Revival

        The sun had set on the upon the Valley of Peace by the time Lemine and Faro arrived. Not sure what the exact time was they hurried along the edge of a stone path through the moonlight. Twigs snapped under their feet softly as they ran. A cold breeze sent a chill through their faces, but their long cloaks managed to keep them comfortably warm.

        Having done their research, the couple knew the Duzee air temperature had begun to drop drastically. Winter months in the wind burdened country could kill somebody if they weren't careful. As far into the country as they were it wasn't a surprise that they hadn't encountered anybody along their path, and the few they had almost run into were soldiers.

        Faro stopped moving suddenly and grabbed Lemine's arm, holding him to her side. Turning her head to listen for a sign that somebody was nearby they waited. Pulling the man further off the trail they sank to the ground near a tree and waited. As three armed guards appeared over a nearby hill Faro could hear Lemine whisper 'Thank you' into her ear. 

        She answered him with only a faint, almost nonexistent, nod. Unlike the younger, more immature Lemine, Faro had prided herself on her ability to sneak, and steal. When she partnered up with the ambitious Fatir runaway it had been as a last resort. Many of the other thieves she had encountered hadn't wanted anything to do with the much less experienced thief. In an attempt to earn some credit the two decided to pull of a job that nobody had dared attempt, or survived to tell about.

        Faro had been a native of the Duzee nation from birth, and the oldest memory she had was of her sitting in front of her grandfather, and him retelling a story his grandfather told him. If any of those stories were true than she would get a payoff so large everybody would have to accept her skills.

        With the guards finally out of hearing range she stood and waved Lemine to follow. Soldiers were the only problem they were going to have. There was only one way into this valley, and it was guarded by men with orders to turn everybody who entered away. If she was spotted this close to her goal they wouldn't hesitate to pursue and execute them both.

        Continuing down the road the two rounded the corner the guards had appeared from, and found themselves looking down upon what they had both come to find. The cliff face was steep but it would be possible to climb down. Protruding from the earth was the massive Temple of the Six. A smile spread across her face as she pointed to it. Lemine nudged her with his elbow playfully.

        Starting their climb down to the temple they moved slowly, fearing to set rocks falling to the ground below, and alerting any guards. It took almost an hour for them to reach the soft grassy ground beneath the cliff, and their arms were screaming in pain. It hadn't taken long for Lemine to begin flopping his hands around wildly, probably in an attempt to regain feeling in them.

        A movement from nearby stopped Faro's heart. Two guards rounded the corner casually and were moving in their direction. Grabbing her partner's arm she slammed him back against the cliff face and fought to hold him their. Struggling against her grip she drew a slender knife from within a sleeve and held it to his neck. Normally she wouldn't have drawn a weapon in fear of it reflecting the moonlight, but before leaving for the temple it had been dyed black, just in case.

        Feeling his resistance stop, she lessened the tension between the knife and his neck, but didn't remove it. Now only a few steps away, Faro could smell the two men, and wasn't happy about it. Hoping they wouldn't put a lot of effort in to searching for intruders so close to the Temple paid off when they didn't look in her direction as they passed.

        A few minutes passed and she dropped her knife and gave Lemine a punch in the face as payment for almost getting her killed. Dropping closer to the ground they began to run in a crouch. Following the two soldiers that had walked past them, the two thieves watched as they made their way around the temple, and eventually, reached the front. With only one way in or out of this massive building she knew it was only going to have a few guards patrolling the area. 

        As they approached the front, two guards stood besides a small fire, warming themselves against the chilly winter air. Exchanging a casual greeting as they passed, the men they had been following disappeared into the darkness created by the fire. Giving Lemine the signal to drop quitly, they slowly put themselves onto the ground and crawled towards the entrance.

        Firelight blinded the two men and, even though while looking at the entrance, they couldn't see the two shadows inching their way inside. Not wanting to draw attention they stayed on the ground till completely sure they wouldn't be seen. As they rose from the stone floor they both smiled widely, and shook hands.

