look toward the light
beyond the horizon
that you may capture it
and restore the creation once lost
with the warmth
of your radiating glow

Raise your voice to the heavens
that they may hear your cry
and mend your broken heart

Author's Note

Someone who read this poem told me that one of the problems they found was:
In the first stanza, there are rhyming words, and it sets up a bit of a flow, but once you read the rest, it doesn't rhyme. Well...
It wasn't meant to rhyme.
That's all I really have to say about that.

Reviews

[PianoandPage]

i am of the opinion that ryhmmes should happen as they need to. too much chaos or order and the poem becomes lopsided.

i think this is a brilliant piece. a touching tribute to your friend.

my favorite is the opening image of darkness falling to the floor... as if slain by a hero.

that's great.

[Zach Colgate]

This poem had a really nice flow. Who cares about bit of rhyme thrown in there. I really liked the line, "leaving yesterday to to dwell within this empty room". It almost seemed like a poem within itself. Excellent work. : )

[Thomas James Martin]

I really like this poem, and they way it is original and not cluttered with sentimentality: That makes it all the stronger for me. I don't see the criticism of the rhyme at all. Free verse often breaks into rhyme at strategic points; I sometimes do this myself. Anyway, nicely done.
Tom

[Freedom]

OH GOOD GOD, JACKIE, I LOVE THE F**K OUT OF YOU.

[Freedom]

heyheyheyheyheyheyheyhey
is this the one about me?


anyways..
i love this poem, it is so well-written. actually, it kind of reminds me of my own work, a little bit. the bit about 'corrupted conception.' that sounds like some alliteration that i would totally employ on my own..

and i really love the last stanza..the way it's worded..it sounds really really pretty, even though i dont agree with it. beautifully written..good meaning. i love it.

[universalove]

it would be nice to have a better world. what you put in it you get out of it . what it is ,is what it is. but your poems take me to a place that i can see my cold blooded heart turn into a rose and understand that i am one of the many. your poems are in my soul. thank you

[universalove]

that is a part of life ,to love n lost and feel the pain of getting better the next time around. I FEEL YOU. REAL GOOD THAN BETTER.

[universalove]

Some times you don`t mean to rhyme every time . your poem has a magical image of peace in heaven. THREE STARS

[C.T. Bailey]

I agree with you...I can very easily see that poem was not meant to rhyme. This is exceptional work in my humble opinion. This kind of write deserve 3,4, or even 5 re-reads to drive home the underlying theme. I would disagree with one item...that is the one of your bio comment about not even being a decent writer. I connected with....I feel better for it. Nicely written.
Todd