Angel in the Snow

Incomplete

 

 Her eyes aglow

A bejeweled sparkle of sunshine on snow

Mirrored with crystal intricacy

Hair in motion autumnal leaves on the breeze

Across her face a gossamer veil of tresses

Curled as snowy currents listless in the wind

Her touch the gentlest snowflake fall of shivering sense

Spellbound in that fragile form cast of chilling elegance

Author's Note

Thank You.

Reviews

[Violet Rose]

Hey there!

I loved the line "Across her face a gossamer veil of tresses". It accentuates the beauty of the English language, indeed.

I'd certainly hate to contradict any previous reviewers, but I'd say:

Take out the "A" in "A bejeweled sparkle of sunshine on snow" to help the word flow a little more.

Mind your little tiny grammatical mistakes, the lack of commas being one.

"Her touch the gentlest snowflake fall shiver sense" - Perhaps it would make more sense with commas, but I'm not quite sure what the message is here.

"Spellbound in that fragile form cast of chilling elegance" - Beautiful. Don't touch it.

[Fairy Tales]

that was very pretty. i like your style. cool!

[Stalker]

Was great, keep up the wrighting you could go far.

[T. F. Rice]

Hi, Chaos. Thanks for your interest in The Other Herald's contest "short poems". Some of the language in this poem is lovely. A few repetitive words maybe cloud the whole. Since you indicated this is "incomplete?" I thought I would take a minute (there is never enough time to comment on everything...) and write a review note to you. Here are my comments / next to the original text you posted.

Her eyes aglow / (no change)

With the bejeweled sparkle of sunshine on snow / (remove the "with" here because you use it again below, and replace "With the" with either "a" or "in", for no change in meaning, only a better flow)

Mirrored with crystal intricacy / (now you can leave the "with" here - -although maybe consider the other three words without "with" if they give the meaning you intend --because that would be more poetic, less extra words and all)

Hair in motion autumnal leaves on the breeze / (no change -- just beautiful?)

Across her face a gossamer veil of tresses / (not sure I "get" what you mean -- do you mean to say a continuation of previous line -- i.e. '...leaves on the breeze cross her face as a gossamer veil' ? Not sure you need 'tresses' but it is your poem... It isnt clear - to me - if leaves are over her face as a veil or her hair as a veil - tresses implies if not outright means... hair, right?)

Curled as snowy currents listless in the wind / (same - i think here it would be okay to tell more rather than leave out for the reader to fill in? do you mean her hair is curling like currents on the wind? But listless doesnt imply such movement - more like lack thereof ?)

Her touch the gentlest snowflake fall shiver sense / (I like this how you play with words beyond the way the rest of the poem flows in more coherent phrasing -- you do leave up to the reader here how to interpret this part and what part of it to interpret since you give several different images/ideas. This part leaving up to the reader seems to work well!)

Spellbound in that fragile form cast of chilling elegance / (the only thing here that strikes me as wrong word choice is maybe "that" because it refers to something sort of haphazardly - and you are telling us straight on about something - might be the wrong word choice?)

Best of luck in your writing on Writerscafe and elsewhere! :-) Check out our web site anytime, re: submissions, contests etc. All our contests are on W.C. for the foreseeable future, so check back soon. I hope you take my comments as they are intended -- as my opinion -- in poetry there are many opinions as there are many readers so a poet can never satisfy them all and should listen to all sides, filter them with her own heart... good ole Walt Whitman said something like this and it is a good plan for poets at all levels. Smiles,
Tanya
T. F. Rice, Editor
The Other Herald (Heralding the art of words...)
http://www.otherherald.com

[Katarina Bondinell]

I really enjoyed this, thank you so much for using it to enter!
I'm not huge on poetry as a rule, but this was elegant and captivating. Your descriptive writing is exceptional, and I think my favorite aspect is the fact that it's so simple.
Cheers!

[nightmask]

I really enjoyed this you get a wintery feeling from it and it reminds me from the scene in my the music video "love like winter" by AFI when he sees this girl and she's like really mysterious and stuff :)

[Lexie James]

Really beautiful poem. Absolutely love the lines

"Her touch the gentlest snowflake fall shiver sense

Spellbound in that fragile form cast of chilling elegance"

Thank you, Lexie.