        "Where too know?" Lemine whispered in the darkness.

        "I'm guessing we need to get into towards the center of the temple, and probably up a few more stories." Faro didn't really know where to go from there but it was the best bet she had. Whatever was being hidden within the temple wouldn't be on the same floor as the entrance. Beginning their search, she walked casually down the hallway, making sure to keep a hand against the wall as a guide.

        "What do you think is inside this place? Something this size needs to have a purpose." His voice was filled with the promise of gold, and she couldn't deny that her mind was beginning to follow a similar path.

        "There as lots of different theories as to what lies within the walls of the Temple of the Six. Some think it's just a monument displaying the power of the ones who created it. Others think it's a place they keep millions of pounds worth of gold."

        "Why would they put that much money in one place?" Lemine laughed at the idea, and even she thought it was a bit ridiculous.

        "Well, It's been said that during the Great War all of the Elemental Masters placed a bet on who would win the war, and the money they bet was kept here." 

        "Wouldn't they want to keep it in a neutral place, and not within one countries borders?" Lemine had a point, but nobody really knew what was within the temple. Everything she had heard was just speculation and rumor.

        "Like I said before, it's all just rumor. If somebody really knew what was here than our jobs would be easy." Turning a corner Faro tripped on a step. Grunting in pain she picked herself up and began climbing the steps. Without being able to see it was impossible for her to tell how far the stairs climbed, or if they were even going in the correct direction.

        Hoping she had picked the correct path they just continued to walk. With time the stairs ended and they emerged into another hallway. Guessing they had been searching for almost an hour now she was amazed how large the temple actually was. Thinking back on their journey since entering the building something made her feel off.

        "Lemine, have you felt any other passageways since we entered this place?"

        "No I haven't. I've kept my hand on the opposite wall from where you are and I haven't felt anything."

        "Does that strike you as odd? A building of this size couldn't only have one way to go."

        "What else do you think it could be?" Concern filled his voice and she didn't need that at the moment. Deciding it would be better to just drop the subject all together she just let the silence answer her.

        The hallway narrowed and the thieves were forced to walk in a line. Silence dampened the air around them. Faro didn't want to think about the meaning of the temple anymore but it kept pulling at her thoughts. During her grandfather's stories he had mentioned a man who had fought during the Great War. He was so powerful that when the masters had finally managed to defeat him they entombed him deep within the earth and forgot about him. It finally clicked in her mind and she realized that she was standing inside a prison.

        Having an enormous building of solid stone would make it impenetrable from the outside. With only a few guards it would be possible for them to hold off a much larger force until reinforcements arrived. Realizing that, even if the stories were true, the man would have to be hundreds of years old by now, and would be dead. Pushing the though from her mind she laughed at herself for even thinking it.

        A light in front of them pulled Faro out of her thoughts and she began walking faster, in an attempt to find out what it was. Lemine was close behind her and humming to himself playfully. Emerging from the long hallway their mouths dropped open. Having been within the darkness for so long neither of them had expected what they now saw.

        Hundreds of torches lit the room from all sides. A marble walkway rose up from the floor and towards a platform about fifty feet above. Lining both sides of the walkway were massive statues of five men and a woman. None of them wore similar clothing, and from what Faro could tell, none held the same lineage either.

        "What is this? I hadn't expected this to be inside the temple." Lemine was awestruck, and so was she.

        "I don't know, these statues are strange too. I can tell that one is a master from how he is dressed, but I don't know about the others."

        "That one over there is a Fatir Master as well. I've seen his picture before. He was one of the Six who fought during the Great War."

        "So I'm going to guess that all of these are Masters. We need to get to the top of that walkway and find out why they're leading up to it. Whatever is up there has to be what this place is hiding."

        "I agree, let's go find out what our prize is." Making their way up the platform the eyes of the Six followed them, judging them, and warning them. As they walked a large blue ball had become visible in the distance. With every step, more of the strange mass could be seen, until they were standing in below it. Between them and the opposite side of the room was a hole they couldn't begin to hope to bridge. Unable to get any closer to the ball, they fought to see it better.

