And the Worlds Collide, Indefinitely

A Story by Bae

Stream of Consciousness

The universe is so expansive. And we are so small. What is even more amazing to me than the largeness of the universe is it's depth. Because there are over six billion people on this earth and each person has their own personality. Their own life. And according to Neil Gaiman, "everybody has a secret little world inside of them. All of the people in the whole world -- no matter how dull and boring they are on the outside. Inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds... Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe." Times six billion. All in this one, ever expanding, universe. In reality, we are meaningless. In our individual worlds, reality is whatever we make it. We can be as meaningless or as important as we choose. But we must take into consideration that our own world is not the same as our neighbor's, who also has their own to decide upon. What is a dream when we make our individual realities?

How it happens that our worlds collide amicably, for the most part, is a bloody miracle.

Here I am, in my world. And here he is, next to me. The quiet of the early morning chills my soul as we lay so close. An act so insignificant in the universe, meaning everything to me.

He is my rock. I am not a particularly strong individual, and my world is so fragile. It fits together like that spherical puzzle of the earth that used to be so popular in the discovery store at the mall, a childhood love.

I am clumsy. I often trip up along my path and crash into the globe which procedes to break into innumerable pieces and crash to the ground with me. Ha, yeah I wish. Not in my world. In my world the pieces fly and procede to swirl around my head in a violent tornado of chaos. It is quite disorienting, if i might say so myself.

But I only have to reach out my hand and he keeps me steady so that i may go about my day, unharmed. And his arms just found their way around me for the first time in what feels like forever. In his arms I am grounded yet soaring, such a priceless experience.

I have only dreamed of this for too long. My internal hourglass tips over as all energy leaves my brain, leaking into my heart which dances in exuberant victory. Because thats how it works, you know? Its your head or your heart. There is no happy medium. You reason with your brain telling yourself that you know what is in your heart, but no one does. Not you, and especially not anyone else. The heart is an enigma in and of itself. A riddle that gives you all the clues but there is no definite answer. So you lead your life based upon what you believe the answer could be. How indefinite and frustrating.

My whole body is tingling; super sensitive to his touch. Yet at the same time, his touch makes me sad. Do I not make him feel like this too? ... Why doesn't he want me?... I know this is the last time he will ever touch me this way and my soul heaves a sigh that I will never understand: part ecstacy, part woe, part confusion directed towards that freaking riddle. I thought I knew the answer. As did he, but his answer has changed, yet again. So i find myself in need of a new final answer.

But I don't want one now. All I want is to be in this moment of time. Holding on to every. Second.

I am turned away from him, my body curled up into his. He smells like home and its warm like christmas morning by the fireplace. His eyes... oh my god his eyes. And his smile is overwhelming to my heart. It feels as though my heart is lying to me, just screaming, "THIS IS YOUR ANSWER!" But I know it's just my brain trying to know everything again, so I must ignore it. But this is so much harder said than done. I acknowledge others as being attractive but I see no one else the same.

He pulls me closer and reaches over, kisses the side of my face. The skin burns where his lips just were.... Keep burning. I beg of you. I don't want it to ever stop.

I snuggle in closer like a child to parent. He is my protector. I trust him so. He holds me tighter, I get light headed, my emotions taking over. They have made a world for themselves in me. I must be careful to distinguish between the worlds within me. They run together as easily as pie.

I would like to take the time to point out that that old colloquialism is indeed wrong, as pie, and baking in general, is not easy.

I have to see him, to know that this is real. Slowly I shift to face him. He moves his arm so that i can rest my head on it. He's just as perfect as I remembered. His eyes are blue green and theres a gold ring around his pupils. It gives such life to them, as they look at me longingly. Has he missed me too? I know that sometimes you just get lost in a moment but I only pray that there is something else going on because I am too far gone. I am not my own. Please feel something for me as well because I cannot stop myself now.

He continues to hypnotize me, and I, in turn, cannot blink; hardly breathing at that. Why is it that when I feel this way I cannot breathe? Why is that our particular, innate reaction, as humans, is to stop breathing and receive this "butterfly" sensation when there is nervousness in our hearts? That is a question to deep for me to answer.

Please kiss me.

I swallow and in the silence it feels so loud. He swallows too. "Maybe hes thinking the same thing?" I can only hope but wonder. He glances down at my lips and back to my eyes.

Score one.

He moves his face a little closer, his gaze shifting from eyes to lips and I cant help myself. I meet him at that halfway sooner than i can even think about it. I am once again captive in the world of my emotions. Not that I am complaining. Its so much simpler here.

Its a strange place, this world. My entire body is handicapped, I can only feel. And i cannot see anything in particular, but color. Lots of it. This strange disorientation brings me back to the real world until at last our lips touch, and BAM! I am taken away from the moment.

I feel heat. I feel passion. I feel longing. Red! Orange! Yellow! All outlined in grey. The sadness is leaving but I can already feel it drifting over my head. My eyes are closed. The eyes can see only what the mind is ready to comprehend. I can see best here.

I am tired of reality where I cannot make the sadness go away because the worlds cannot collide peaceably. Where children die of starvation every ten seconds. Where people take their lives because they cannot even accept their own imperfections in their own world, much less in reality where everyone is drastically less significant. Where greed is always on the rampage. Where hearts will not decide.

My heart is king here so I am its slave. Its will becomes my reality. I refuse to open up and see the sadness in real life. If i ignore it maybe it will just go away.

We start kissing harder and I start to feel less emotion, more happiness. A real happiness that exists outside my own world. I am in the moment, and nowhere else. There is no past to this moment. And no future. Only our two bodies, so close, mimic-ing a passion that we feel but do not know.

We pull apart to breathe, to think, as it is only natural. Im tired of thinking, all these thoughts and emotions are stopping up my body, and I feel as though i could explode. i want to speak! "I feel like Im dreaming" comes out. He touches my face, pulling me closer. I open my eyes and see the ceiling fan of my room staring back at me, circling in its dull infinity.

And yes, I do cry now.

It is so unwise to call upon what you cannot dismiss.

I am in love with a memory.

i live for but a dream.

welcome to reality, sweetheart.