Promises

This is a story of love and loss between Gray and Night who have come to their destination only to find the horrible truth behind the solution to their problems. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Promises

Quietly, the two shuffled along the dirt covered path; their destination was approaching, yet they felt as though they did not want their trip to end. “Gray,” a soft voice spoke. “Promise me.” Gray tilted her head; a confused expression lay on her face. “Promise me that at the end of all this,” Night turned to look tenderly into her silver eyes, “that we will be together.” She beamed and took his hand, placing a soft kiss on it and with it brought a silent unbreakable contract.

“Of course.” And with that they continued on their walk in silence, both of their faces flushed.

It was not long before they approached the forest of the Sprites, the Wood of Dayes. They entered cautiously, neither of them noticing the beings that eyed them from the tops of the inordinate Frask trees. The forest was hauntingly beautiful; flowers of unimaginable colors sprouted everywhere the eye could see, and rays of golden light streamed down from above. There were sounds of billowing streams and frolicking animals along with distant children’s laughter. Everything drew in their gaze, and they stared in awe as they made their way deeper into the woods. Suddenly, a sharp yell, which sounded like nonsense to Night, drove Gray out of her daze.

“Hey!” it said. Gray jerked her hand to the direction of the sound and took up a battle stance. Night only gave her a strange look, but he eventually did the same. After a few minutes, though, they resumed walking, blaming it on their nerves; however, this time they traveled at a faster pace. The charming forest now seemed to blacken as they walked further in, and the sounds seemed to be coming from everywhere: the treetops, the rivers, the shadows. Then an eerie silence followed, and they mimicked the quietness with discomfort, while Woodlins from the trees, unbeknownst to them, curiously watched. As they ventured closer, a dismal light in the distance grew more intense, and upon reaching the source, they witnessed a peculiar sight. Golden globes of light floated in the air of a tiny glade, which was occupied by a group of merrily celebrating, ancient sprites, each sprouting a bizarre beard with small plants sticking out of their miniature bodies. Their eyes never fell on the two “intruders,” but something told them that their presence was known.

“We have come to talk,” Gray spoke in Sprite tongue. She saw the elder Sprites’ eyes widen in surprise and continued. “It is not for war,” she stated, and they turned to her in interest. “It is for peace.”

After speaking in low tones so fast that even Gray could not decipher, they nodded, and in a hoarse voice one of them uttered, “Continue.” Meanwhile, Night, who was lost at this point, stood silently behind Gray, for he was not a speaker of the Sprite language.

Gray steadied herself and went on, explaining everything about their journey to bring peace between the demons and the people and also of Night’s actual identity as King of the Demons. She told of the tyranny of Tyrist, the twisted ruler of the humans, and of his horrible deceit. “A vast demon army heads from their realm to the humans.” Gray looked upon the council of elders. “There will be war;” her tone of voice turned solemn, and she shook her head. “No, not war. With the demon’s army, it will be the slaughter of the human race.” Gray turned her eyes to the elders, and pleaded. “We need your help to stop this battle. Please join us on our journey to the Human Realm.” All the elders looked sternly upon her as she finished and turned to murmur to one another before returning their attention back to Gray.

“Gray Cander, we appreciate you coming all this way, but we will not help you. We care for our own, not the foolish acts of the other species. And we will not risk the deaths of our own kind by throwing ourselves into a pointless fray.” Gray’s eye twitched, and she opened her mouth to retort, but an elder cleared his throat, so she endured to listen. “We will not help you in battle, but there is another way. However, it requires great sacrifice on your part.” She nodded hesitantly for them to continue, while Night examined her with concern. “We can change Night back to his demon form, and then he can order his people back to peace.” They stared at her with a look of pity in their eyes. “But, he will only retain his old memories from when he was in that form.” Gray took a step back, and her eyes widened. “He will not remember you.”

“What?” Gray asked. She felt her heart clench and her blood run cold. “Y-y-you are asking me

t-t-to-,” she stuttered, her voice quivering.

“Gray, what is wrong? What did they say?” Night probed, his face laced with concern.

“It is the only alternative,” the elder council gravely replied. “Your love or an entire species.” Millions of thoughts flashed through her mind followed by frustration at the Sprites. If they only just helped them, she would not have to lose him. She would not have to be alone again.

But despite all that, there was only one choice now. Clenching her fists, she let the words she knew she would so regret flow out of her mouth. “Do it.”

