A Timely Venture

I walk the sands that line the beach

Beneath the sun with silver streaks,

Crashing on the broken sand

A timely venture

Amongst this land

 

Where I’ve been stands but a blur

Blue-ish dreams right out the stir

Where I walk it will but follow

My feet are numb

And my mind is hollow

 

It came to me below the waves

A foaming, paving, softly, white

A wasted life of so much more

A drying time

That beached ashore

 

I wish I had but seen the light

And now I’m trapped

A world of night

 

I walk the sands that line the beach

And watch my shadow wash in white

Author's Note

A trash attempt at some poetry

Reviews

[emipoemi]

This is O-M-G Good!! So solemn, so profound, and with very strong imagery spread along a smooth flow. In the second stanza, if I may, except the last two lines "My feet are numb/And my mind is hollow" which are crazy good - beyond words!! - the stanza feels a bit too cryptic in what it means. Particularly Lines 2 and 3, where "stir" seems like a forced rhyme, and "it" doesn't confirm what it's referring to (the "it" that starts Stanza 3 is a bit clearer, and if it's the same "it" then I'd work a bit on Stanza 2 to clarify that, for there's no direct correlation between the first "it" and its reference). That's my only critique. Apart from that, the poem is amazing! Well done!

[Silent Sonata]

I will definitely keep these critiques in mind in future poems!

As for the "it", both the "it" in stanza 2 and 3 are the same, which I should have clarified better. But for what the "it" actually is, that's up to you. I like to leave my stories/poems ambiguous in certain aspects so that readers can interpret them themselves.

Thanks for a great review!

[emipoemi]

as much as ambiguity is good in poetry...."it" is not a good word to leave ambiguous unless there is an antecedent hidden somewhere before. For readers will happily take the time to solve your puzzle and venture through your maze if you provide the necessary clues. Don't leave the readers scratching their heads over what a word could possibly mean, for only you, the poet, know what it really means. So, if you want to play with your readers and elicit us to play along, provide the clues, and we'll take our respective stabs.

Reading this for instance was a great pleasure, and surely it would have been a whole lot more if there was another word/image I could extend a red yarn to from that cryptic "it".

[Silent Sonata]

I'll admit that I didn't provide nearly enough clues as to what "it" was. Looking back on the poem, it seriously needs some improvements. Thanks for taking the time to help me out!

[emipoemi]

always a pleasure.