        "Hold on, let me see if I can do something." Closing his eyes, Lemine stood in the darkness. With all of his faults and shortcomings he made up for it with this. It was rare to find somebody with is particular skill set where she was, and it was a welcomed change when she stumbled upon him in a bar.

        Reaching with his mind, Lemind grabbed hold of a nearby torch and pulled the flame to him. The smile on his face was illuminated by the small ball of fire floating in the air in front of him. With his ability to control the flames, Lemine moved them closer to the ball that was embedded into the temple walls.

        "I think that's sapphire!" His voice was filled with so much joy it bubbled over.

        "We still can't get to it Lemine, and even if we could it would be impossible to remove something that size from the temple."

        "If we break of a small piece we could carry it out, and even that would make us rich!" Unable to argue she gave him her consent and let him go to work. The flame moved towards the suspended ball and began to melt away the surface. By the time he had been able to cut a few inches into it he was sweating heavily. Faro hadn't known controlling an element would use so much energy.

        As the ball of fire began to grow, she could see Lemine struggling. "No, come on, hold it..." Growing larger more of the jewel began to crack.

        "You're ruining it! Don't try so hard!" Raising both of his hands, Lemine put all of his energy into trying to control the growing flames.

        "I can't! I'm losing my hold of it!" Finally exhausted he fell to his hands panting. Shock froze his face in fear. "Why isn't the fire dying?" Now covering the entire blue ball, cracks began to snap onto the surface. Chunks fell away and air hissed from the heat of the fire.

        A large piece of the ball fell free and shattered on the marble below. A shard managed to bounce to Faro's side. Picking it up she could only feel a coldness that didn't come with a sapphire.

        "This is ice." An explosion echoed through the cavern as something fell free from the ice. Marble shattered under the weight of a man, who had landed on one of his knees. His muscles looked ready to explode from under his skin. A strange tattoo covered his body from neck to feet, and was only hidden under the tattered remains of pants. Black hair draped down over his face, hiding his features.

        A loud clang made her jump. Something else had fallen from the ball of ice and had landed next to the strange man. Moments of silence passed before he began to move again. Slowly reaching out and picking up the object that had landed next to him, she could see that it was the handle of a sword.

        Thrusting the blade of the sword into the marble floor, he used it to lift himself to his feet. As he moved, his hair brushed away showing his face. In her life she had seen many men that could seduce a woman with their good looks alone, but none of them compared to this man. Under different circumstances she would fall for somebody as handsome as he was, but even with all his beauty, something about the darkness in his eyes told her to be careful.

        Finally on his Faro could see Lemine's shock, he was nearly a whole head taller than her partner. Everything about the man was formidable, but at least they were separated by the hole in the floor.

        Turning his eyes toward the ceiling a strange smile crossed his lips. Lifting the massive sword he had picked up he slashed horizontally towards the ceiling. Everything began to vibrate as a black light hit the wall above them, tearing the temple's ceiling apart. Boulders smashed smashed into the marble around them as the ceiling began to cave into the temple. The night sky was now visible, and she couldn't imagine what he had done to blow a hole of that size in the ceiling.

        With some effort the man began to run towards the edge of the cavern and jumped. To their surprise he left the ground and flew out through the newly created hole in the ceiling. Losing sight of him in the night sky, they turned to run towards the doorway. The eyes of the Six cried out in pain as they crumbled. Large cracks ripped the beautiful floor apart, forcing them to jump to different landings on their way down.

        Lemine reached the door to the temple just before she could. A large boulder tripped her, sending her tumbling to the floor. Winded and tired, she fought to get herself back to her feet. Having noticed that he was alone, Lemine turned to come back for her. Fighting to get to her feet a slab of marble broke away from the walkway and fell onto her leg, crushing it.

        Pain ran up her body and she screamed. Trying to pull her free Lemine entered the collapsing room again. With everything she could muster she pushed the man back into the hallway, saving him from a boulder that landed where he would have been standing. 

