Deliver us from everything

Deliver us from everything

A Poem by TLK

Previous Version
This is a previous version of Deliver us from everything.



Who are you?
they ask
faces hidden behind their masks:
all of which are as see-through as their vague and unformed souls.

I answer.

I am your best nightmare,
the brightest one you had --
the one that screamed from the dark sky with all the
mass
radiation
gravity
of a collapsing star.

The nightmare where:
one) everybody died
two) they did so gladly
three) with your name upon their lips.



And they were glad,
for I would make something
of them.

© 2013 TLK





Featured Review

Like aforementioned, this poem has a creepy crawly, deeply-rooted and sweetly enjoyed feeling of revenge to it. I love how the nightmare is almost mockingly smirking at the audience, saying "Haha, I may be an evil b*****d, but I'm your best choice." I adore that the audience, so like the human race in general, is described (in an undertone sort of way) to be mindless, like cattle. They gladly hand over their fate to this nightmare, and I shiver because we as humans so often create our own demise. I love the line breaks in this poem especially, I feel that they really bring out the narration and slowly-moving but strong build up of destruction. Well done, friend, well done.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

I am very glad that you have taken the time to give it: it has enriched my own understanding of what.. read more
Harley

4 Years Ago

I'm definitely glad to hear that. And now that you mention it, I feel like I could probably go over .. read more
TLK

4 Years Ago

When you can't write, re-write. And when you can't re-write any more, un-write. And when you're done.. read more



Reviews

We all want to become someone....dear Creator ;)

Posted 4 Years Ago


Im quite confused by this piece of writing, it gives me horrible vibes of cult suicides and massacres' - full blown Jones town http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jonestown feelings. very effective though

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

I don't know where this came from, or what it means. It wasn't a clear image, I think it was just a .. read more
Like aforementioned, this poem has a creepy crawly, deeply-rooted and sweetly enjoyed feeling of revenge to it. I love how the nightmare is almost mockingly smirking at the audience, saying "Haha, I may be an evil b*****d, but I'm your best choice." I adore that the audience, so like the human race in general, is described (in an undertone sort of way) to be mindless, like cattle. They gladly hand over their fate to this nightmare, and I shiver because we as humans so often create our own demise. I love the line breaks in this poem especially, I feel that they really bring out the narration and slowly-moving but strong build up of destruction. Well done, friend, well done.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

I am very glad that you have taken the time to give it: it has enriched my own understanding of what.. read more
Harley

4 Years Ago

I'm definitely glad to hear that. And now that you mention it, I feel like I could probably go over .. read more
TLK

4 Years Ago

When you can't write, re-write. And when you can't re-write any more, un-write. And when you're done.. read more
this feels like an "end of the world" poem...please deliver us from this misery...anything that would come after has to be better than this.

i like the way this is "delivered"

i find the last two stanzas almost a poem in itself...
there is freshness in the way you use language.

jacob

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I haven't tallied up reviews given and received for a while. I know the ration is generally three reviews given for every one received. I think you have not quite received your fair share of reads. I may make that my next challenge. There is certainly no good reason not to read you. This work, itself, is top shelf work.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Emily B

4 Years Ago

alas, there was a time when i could favorite something and watch poets flock to it in droves, i've h.. read more
TLK

4 Years Ago

The poets have flocked elsewhere: where the words zang more snappily from their elastic pages, the w.. read more
Emily B

4 Years Ago

"She burns for art,
enjoying cheap puns and
Shakespearean soliloquies alike-
for.. read more
This poem has a feeling of revenge to it. Something which most people have ties to and experience with. I like the oxymoron of "best nightmare". It gives a sort of creepy evil to it. The fourth stanza almost feels as though it's part of a weird love poem, but it ties the rest of the poem together quite nicely. There are few things you could do to make it better in my eyes. Nicely written. Good job.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

This whole poem grew out of that oxymoron. I'm still not sure what it is about, but the way that the.. read more
The title drew me into this poem. I wasn't sure what the poem itself was going to be about but the title made me smirk and wonder.

In the first stanza the music of ask/masks is lovely. I have a personal (and therefore perhaps preposterous) dislike of the word "see-through." Your speaker is prophetic, articulate, arcane. It seems more likely that that voice would say something like "transparent" or even "tenuous." I also wonder if the music could be improved by dropping the "and" at the end of the fourth line. I love the idea of "unformed" souls: it elaborates the "they" in a very real, very eerie way.

2nd stanza: The period is a good choice. I've seen a lot of colons, or even commas, after speech tags in poems but a statement like "I answer" needs a stronger pause.

3rd: I love an oxymoron, and they're so hard to coin! This one works: it's not overdone and we all know, somehow, what it means. We lack more precise vocabulary for it: a terrifying but wonderful dream. I'm unsure about the tense shift in the second line--from "am" in the first to "had." Do we still possess our "best nightmare"? Should it instead be "have"? This is perhaps a philosophical rather than a poetic question. Besides that, I like placing "mass/radiation/gravity" on their own lines in lieu of punctuation. It give each its appropriate weight. The only problem with that, though, is having "the" at the end of the line. It's hard to pull off: have you tried rephrasing the stanza to see if you can end on a heavier word?

Fourth and fifth stanzas: Change nothing.

Very intense poem. Well written. I look to reading more soon.



This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

THIS ONE BRINGS BOOK LEARNING.

BURN HEEERRRR.

This is probably the single .. read more
TLK

4 Years Ago

I've made some changes which, if you squint, are in line with what you suggested. I feel like it is .. read more
tamsen grier

4 Years Ago

Oooh, cellophane! I really see that line now. Good edit!
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.
ooh,..stirring and weighty.
this one will adhere to me for some time!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

TLK

4 Years Ago

I like the concept of a 'best nightmare'. I assume I was thinking about the more common 'worst night.. read more
Very good, moving, will read more. Thanks, CC

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 5 Years Ago


TLK

5 Years Ago

Thank you for reviewing.

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65 Views
5 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 4 Libraries
Added on October 27, 2012
Last Updated on April 22, 2013
Tags: gladly, name, lips, everybody
Previous Versions

Author

TLK
TLK

Birmingham, West Midlands, United Kingdom



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Signed up to the Pledge to Civil Conduct in Discourse on Writer's Cafe: please challenge me if you think I am breaking either the letter or the spirit of the rules. I try to review well myself (see.. more..

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