“Gray! What did they say?!” Night stared at her anxiously, his eyes begging, but she turned elsewhere, avoiding his gaze, as silent tears threatened to spill.

“The process will be painful. Are you sure you want this?” Gray nodded; she could not back down. She knew, even though he would not approve, this was what Night wanted.  “As you wish,” the elders spoke. They joined hands in their circle, and their voices melded together to form the words of an ancient spell.

Night took Gray’s face in his warm hands, “Gray, what is happening?“ Night asked once more. “Gray?” Gray opened her mouth to tell him of the deal but then closed it. His beautiful eyes that she loved so much were filled with confusion and worry. No, she thought. She would bear this alone, and with all the effort she could muster, she forced her mouth into a grin and tried her best to stop her tears.

“It is nothing,” Gray said gently as she hugged his body close to hers, and she kissed him, putting all her love into one touch of lips. Night’s eyes widened, but he closed his eyes and hugged her close. “Promise me,” Gray whispered in his ear. Her words were becoming a faint murmur to him as if he was in a dream, and he felt her slip away. Desperately, he clung to Gray with fear, and she held him tightly in her embrace, her hair hiding her now tear-streaked face, as she suppressed her sobs. The elders’ chanting grew louder, and Night clutched his chest, agonizing pain spreading through his body. He never did hear the rest of Gray’s sentence as his world faded to black.

            When Night came to, he was the Demon King, as expected, and remembered nothing after the curse. Horns protruded from his head on either side, and his skin was a shade paler. His eyes were an unfamiliar dark red, and his teeth were fang-like, long, and sharp. Claws were where his nails had once been, while black wings sprouted from his back like a devil’s, and his hair was the color of darkness. Gray had transported him out of the Wood of Dayes after thanking the Sprites curtly and was there to update him of what was happening and what needed to be done. He had asked who she was, but she told him she was just a friend. While skeptical at first, he was in agreement at the idea of restoring peace and suggested that they leave immediately. She, with her heart in her throat, had agreed.

Gray raced toward the Ruler’s castle as she beat through the crowds that were at war. Lifting her hand, she sent a penetrating blast of wind to the front, knocking hundreds of the soldiers off their feet, while darting down the now open pathway. Arching her back effortlessly, she flipped and dodged another falling blade, the soldier not even bothered that she was of his kind, just a mindless drone of warfare.

 “She is heading towards the Ruler!” one screamed in the distance. Many warriors gathered in front of the now close entrance to the great building. Hastily, Gray sent a small hurricane their way and they all scattered like leaves in the wind with a few bones cracking upon impact. She hoisted herself over the wall and landed in the domain of Tyrist. Making her way to the door, she was attacked by two Glors who snarled at her, their breath alit with blue flame.  Flipping on to her hands, she pushed herself upright, her hand almost scorched by the dangerous fire, and jumped off of one of the Glor’s horns, propelling herself up onto the ledge of the castle windowsill. Swinging herself up, she scaled the side of the building, her foot finding the jutting-out rocks as she headed to the third floor.

In the meantime, Night stood behind the bloody war as his face contorted with horror. “Enough!” he yelled, his voice echoing. Demons looked around for its source; they knew that voice. Night took to the air and flew above them. He cleared his throat and commanded silence. “I, your King, have returned.”

Crashing through the glass of the third floor window, Gray entered the castle landing in a defensive stance, but the Ruler was not to be found. Swiftly, she checked all floors and rooms but found nothing. Cursing underneath her breath, she retreated from the castle and hurried to find Night. If Tyrist was not here, she knew where he would be.

Night told all of his disappearance and the telling of lies and betrayal of the man called the Ruler. Beasts had begun to drop their weapons in joy that their beloved King had returned, while humans became bitter at the Ruler for his deceit. “Let us stop this fight,” Night declared as he gazed at his demon comrades, the ones that he had fought many a battle with.

It was then that an inferno of fire was thrown towards Night. As if in an instant, Gray appeared and extinguished the flame with a formidable gust of wind before it could reach the King.

“Where is he!?” she yelled at the crowds. She knew he was there. A tremor went through the troops, and soon an old, decrepit man was hurled by a Shiki into the clearing where Night and Gray stood.

He grinned a sickly smile of yellow teeth, but one could smell the fear on him. Night’s eyes burned with fury, and Gray scowled. “Coward,” she muttered. He had tried to flee.

“Tyrist.” Night spoke; his voice trembling with resentment as he stared at his betrayer.