        Faro began to shake violently as shock set in. Her thoughts ran to the fun times she had as a child, stealing from vendors in the Nivged streets and flirting with the older boys. A sad smile crossed her face when she thought of her parents and how she had left without saying goodbye. 

        "I guess I wasn't a very good thief after all." An awkward chuckle escaped her throat. "I had better get credit for discovering what was inside this place." As she began laughing at her own joke a larger boulder crushed her back. Boulders continued to crash to the floor as blood soaked Faro's lifeless body.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, since you’ve written six novels, you’re obviously committed, and have demonstrated you have the needed perseverance. And, looking at the writing, your wordsmith skills aren’t bad—certainly better than most here. But given that I can’t find your listed books for sale I’m betting that though you’ve queried for them, you’ve found no takers, and I thought you’d want to know why.

The problem isn’t one of good/bad writing, the plot, or talent. It’s that while you write well, you’re missing some critical information, and are the victim of a major misunderstanding, one we all leave our schooldays with: We believe we learned how to write. And in some ways we did. But think back. Did even one teacher, or professor, explain why scenes on the page usually end in disaster for the protagonist, and why? Did they cover the three issues that need to be covered quickly on entering any scene? Was any meaningful time spent on the nuance of viewpoint, handling tags, and the elements that make up a scene on the page and why they’re so different from one on screen and stage?

Think of the number of stories you were assigned to write, as against the number of reports and essays. That will tell you the focus of your training. And ponder the implications of one fact we ALL miss: All professions are acquired IN ADDITION to the skills of The Three R’s we’re given in our school days.

So yes, you learned one way of writing in school. But that’s designed to inform the reader, clearly and concisely. It’s fact-based and author-centric, as id the presentation of this chapter. But…do we read fiction to be informed? If you, for example, were to read a romance, do you want to learn that the protagonist has fallen in love? Or do you want the author to make YOU fall in love for the same reason? Do you want to learn what happens in a given scene, or do you want to be made to LIVE it, in real-time, moment-by-moment as-the-protagonist?

That last—the experience of living vicariously—is what readers seek. But our schooldays writing skills can’t do that because the name for that fact-based and author-centric writing skill is: nonfiction. And you cannot write fiction with nonfiction skills because the goal of fiction is emotional, not informational. So the techniques are emotion-based and character-centric.

Take your opening. The reader doesn’t care that “twigs snapped under their feet softly as they ran,” unless it matters to the plot. Those people probably farted at some point. That matters exactly as much as the twigs because it’s detail, not action. Never confuse movement with action. Never bother the reader with something the protagonist isn’t focused on, and responding to, because it’s the protagonist’s story, not yours.

As a fiction-writer you are NOT telling the reader a story. You can’t, because you’re neither on the scene nor in the story. And if your characters politely shut up and stop what they’re doing to let you talk —and don’t even ask you who the hell you are, and why you’re there—how can that seem real.

One of the pitfalls of TELLING the story is that you forget how much of it you already know, and will leave out necessary information that seems obvious to you. For example:

• Having done their research, the couple knew the Duzee air temperature had begun to drop drastically.

“The Dunzee air temperature?” What in the hell is that? You’ve just placed them in the “Valley of Peace.” So when did Dunzee appear, and what is it? And does “begun to drop” mean to -70° or from the daytime high, whatever that might be? You know, but does the reader?

And, they’re a “couple?” Why do I care that two beings I know nothing about, in a place that’s unknown, are in an unknown way, a “couple,” and have been for an unknown time?

You know. They know. Perhaps everyone in the story knows. But who did you write this for? Shouldn’t they have context, too?

You can’t say to read on and it will all become clear, because the reader won’t. First, because you cannot retroactively remove their confusion. But of more importance, they have no assurance that you will clarify. So if you did query this, here is where your audition ended.

