Yellow

Chapter 1: Yellow

Rowan Grant and Maylin Yang lay under the willow tree next to the duck pond. The grassy meadow glistened with dew from the night before. Bumblebees danced along beds of lavender bush and marigolds. The lush moorlands were expansive, stretching a good distance to Maylin’s house in the east. The house was small and had been there for decades, long before Maylin was born seventeen years ago.

There were many animals that freely roamed the land. Glassbell, a gentle brown cow, was Maylin's favorite. Minty, an Arabian palomino mare, sometimes had attitude but everyone loved her anyway. Fencer the border collie, the only animal that they really "owned", liked to chase the sheep and then pant in exhaustion underneath the big willow tree. He was the epitome of a loyal, loving pet.

Rowan’s right arm rested gently on Maylin’s stomach. She wore a black t-shirt, jeans, and boots. Her long black hair caressed her small chest.

The willow tree above her swayed in the light breeze. For a second, the leaves resembled little paintbrushes. The whole tree began to look like a multitude of brushes splashing wisps of paint onto a fascinating landscape.

Maylin blinked a couple of times. Her natural yellow eyes were unusually watery. The mushrooms from the night before were still giving off weird symptoms. The combination of amusement and fear made her giggle.

Rowan looked up at her curiously.

“What is it?” he asked.

She ignored the question. Instead, she chose to look all around at all of the crazy things. Glassbell exhibited red eyes and horns on her head. Her body was misshapen into spirals and squares like a kaleidoscope. She looked at Minty. Minty was now half giraffe, her neck as high as a skyscraper.

“Woah,” Maylin said.

“What is it?” Rowan repeated.

“Everything's amazing!”

Rowan lay his head back down onto her stomach.

“Yeah, it is.”

Reviews

[Marianne Rose]

Great opening chapter, full of visuals, and characters I could relate to. Loved the descriptioms of the animals and environment. It really set the scene. Also loved where it went- to her experience of hallucinogenic effect, especially that she enjoyed it, rather than being scared. Makes me want to read on.

[cbritto6]

This time it was easier to follow and get your meaning. The flow and structure are better and it sounds more natural. Nice job! I'm waiting for the next one!

[Saria Lon]

Thank you! I think I accidentally send a read request for this chapter instead of my newest one :(

[cbritto6]

Like the others said, you're really good at imagry and setting up a scene. Especially the part where Glassbell transforms.

Two points of constructive criticism:
The paragraph where you describe the animals. Fencer and Minty's sentences were a bit awkward. Perhaps shorten them to best make the message clearer.

But other than that, I enjoyed it! I'll keep reading!

[Saria Lon]

Thank you! Yeah, I struggle with sentence structure and making it sound natural. I'll think of ways to make it better. Your comment is much appreciated. :)

[cbritto6]

Anytime, Taylor!

[Sebastian Romero]

Nice idea with each chapter title (the titles being only colors). I think this is a good, stable first chapter. It seems whole, with everything right in its place. Nice characters, nice dialogues, nice descriptions :) THank you very much for sharing your writing, its really really good. Please keep writing :)

[Saria Lon]

Thank you! I just read your lesson on dialogue, and I was wondering if there is anything I can improve on with my dialogue? It's one of the things I struggle with the most.

[Sebastian Romero]

They are really good, don't worry. Strictly speaking from my list, the only thing I'd say are the: "Uttered" "Repeated" "Cried" etc. But that's really up to you. But they're great, don't worry :) One thing I did notice is the "everything is amazing"... I dont know if you wanted to make an emphasis on the word "is", but normally in dialogues i'd just write: "Everything's amazing." But other than that, everything's great !!

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the opening chapter. You create nice place and good characters. The good description make the location come alive to the reader and I liked the conversation. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote