It's the 2am phone call too

This doesn't make any sense but then again neither do I ever

I think I have every emotion rattling through my body. I can feel them all and I don't know how to deal with them or maybe even if I should just leave them alone. I really want to fix this. But I just can't convince my body to care that all these bad things are going on. I feel the sadness. Pushing itself to the front of my brain. It wants to be noticed. But that's not how I feel. So I push it back. I'm not sad. It's something else. I feel ashamed for even feeling sad. Even if it's not sadness there, i want to hurt myself again, before anyone else can anymore. I feel disgusted when I hurt myself. I feel worthless and awful. I don't think those are the emotions I feel right now either though. I feel love. I'm thinking about it. How can someone love if they don't love themselves? How could I let myself become so reliant on someone to be happy? Am I even happy at all? I don't feel happy. I feel something else. Almost like I've never felt before. I can't even describe it. So I'm going to say it feels like the moment your sitting in your kitchen drinking cold coffee watching friends re-runs and you start to remember your past, and the only time you've ever seen your dad cry. And the first time you self harmed or maybe even hearing the voices of your drunk grandma calling your mom a c**t and screaming at 2am to your drunk uncle who doesn't even care to listen. Maybe you remember your childhood. How good it felt and how much you didn't even notice was wrong with the world. Almost wishing you could go back in time. I can now realize why people try so hard to protect you. When I was young I was protected by my parents. They didn't let me see all that was wrong with the world. They let me live in my confused little girl mind and be happy. Now things have gotten so tough and they still try to protect me but they can't protect me from my own self. I am my enemy and all these emotions are rattling around and I'm in love and I hate it. And I'm alone but I'm not. And I'm confused but yet everything is so clear. There's nothing wrong except that I can't figure out which direction I'm going because I don't know where I want to go. It's like being drunk and trying to read a book. You'll never understand but you're so focused on it. Maybe I should just stop trying to understand it.