Here’s the thing: Story happens, it’s not talked about. And it happens in that tiny slice of time the protagonist calls “now.” You open the story with two people, and as you’ve been taught, present plot progression, reporting what happens, and what’s said, interjecting explanations as to what it means and how the characters are responding, in general, as necessary. But that’s nonfiction methodology, a focus on facts.

For fiction the reader wants the protagonist—singular—to be their avatar as they’re made to live the events in real-time.

Think about it. If we make the reader know what has their protagonist’s attention, in the moment they call now; if we make them know why it matters enough to hold the protagonist’s attention; if we make the reader know what that protagonist feels their options and necessities are; if we make the reader know what the protagonist hopes will happen if a given option is selected, and their decision-making as to which option they choose… If we do all that have we not calibrated the reader’s perception of the scene to that of the protagonist? And given that we know what the protagonist hopes will happen as a result of those options, won’t the reader decide what they feel is best BEFORE they read what the protagonist chooses and acts?

When this is presented well, the reader and the character will both choose the same action. And in doing so, BOTH will have a vested interest in finding out if they did the right thing. And in cases where readers disagree with the protagonist, they will know why the choice was made, and will want to know if they or the protagonist were right.

In other words, the reader, living in the character’s present, rather then in overview, will now have a need to find out what happens next.

My point? Do that on every page and reader will turn pages till they readh “the end.” Fail that and they’ll feel exactly as much need to turn the page as you did in school when reading a history assignment. But more to the point, nothing in your schooldays training gave you the knowledge and skills necessary to hook the reader, which is a kind of a huge “whoops,” I think you’ll agree. But since we all make the same mistake when we turn to recording our stories, it’s more a rite-of-passage than a disaster. In fact, before I learned that I knew literally nothing about writing fiction, I’d written, and queried for, six novels.

After finally learning the things I’ve talked about here, though, and delving into a study of fiction-writing-technique, I sold the next novel I queried. I wish you the same. But until you do acquire those skills, you’re stuck with writing fiction with nonfiction skills.

Unfortunately, it’s not a matter of “do this instead of that.” So it’s not an overnight, or even a month’s delay. Your current skills have been honed for years, till they feel intuitive. And breaking/replacing habits that ingrained is truly a b***h. But once you do, you’ll love the result. And having your protagonist whispering advice in your ear, being your co-writer, makes the act of writing a LOT more fun.

Obviously, this wasn’t what you were hoping to hear when you posted it. And I wish there were some more gentle way of presenting such news. But now, I’ve put down my sledgehammer, and here’s some good news:

First, is that I think you’ll find the learning fun. Next, is that you now know what well over 90% of hopeful writers never learn. And finally, some suggestions:

For a feel for what presenting the scene through the viewpoint of the protagonist can do, so far as making the reader feel empathy for the protagonist, try this article:
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2011/09/22/the-grumpy-writing-coach-8/

You might also want to look at the other articles there, because they’re meant to give the hopeful writer a feel for the differences between fiction and nonfiction writing technique.

But in the end, I recommend picking up a copy of the book that most of those articles are based on, Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer. It’s an older book, but still, the best I’ve found to date. There are many others in the library’s fiction-writing section. And for stylistic issues, you’ll find books like, Donald Mass’s, Writing the Breakout Novel, or Sol Stein’s, on Writing, and more.

But whatever you do, keep in mind that writing is a journey, not a destination, one we travel at our own pace. So jump in, and definitely, keep on writing. It keeps us off the streets at night.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Bri 810]

This is definitely an interesting opener. I'm looking forward to reading more. Be careful with your word usage. I'm not sure if you're just typing quickly but I'm see a lot of awkward sentences. ie: "where to know?" instead of where to now; "There as lots of different" instead of there is... It'll make a lot smoother read and you'll draw more people in if they aren't fighting to fix it in their head instead of imaging the world you're envisioning for them. :)

[Vouren]

Yeah, I don't have a good track record with first drafts haha. I'm going to go back through and finish editing this when I've completed the first book.

[Jared]

I like this beginning; it brings the reader in, good job!