“Hello, King,” the old man spoke nervously and then turned to Gray, smirking. “Hello, daughter.”

“You have no right to call me that,” she responded in a quiet voice as her eyes yielded a pure rage. The crowds were stunned by the revelation, while Night stood slightly shocked. Gray took a step forward, and behind her hand laid a hurricane so deadly it would destroy anything it touched.

“Now, Gray, you would not hurt your father would you?” Tyrist asked as he reached behind himself to grab his spell book. Gray glanced at him for a second with a pang of reluctance before hurling the deadly attack towards him. Tyrist dodged, his robe tattered in the crossfire. He opened his book and recited a curse, sending Gray crashing to the ground with a cry of pain. Multiple cuts appeared on her body, and she lied there still. As he was about to recite another, Tyrist felt his body become stiff; he fell to his knees, and his beloved book hit the ground. Night walked towards him and bent down to pick up the ancient book. He doused it in a black fire, reducing it to ashes in front of the struggling leader’s wide eyes. Night’s demeanor was deadly, and he showed no mercy in casting a dark curse that sent the Ruler writhing in agony. After, he rushed to Gray’s side and held her in his arms. Everyone was silent, as the King held her close to his chest. Gray was barely conscious, but she still tenderly smiled at him, before falling back into peaceful respite.

There was great chaos after the war. Night gladly threw the Ruler to his angry subjects, who ripped him to shreds. Millions of the dead lay on in the field, and burials were held in the next days. Most had accepted the new King, while others were doubtful of him and called him a perjurer. Even so, he was to be crowned the next King in the following week, and he would certainly lead the lands to unity. And where was the brave Gray? She was by Night’s side, of course. For even though he may never remember her, she made a promise. The day of his coronation, she took his hand in hers and kissed it, gently. “In the end,” she whispered. “No matter what, I promise I will always be by your side.” Night’s face flushed a slight pink, and he looked to the side. Gray laughed slightly and smiled, bending down to touch one knee to the floor. “My King, Night.”

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading. I especially would like to know how the story flowed and if the dialogue was natural sounding enough (I am not that good at that). :)

Reviews

[JCat]

As always, I deeply apologise if my blunt review offends you. The greatest dishonour I could insult you with would be to lie. However, I do always try to focus on the positive as well as what needs improved. Remember, take on what's useful from my review and throw in the trash what isn't.

Detailed Read Through (If I don't have a lot of time, or the piece is longer than 1000 words, then this part can be not-so-detailed):

"approaching. Yet.." this will help avoid the overly long starting sentence, which is never something you want. Other than that, not a bad opening line (high praise from me. I am very fussy when it comes to opening lines)

No full stop between "spoke" and "Promise". Perhaps a comma if you're wanting to keep that sentence pause.

Using new lines for each line of dialogue would severely increase understanding here.

"silent unbreakable contract" this is brilliant. It shows the whole "dedication/promise" of love, that love isn't just an emotion but a promise.

"their walk" doesn't need to be there. Superfluous information.

"the forest of the sprites, the wood of the dayes" is a lot of information and slightly confusing. Perhaps "the forest of the sprites (also known as the wood of the dayes)" or something like that?

"inordinate frask trees" brilliant language use.

Oh god it's beautiful. Your language for that whole paragraph is absolutely stunning.

Slightly confusing language for the last sentence starting "suddenly, a sharp yell..." It needs clarification. Separate the sentence, or explain why it sounded like nonsense to Night.

I wonder, would semi colons be better for "the trees, the rivers, the shadows" to make the effect more staggered and ominous.

If Sprite tongue isn't English, use a different font and italics if you want. It helps people separate what is normal language and what isn't.

"Night's eyes widened, but he closed his eyes" I know in your head this will work (I do the same sort of things) But readers are seeing contradiction in this sentence. Decide which feature is more important.

"The colour of darkness" While I understand what you're doing, this seems over-poetic. You have such beautiful language I was willing to overlook it, but I honestly think a simple "jet black" would be better.

"her hand was almost scorched by the dangerous fire" this is information, but it disrupts the flow of the sentence. Literary action can be quite hard to follow sometimes, and you've done a good job so far, but that one sentence is awkward. I would suggest taking that "her hand..dangerous fire" part out.




Overall Analysis:



I'm very sorry, I'm going to be s**t at reviewing this. Because I loved it. I absolutely LOVED your story. And I don't like reading. There isn't a lot of literature I feel this way about, but I just loved your story. I loved the romance and the twists and the turns, your amazing grasp on language and just wonderful, wonderful description! I'll admit, when I get a review request for a story over 2k words I groan and can't wait till it's over, but by the end of this, I wanted much more! I daresay, I think you have enough content here to pack out a whole book. Gray and Night's relationship, the world around them, that world which you've created I want a lot more explanation for.

This is fantastic. This could be a book, that I, the girl who put down books by Tolkien and refused to finish Game of Thrones, would read all the way through.

Now, for some things I noticed.

Your language is a little confusing at times. That's understandable, the world you've created makes perfect sense in your head and trying to get into paper clearly for another person to understand is...hard. Really look over these sentences and think "is this easy to understand" and change it if it's not.

Your sentence structure can also be slightly repetitive. Try and change it up. Make sure you're not comma splicing (you've got a little bit of that in there). And pack. this. s**t. out. You have a whole love story, a daddy issues story, a fantasy world, and different cultures to explore. Not to mention magic, species, location, hell-- I want maps! You have at least a book here. If not more.

Your style does need work (see aforementioned issues), but you have the raw creativity and talent that is harder to learn. I'm not saying you don't need to change things and you can send stuff away right now. But I can definitely see you getting there.

[Shiro Ookami]

I never posted a comment on this, but it is an amazing review. Thank you a lot for putting the time and effort into this; I really appreciate it. And I really do need to use simpler language at certain points.

[Wølfy]

So I read though half of this, and I find it is a great story. I am sorry I just do not like reading. It is rare I ever read a novel or any story that is not short. I believe this could just be me and my odd mind, but I kept getting the genders of Night, and Gray mixed up. I noticed a few grammar mistakes, but they are small. A bit of advice on languages, if you want your world to feel a bit more real you could actually create the Sprite language, and grammar. Of course that can take a few minutes to years depending on if you want to make it like a true fantasy language like Klingon. The way you did it is perfectly fine though.

Tip on the dialogue:
As far as I know, and from what I have read (unless the internet lied) dialogue should always start as a new paragraph and ...man, iI am not sure exactly how to explain perhaps showing would be better.

Here is your sentence:
“It is nothing,” Gray said gently as she hugged his body close to hers, and she kissed him, putting all her love into one touch of lips. Night’s eyes widened, but he closed his eyes and hugged her close. “Promise me,” Gray whispered in his ear. Her words were becoming a faint murmur to him as if he was in a dream, and he felt her slip away. Desperately, he clung to Gray with fear, and she held him tightly in her embrace, her hair hiding her now tear-streaked face, as she suppressed her sobs. The elders’ chanting grew louder, and Night clutched his chest, agonizing pain spreading through his body. He never did hear the rest of Gray’s sentence as his world faded to black.

Here is what it would look like if we followed what I learned:
“It is nothing,” Gray said gently as she hugged his body close to hers, and she kissed him, putting all her love into one touch of lips.
Night’s eyes widened, but he closed his eyes and hugged her close.
“Promise me,” Gray whispered in his ear.
Her words were becoming a faint murmur to him as if he was in a dream, and he felt her slip away. Desperately, he clung to Gray with fear, and she held him tightly in her embrace, her hair hiding her now tear-streaked face, as she suppressed her sobs. The elders’ chanting grew louder, and Night clutched his chest, agonizing pain spreading through his body. He never did hear the rest of Gray’s sentence as his world faded to black.

Overall I believe you could become a great writer, just keep practicing. :)

[Shiro Ookami]

Thank you. This is awesome. I am kind of bad at grammar. Ha-ha. Anyways, I really appreciate your comments, and also, thanks for putting the time in to write the revised excerpt.

[Wølfy]

Honestly, I am very bad at grammar, and spelling. Oh my god if I did not have spell check then half the words I type would not make sense.

[Shiro Ookami]

The words you used in yours needed to be incredibly complicated, so it is definitely understandable. I had to look up the definitions of a good amount of words that Rikyu used during her POVs. Ha-ha. :)

[Wølfy]

I did too. In part two there will be more big words now that I have the power of the internet.

[Shiro Ookami]

I find it funny that this comment section might go on for a while. I hope no one gets notifications on it.

[Wølfy]

Five hours later ha-ha.

[Shiro Ookami]

yep, exactly. (But now I think the conversation ends)

[Wølfy]

Or does it?

[Shiro Ookami]

who knows? (would insert a laughing face if there was some emojis) :)